I had to smile at this, but made sure it was a gentle smile.
“You’re in the presence of experts, Jan, and none of them is me.”
I turned to the others.
“Tracy, could you do me the huge favor of taking Jan and teaching her the ins and outs of college recruiting, football camps, etc.? Pam, could you help her with stuff like learning about tutoring programs and academic monitoring?” I asked.
Oh, my. What is it with the look girls give you, especially in a group, that suggests you might actually be dumb as a post?
“Of course we can, ‘stupid boy.’ Come on, Jan, we’ll talk while you wait for Yuri, and we’d love to speak with you more, in private, once you’ve got him home,” Tracy said.
I walked with Cassidy and Brook toward my car but caught sight of the three girls ambushing a completely unprepared Yuri as he emerged from the Field House. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance. Jan was going to be very, very good for him—if she didn’t kill him first.
◊◊◊
Cassidy was a happy girl. I’d driven the Charger, and it was her turn to drive. I’d gotten into the habit of having either Brook or Cassidy drive because it gave me time to make calls.
“Caryn, how’d it go today?” I asked.
“Saul called and said he got you the pilot on that reverse-catfishing show. Frank set up a profile for you on a social-media dating app. You need to log on and pick out potential matches.”
“I thought that had died a quiet death. Will I even have time to go on dates with these girls?” I asked.
Okay, I have retarded tendencies; hence, the nickname. Brook was already a little edgy about me leaving, and here I was in the back seat, and the phrase ‘dates with these girls’ popped out of my mouth.
“The good news is that you only have to go on a date with one girl,” Caryn said, and then gave me the login information for my dating account.
Caryn said that she and Rita had agreed on a couple of other projects. It started to look good that my shoot schedule for the movie wasn’t very full. I would have time to do a few things while I was in LA. The two they picked out were TV shows where I’d make guest appearances.
When I hung up the phone, Brook suddenly had my full attention.
“What is this about dates when you’re in LA?” she asked.
“I, uh, have been asked to do a TV show. I’m supposed to find a date using this app and let them film it,” I glossed over.
“You have a dating account?” Cassidy asked.
“They set one up for me. I have to download the app and log in.”
We pulled into the dojo, and they both turned around to stare at me.
“We should get going, or we’ll be late for class,” I tried.
“I’m your teacher,” Cassidy pointed out.
“Quit stalling,” Brook ordered.
It took me a moment to find the app in the online store and then a little while to download. When it came up, I logged in. When Brook saw I was in, she snatched my phone out of my hand.
“That’s a good profile picture,” Brook said.
She showed it to me; it was basically just a casual headshot.
“Shouldn’t my picture be without my shirt? Girls need to see the whole package,” I said.
Both girls rolled their eyes. I took that as a ‘no.’
There were a few more pictures from different modeling gigs, mostly with Range Sports. It showed me as an athletic guy who had diverse interests. The bio was short and to the point.
David 17
I will be in LA to do a movie starting the first week of December and am looking for someone to show me around. If we have a good time, I will need a date for my movie premiere—Star Academy.
“This looks too good to be true,” Cassidy said.
“That’s the premise of the show. It’s supposed to be about people who seem like that, and how hard it is for them to find a date,” I explained.
“You may have a problem. You already have five girls who’ve matched with you,” Brook said.
I grabbed the phone back. The app was easy to use. You just swiped their picture if you were interested. Well, for a guy, it was simple: did you want to have sex with them or not? I was sure girls had a more complicated process. It took me ten seconds to go through all five and select one.
“Let me see,” Brook said.
Melissa 18
I love the beach and chocolate. I’m not interested in anything long-term, just want to go out and have fun.
Personal motto: Spitters are quitters.
“That’s just gross,” Brook huffed.
“She looks a little slutty,” Cassidy commented.
I’d heard enough and took my phone back so we could go let Cassidy try to hurt me in the dojo.
◊◊◊
On the way home, I stopped at the diner next to the hospital and picked up a box of chicken with all the sides. Mom had called and said she didn’t feel like cooking. When Cassidy saw what I was getting, she invited herself and her dad for dinner as well. When I arrived home, Duke was more than a little interested in what I had in all the bags.
I found Pam and Caryn talking when Cassidy and I came in.
“I hear Saul got you a job,” Caryn said.
Mom and Dad walked in.
“What job?” Dad asked.
“It’s a reverse-catfishing show,” Caryn said. “Did you check your dating app account?”
Caryn had to explain catfishing as it pertained to social media to my parents. She explained that it was when someone misrepresented themselves to someone else to get a date. MTV had a popular TV show where they uncovered people who set up fictitious accounts and tricked people into thinking they had found the ideal man or woman.
The show I was doing was the reverse. What if the perfect guy or girl put themselves out there? How would people react? Would they believe them?
“I talked to Brook, and we agreed that David shouldn’t be allowed to pick his own dates for this,” Cassidy said.
Dad picked that time to get out the plates and left me to face all the women in the room.
“Show us who you’ve picked,” Mom ordered.
I logged onto the app and saw I had several more girls hoping for a match. I scrolled to my selection and handed the phone to Mom.
“She’s cute, what’s wrong … ‘Spitters are quitters’?” Mom asked as she turned on me.
“What does that mean?” Caryn asked.
Dad about dropped the plates. Pam leaned over and whispered in Caryn’s ear.
“No, he really shouldn’t be allowed to pick, unless this is airing on Showtime After Dark,” Caryn said.
It took my mom all of thirty seconds to figure out how the app worked. There must have been several new girls to consider, because she, Pam, Cassidy, and Caryn started to scroll through them. I was right that a woman had a lot more criteria than a guy does. For a guy, it was either I’d do her or not. They made all kinds of catty remarks. The four of them rejected several girls. Dad distracted me by opening the chicken.
Then I heard them all giggle, and knew it couldn’t be good for me.
“Type in ‘Sup,’” Caryn said.
“Won’t that make him sound stupid?” Mom asked.
“He’s a guy,” Caryn said.
I had no idea my mom could type on the phone. She had the two-thumb method down.
“Look, she sent a message back,” Mom said.
You a playa? – Her
Na just chillin – Me
Send me your real pics – Her
Mom sent her my Instagram page link.
Let’s meet – Her
“Get her number, and I’ll call her when I get to LA,” I said.
Coach Hope showed up, and my dad and I ate with him. Thankfully, he wasn’t interested in my new dating app account. After dinner, I went to my apartment to study. Mom kept my phone, and the girls were having way too much fun messaging girls in LA. This was like the show. They were catfishing these poor girls by pretending they were me.