“How many were there?”
I looked at Halle.
“If you would’ve just said we were dating, none of this would be happening,” I complained.
Her eyebrows rose into her hairline.
“You’re blaming this on me?” she asked.
“Quit distracting him. How many girls have approached you?” Gina asked.
“Three this morning,” I admitted.
“Way to go,” Yuri said and gave Jan a dirty look when she dug her index finger into his ribs.
“Leave the boy alone,” Wolf said. “It’s not David’s fault women are chasing him.”
“This I have to hear,” Tim said to be his straight man.
I had a bad feeling about this. I would bet the comedy duo had come up with something I wouldn’t like.
“It’s the ‘Tiger Woods Effect,’” Wolf enlightened us as if everyone would know what he was talking about.
When all he saw was confused faces, he explained.
“When we all first heard that Tiger had taken a nine iron upside the head, the response was split between how women saw it and men did. Women thought he deserved it, and men could understand how it could happen.”
“Cheating is terrible. How could guys think it was okay?” Tim asked, playing the role to the hilt.
“Good question,” Wolf said, warming to the topic.
“This can’t be good,” I mumbled when I saw the glares from the girls.
“I want to hear this,” Gina pronounced.
“At first, when it looked like Tiger had slipped, most guys could understand, and I even heard my dad defend him to my mom. He told her she didn’t know what this guy had been through, and she didn’t know what his home life was like. Dad said you couldn’t judge a guy because he made one mistake. I thought my dad was right.
“Then he gets called out for ten, eleven, twelve … I thought he might have a problem,” Wolf said.
“You’re damn right he had a problem. If he’d been smart, he would’ve hidden his golf clubs,” Tim said.
I had to agree with him on that.
“But it wasn’t Tiger’s fault,” Wolf said.
It was a good thing Wolf wasn’t Lot’s wife, or he would have turned to salt by the looks the girls gave him. The guys were all trying to keep a straight face.
“Think about it. Tiger Woods is on the road, playing golf, and after each match, he’s approached by women.”
“But he should be able to control himself. He was married,” Zoe said.
Wolf just shook his head.
“It all comes down to women wanting Tiger. He has to say no to attractive women who approach him,” Wolf said.
“What about ugly women?” Tracy asked.
“He would either have to put a pillowcase over her head or close his eyes,” Yuri said.
He acted like he didn’t understand why Jan hit him. I swear he would never learn. Wolf was smart and ignored her question.
“Most of us are not Tiger Woods, so we’re never put into the position of having to say ‘no.’ It’s much easier if you’re never asked,” Wolf said, which made me smile.
“I would never cheat,” Phil, my half brother, said.
“He makes my point for me,” Wolf said, which got everyone to chuckle.
“Bite me,” Phil complained.
“Apparently, that’s why you’re still a virgin,” Wolf teased.
“Easy,” I warned before I had to pull Phil off my friend.
“Then consider this. Tiger doesn’t get any credit for the women he turns down. I mean, if he only says ‘yes’ one percent of the time, we need to give him credit for the ninety-nine times he said ‘no.’ I mean, seriously, if he only had sex with one, how is that a problem?”
He had the guys nodding.
“So, you’re saying David is our Tiger Woods?” Halle asked.
“Oh, come on! He said no to Lisa Felton. Shouldn’t he get some credit for that?” Tim asked.
Apparently not.
◊◊◊
Before we left for the day, Tim and Wolf cornered me on my way to my car.
“Did you have any more girls approach you?”
“Yeah, one,” I admitted.
“Okay, first of all, you’re a wuss,” Wolf said. “Second, we have a plan to help you.”
Tim was nodding.
“You need to send them to us.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Send them to us. We’ll try them out and only send you the ones that’re up to your high standards,” Tim said.
“We could test-drive them. That way you’d only have to deal with the quality talent,” Wolf said. “Plus, think about it. This isn’t LA. We live in a small town where everyone knows each other, and if you cut a wide swath through the female population, there will be consequences. You don’t want parents to start hearing rumors about how you’ve changed and are sleeping your way through Lincoln High.”
“You guys are willing to take that risk?” I asked.
They both nodded.
“What are friends for?” Tim asked.
I just got in my car and left. As much as I hated to admit it, they might have a kernel of a plan, even if it was the product of their own enlightened self-interest. I could let them be the bad guys and get the girls of Lincoln High off my back. Then again, they were dumbasses.
◊◊◊
As I was driving home, Caryn sent me a text saying that she’d hired Kendal and Megan Crowley, aka ‘Mouse.’ That was the image that immediately came to mind when I’d first met her. She was timid and shy. She was the one at Tom’s office who’d gotten me the financial records I needed for the farm loan Uncle John had me get in the fall. Caryn planned to have her do several administrative jobs, including bookkeeping and handling the technical stuff.
Kendal’s focus would be on me. I was sure Caryn took great joy in handing her the recruiting phone. Kendal also had her law degree. She would take over the review of contracts for both my mom’s business and me. I expected that Kendal’s role would evolve as the operation expanded. And once I turned 18, she would no longer need to babysit me at photo shoots and the like.
◊◊◊ Saturday January 23
Today we were taking the SAT. Ms. Jaroslav, the school’s guidance counselor, had arranged for us to take the test. If we needed to retake it, the next date was in March.
I usually used the calculator on my phone when I needed one, but that wasn’t allowed. My mom had to dig a calculator out of a box of her old stuff, and I had to hurry to the drugstore to get a battery for it. I was ready to go with my sharpened number 2 pencils. The proctor came around, pointed at our smartwatches, and made us take them off and put them in our book bags. I guess they were smarter than our high school teachers were.
I looked around the room and saw that almost everyone in my junior class was there. Most everyone at our high school would go to college. They’d brought desks in to the field house. Many students from Washington joined us. We swapped with them as a testing location. If I needed to retake it in March, I would have to travel to Washington to take it. The lead proctor made an announcement.
“If you haven’t signed in, do so now. Let me give you the ground rules so we don’t have any surprises. Turn off all electronic devices. I had better not hear a phone go off during the exams. You aren’t allowed to use your phones or any electronic device that has Wi-Fi during the testing period, including breaks. So, if you have to text your significant other, do so now. You may also not have anything with a camera in it or MP3 players. If you are caught using any such device, it will be confiscated, and you’ll be asked to leave.
“If you need to use the bathroom, do so now. You can only use it during breaks. If you leave the room for any reason, your test will be collected, and it will be assumed you are finished with that portion of the test. If you leave the building, your test will be canceled, and your score will be zero. So smokers, you’ll have to wait until the test is done.
“You are only allowed to have a number 2 pencil on your desk. During the math portion of the test, you may use a calculator, but you must have your own; you may not share a calculator. Only battery-operated, handheld equipment can be used for testing. No power cords are allowed.