“This war between you and your mother has to stop,” Grandma Dawson said as soon as we made it upstairs.
I started to defend myself, but she gave me a look that I’d never seen from my grandmother before. I’d never seen her mad at me, but this time she was thoroughly pissed-off. My first instinct was to apologize, but I kept my mouth shut.
“You fighting with your mother is both childish and immature. She has just been humiliated and found out that her husband is capable of cheating on her. Before you start in on how she should have talked to you about it, don’t even bother until you’ve lived it. I know, because your grandfather did it to me repeatedly during our marriage. Everything your mother thought she believed about your father is now in question. At every turn, she’ll think she hears whispers of people talking about how foolish she was,” Grandma said, and left that hanging in the air.
I saw a tear form at the corner of my grandmother’s eye and then trickle down her cheek. In that moment, my heart broke to see her in pain. She’d had years to come to grips with Grandpa Davey’s infidelity. That it had never occurred to me that Grandma had a problem with it made me ashamed of myself. It had never been a secret that I had other aunts and/or uncles out there. That was why it had been so easy to buy that Phil was my uncle and not my half brother. I’d simply assumed that my grandmother had been alright with him stepping out on their wedding vows. I had a whole new respect for my grandmother. She had endured because she loved him. I also saw the pain that it caused.
No one wants to have the stark mirror of reality shoved in front of their face. The visage looking back appalled me. All I’d done was look at how this affected me. Yes, my mother had mishandled things, but who could blame her? It wasn’t as though there was a playbook that told you that if this happened, you should do that, and everything would be better.
As I stepped back and looked at it again, it became clearer how the pieces fit together. Over the years, as Tami and I grew closer, it had been assumed we would end up together. Greg was to marry Beth, and I was destined for Tami. Even Tami and I had believed that until recently. Well, she still might believe it, but I didn’t. Mom had reacted when I told her that I was going out with Mona. Mom had to see the parallels between the revelation that Dad had cheated on her and me stepping out on Tami. That was when she grounded me and had not allowed me to go to Tracy’s party at the lake house.
Then she’d come back from Las Vegas and just forgiven my dad and found I had no forgiveness for Tami. I was sure Mom looked at it and wondered if she’d made a mistake. If I couldn’t do it, then how had she? My mother was nothing if she wasn’t stubborn. She knew deep down that I’d made a mistake. Tami and I had parted so that she could get life experience and have no regrets when we finally got together. At some point, it was bound to happen that Tami would hook up with a guy. Hell, it had occurred with at least two different guys when she was in the UK. My mom knew that the problem I had was that I knew this guy. Heck, this guy had been my best friend. If Mom could survive having my new half brother shoved in her face, then she must have felt I should survive seeing Tami and Alan together.
I could see her logic and even understand it. The problem with that was I wasn’t my mother. Her choice to remain with my dad was her own. This was my life, and no matter how much my mother thought I should act a certain way, it wasn’t her call. Just as my uncle had often told me, my feelings were real. I couldn’t live my life to please anyone but myself.
I thought about my life and how it would be if I let what was going on with my mom continue, and felt myself choke up. Something I did know was that I loved my mom and she loved me. She had made a decision that our family, not just my dad, meant enough to her to accept what had happened and move on. What was I willing to do to make peace with her? I was caught between growing up and being my own man and being my mom’s little boy.
I ended up having a very long discussion with my grandmother. When we were done, we had a new, deeper relationship. She had always been just Grandma to me, but now she was much more. She was now someone I could go to for advice and love. It was one of those things you never realized was missing in your life until you found it. My grandmother was a very astute woman and had insight that made me understand why my grandfather had loved her so much.
We ended up talking about much more than my current problem with my mom. Once Grandma was certain we would be okay, she told me about herself and her life with my grandfather. She told me that one day I would get into politics and she’d help me. Grandma said I had my grandfather’s gift with people and should be of service to others. I wasn’t sure about that, but now knew I had someone I could absolutely count on. In the end, that was what mattered to me.
◊◊◊
When we finally came down, Greg, Dad and Uncle John were making dinner. If Uncle John was involved, we would be having something on the grill. He had planted a late batch of sweet corn, so we were going to be the beneficiaries of his forethought. While they cooked, my mom and my Grandma Felton came out of the office. Mom indicated she wanted to talk to me alone, so I went back into the office with her. Before I’d talked to my Grandma Dawson, I would have dreaded this, but now I was surer of myself and how I felt. I knew everything was going to be alright when she hugged me.
We said, “I’m sorry,” at the same time.
“Jinx,” she said and then laughed as she punched my arm.
“Can we just forget about the last few weeks?” I asked.
“The being mad at each other part I would say yes to, but I need to stop dictating to you. I was reminded of how I reacted to that when I was your age. You’re my youngest, and I sometimes forget that you’re growing up. You have to also accept that there are things I’m not willing to talk about. What happened between your father and me is private. What happened between you and Tami, I should treat the same way,” she said.
“I can live with that. I don’t ever want to fight with you again like this. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, David,” she said as we hugged again.
“Are you and Dad okay?” I asked.
I watched as my mom broke down in front of me. I pulled her into my arms as she made a sound that wrenched my heart out of my chest. Then she beat her fists against me.
“It hurts, it hurts so much. You have to promise me something: you have to promise to never be with a married woman. If it causes this kind of pain, I could never live with myself knowing you did that.
“Oh, David! How could he? How could he step out on his sacred vow to me? We promised each other we would forsake all others. Promise me! Promise me right now!” Mom ordered.
“I promise. I will never help anyone break their wedding vows, including my own,” I said as hot tears streamed down my face.
All I could do was hold her as she cried it out. Dawson men aren’t built to handle crying women, but I could tough it out for my mother. Mom hadn’t let me in until that moment. I had no idea how deeply she’d been hurt when she found out my dad had a son with another woman.
I felt guilty about bringing Phil into our home, even if I didn’t know he was my brother at the time. Of course, this wasn’t his fault, but until my mom was okay with it, I wouldn’t invite him back. I didn’t need to bring the tangible reminder of my dad’s infidelity into our home ever again.
Mom finally was able to get herself back together.
“So, did your grandmother set you straight?”
“Did your mom do the same?” I asked, and she just smiled.
It was apparent that neither of us was ready to talk about what had been said behind closed doors. We seemed to agree to keep it that way, at least for now.