And I instantly felt a rush of nervousness. Like what if I couldn’t keep Saxon entertained? How many boring nights before he turned his attention somewhere else? Would he pay attention when I was upset? Could it ever work?
We walked until we were back in front of the dorms.
“Do you want to just chill for a little while?” Saxon asked.
“Sure.” I nodded to the cozy group of chairs grouped in the warm little antechamber. “Do you want to sit in the lobby?”
“My room is at the end of the hall,” he suggested, his voice low.
I thought about it for a minute. “Okay,” I said, my voice expressing so much more certainty than I actually felt. I followed him down the hall, and he opened the door and led me in.
His room was exactly the same as mine, but it was smoky, dark clothes were thrown all over along with his packs of cigarettes and lighters, his iPod and laptop, his racing magazine and a copy of Brave New Worldby Aldous Huxley. I walked over and picked it up, then sat on his bed and kicked my heels off. I flipped through the pages.
“What are you reading this for?” I flipped it to the cover and held it up for him to see.
“Junior Honors. Dystopia unit. Ever read it?” He emptied his pockets, tossing his cellphone, lighter, cigarettes, and change on the desktop.
I nodded. “I love it.”
“Yeah, me too.” He took off his button down. He was wearing a tight black a-shirt underneath. I realized that he had a tattoo on each shoulder. They were some kind of matching, snaking dragons. He sat on the desk, his booted feet on the chair, popped the window open and lit another cigarette. “It’s kind of sick, but I love the world they live in. The one we’re supposed to hate.”
“I kind of do, too.” I flipped through the pages and skimmed words that were familiar and delicious. “I like the machines that give you the scented powder. And the crazy porn movies!”
“Yeah, Hamleton a bearskin rug.” He laughed through the cigarette smoke. “And I think it would be cool to see whole groups of identical people, dressed in their own certain color.”
“I always think that I would be an Alpha. Don’t you?” I held my hair up off of my neck and let the cool night air breeze over my over-warm skin, but as soon as the sweat dried, a sudden, sharp chill bit through me.
“Oh yeah.” He flicked ash out the window.“I think every person who has half a brain assumes they’d be an Alpha. You cold?”
“Yeah.” I held my jacket closed tight and folded my bare legs up under me.
I thought he’d close the window, but he jumped down and rummaged through his stuff, then tossed me a clean but smoky thermal top and sweatpants. I pulled the pants on under my dress, shed my coat, put the thermal over, and left the clingy fabric of the dress right where it was.
“I kind of thought I’d get a show.” He bumped his head back against the wall and blew smoke out the window.
“Tough. You didn’t.” I looked at him, so hot and muscled in the moonlight. “I never realized you had tattoos.”
“They’re recent. Maybe two months old.” He looked at them with obvious pride. “Five hours total. They’re not completely colored in yet. Then he pulled his shirt off by the back. I sucked my breath in at his caramel-skinned six pack and bulging shoulder muscles. He had two swooping birds on his pecs and when he turned so I could see his back, there were two mermaids with long, flowing hair swimming up his shoulder blades in addition to the dragons that I had seen partially snaking his shoulders.
“That’s a lot of ink.” I was proud when my voice didn’t wobble all over. “All pairs?”
“It just felt right to get two of each thing done.” He jumped back on the desk and hunched over, his back muscles bulging as he hung his head. The cherry of his cigarette glowed orange in the room. “You like them?”
“Yes.” They were very sexy. I wondered if Jake had ever contemplated tattoos, then put that thought out of my head. Jake wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, just like that. I had broken Jake’s trust, and I knew that Saxon was wrong about the possibility of me winning him back.
Jake once told me about how easy it was to slide into doing something that you didn’t really want to do, but I never believed him. I thought that he was weak or immature because he’d had so much sex. And maybe that was true. But I’d been throwing some big stones from the front door of a glass mansion. In one day I had broken so many of my hard and fast rules, it was daunting to think about it.
“You’re not even considering me as a boyfriend, are you?” Saxon asked suddenly, taking another long drag. His dark eyes glinted in the night.
“I don’t know.” I tried to make out his features in the dim room. “Jake won’t want to date me now.”
“I don’t want to be your damn rebound,” Saxon snarled. He ran his hands through his hair and left it standing up at crazy angles. “Jesus, Brenna. Just don’t date anyone if you don’t think you can get over it.”
“It’s notjust anyone.” I took a deep breath and pulled his thermal closer around me. “It was you, that first day. When I found out you were going out with Kelsie, I was a little crushed. There’s so much about you that I’m attracted to. But there’s also so much that freaks me out.”
He jumped off the desk again and came over to me, his figure lean and powerful in the dimness. I felt my blood thrum in my veins. He sat on the bed next to me, his skin smelling like soap and smoke and Saxon.
“I’m fucked up,” he admitted. “But I could be better than I am. With you, I know I could be. Give me half a chance,” he pleaded.
“I don’t know if you really want this.” My hands itched for his skin, but I was already scared. “Once it’s real, it’s not going to be exciting. It’s going to be so boring, I don’t think you’ll be happy with it.”
“You never bore me.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me, then leaned me back on the bed and kissed me more. And just when I thought I should stop things before they went too far, he pulled me into his arms and just held me. I was nervous that he’d fallen asleep when I heard his voice, low and quiet in the dark. “There are things I want, too. Things I want to change. I’m tired of only being there for a good time, Brenna. I’m tired of being a corrupter of the people I love. No one wants to be the perpetual fuck up.”
I relaxed against him, against the warm body of someone who screwed up a lot. I liked holding our mistakes up against each other, for comparison’s sake, even if it was completely awful of me. It made me come out looking better than I was. It made my own failures feel like they could be overcome. “I know how you feel. I get overwhelmed by it all too.”
He snorted. “Overwhelmed,” he mocked. “That’s one way to look at it.”
I sat up from him. “You don’t think I have similar experiences to you?”
“I think you think you do,” he said carefully. “I like you because we’re the same, Blix. But I want you because we’re different.”
“What does that even mean?” My gut already hated whatever it was he was about to say.
“It’s the virgin/whore thing.” He shrugged. “Don’t get all offended when I explain what I’m talking about,” he warned.
“You don’t need to explain anything to me.” Of course I was offended. I couldn’t fathom any other way to feel considering the crap that just oozed out of his mouth. “Do you really think I don’t know about the whole virgin/whore idea? And how exactly I am supposed to keep from being offended by it?”
“You represent the best possible kind of girl.” Saxon ran a hand down my arm, and I batted it away. “C’mon, Bren, don’t be a prude about this.”
I stood up, hating that I was wearing his clothes. “I’m not being a prude. Maybe it’s just a little freaky that this isn’t really about me at all. It’s about what I represent.”