And that was fair. I was, in fact, just an ex-girlfriend calling for no real reason. He might even have had a date for New Year’s. I thought about the condom wrapper picture. Could Jake have already hooked up with someone as more than just revenge sex? Could he have another girlfriend?
That question was ridiculous. Jake was so gorgeous and sweet and a little bad, there was no reason to wonder whether or not girls would be lining up for a mile. I knew without a doubt that the ball was completely in his court. If he wanted a girlfriend, he could have his pick.
I paced the room a little, and realized that my body was telling me what my mind didn’t have a handle on; I needed to run. It was only a little after six, no one would be up for hours. I put on my running clothes and shoes, left a note for my mother, and started, my pace so crazy it would have made my cross country coach turn cartwheels. I ran past the rivers and parks and buildings of one of the most beautiful cities in the world, but all my eyes wanted to see was a gray-eyed boy with a crooked smile.
As I ran, I cried and didn’t bother to wipe away the tears or the gross amounts of snot that poured out along with those tears. I ran because if I didn’t expend some energy fast, I was going to go crazy.
My sad little heart thumped happily, pumping blood through my body in mad, crashing waves. My lungs worked like a bellows, and I got lightheaded from all the air I gulped in too fast. Coach Dunn had taught me all the techniques to maximize my energy and breathing and control my heart rate, and I knew I should double clutch now before I lost it entirely, but I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to run this aggression off. I made a wild circuit, and when I felt like I was running out of steam, I looked for the giant trees in the park Saxon and I walked through holding hands on our first night in Paris.
I just made it to a bench when I felt my muscles bunch and my breath slice in and out of my lungs, and I had to stop and double over. I couldn’t catch my breath.
I startled when I felt a large hand on my back. “There, there, Blix.” Saxon rubbed my back comfortingly despite the cheerfully mocking tone of his words. “You’ll be okay. Here, have some.”
It was bottled water. I chugged it, then looked at him with my puffy, red eyes and snot still under my nose and chapped lips. “How did you know I’d be here?”
“Because at six this morning it was New Year’s in New Jersey. Plus, this is the only park in Paris you know, so I figured your run would bring you through here eventually.” He wore dark aviator sunglasses, so I couldn’t see his eyes, but would’ve bet they were laughing at me, even if his mouth was serious. Saxon sat next to me and stretched his arm behind my back. “You call him?”
I nodded and felt very close to tears again.
“Blix, I told you he would take you back,” he snapped. “Stop looking so damn weepy. It’s a shitty look for you.”
His callous reaction was actually exactly what I needed. I laughed and punched his arm playfully. “Fuck you, Saxon.”
“Nice if you would,” he drawled, then helped me up. He took the sleeve of his hoodie and pulled it down, long and loose, then wiped at my face gently, sopping up the tears and even the snot. It was one of the most intimately kind things anyone had ever done for me. “It will all be different when we get back. Trust me.”
I put my arm around his waist and he put his around my shoulders, and I realized that as much as I hated having Jake out of my life, I loved the freedom to be with Saxon however I needed to without feeling any guilt. I leaned my head on his shoulder as we walked back, matching my breathing and eventually my heart rate to his. He had been there when I needed him, and that gave my mind a chance for real peace.
The rest of the day rushed by. It was mostly filled with Mom lamenting all the things we hadn’t been able to do and see, including the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame. I was relieved that we had a reason to come back. Much as I had learned being here, I wanted the chance to experience Paris without the drama of Jake and Saxon looming over my head. And it would be great to see Paris in the spring or summer, when things were in bloom. When I pointed that out to Mom, she calmed down and we had a fairly peaceful night.
Mom turned in early, to better ready herself for a long plane flight and to take extreme precaution against jet lag. I was ready to be home, much as I dreaded what I might have to face when I got there. I was done packing, had my travel outfit out and ready and was about to crack into Raskolnikov’s story again when I heard a light knock at my door. I looked at the shut door for a minute, considering. I knew it was Saxon, but I wondered what he wanted.
There was no way I could just wonder for long.
“Come in!” I called.
He stepped into my room and looked around. I know they’re just dorms, but mine definitely had something his lacked. First of all, mine didn’t stink of smoke. It was neat and bright, the windows opened, the bed nicely made, my possessions contained. He dropped on the mattress next to me.
“You don’t hate me, Blix, do you? I mean, after all of this drama, we’re still cool, right?” His voice was low and uncaring, but I knew that he was covering.
I took his hand in mine. “I don’t hate you, Saxon. I thought I could, once, but it didn’t really work. No matter how much of an asshole you are, there’s something likable about you.”
He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I thought I could do it,” he said quietly.
“What?” I turned my face up and looked into his.
He swallowed and I watched the tendons in his throat constrict. “I thought I could make you fall in love with me. I thought with you in Paris with me, and Jake so far away, it would all just fall into place. Man, I was wrong, huh?”
“I did kind of fall for you, Saxon,” I said, my eyes and our hands locked together. “You wouldn’t want me as a girlfriend anyway.”
He smiled. “If I had any chance of ever having a girlfriend, it would have been you, Brenna.”
“So you’re doomed to be permanently alone?” I felt the pressure of his hand as he squeezed mine.
“Maybe. Lose the long face. I’m going to have so much incredible casual sex, it will be unbelievable.” He kissed my cheek, then pulled back and took a deep breath. “But that’s not what I’m here for.”
“What do you want then?” Fear mingled with anticipation when I imagined what he might ask for and how I would possibly be able to say no to him.
“I want to help you,” he said, then fell back on the bed, his arms splayed out, his tattoos slightly visible from the place where his shirt sleeves curled up.
I turned and looked at his long, prone figure. “I don’t need any help from you.”
“Yes, you do.” He shut his eyes. “I drove you to this whole thing. I know you never wanted it.”
That irritated me. It was pretty much the reaction Jake had when I told him about me and Saxon. Why was it so inconceivable that I could make a decision to change something in my own life? Why did every decision I made get taken from me as if I were some infant who could only react to what others did?
I was the one, on the roof, who had pulled Saxon in and demanded we do something! I was the one who had initiated the whole thing! Part of me wanted to chicken out and hide behind Saxon again, but I was getting tired of living according to other peoples’ rules and expectations, no matter how good their intentions for me were. And no matter how huge and messy my own mistakes were.
“I did what Iwanted.”
“Yeah, I know, you’re your own person, blah, blah, blah.”
“So what big help are you offering me?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“I’m going to get you back with Jake.” He clapped his hands together like a genie granting a wish.
I felt my heart leap a little. “Jake?” I said. Just his name felt so good. “Saxon, what Jake and I had is gone. No more. Even if he agreed to date me again, it wouldn’t wind up working out.” Plus that, I didn’t like the idea of Saxon involved with any plan that also had to do with Jake.