“I can’t help you’re good-looking.” I tried hard to play along.
His mouth tightened. “Yeah. I guess I have somegood traits.” I knew what he was saying; he was voicing my exact thought when I had first seen him a few minutes before. He was implying that all I ever liked about him was the physical.
“Look, I’m…” And I stopped before I said ‘sorry’ because it was a lame thing to say, and it was mostly untrue. “I’m glad to see you. I know things are weird. I missed you.”
He still had my hand. Without answering me, he dragged me to a greenhouse. It might have been the same one he dragged me into months ago, where he kissed me so happily. Looking at him now, it didn’t seem possible that moment ever existed. His eyes were steely and cold.
“What are you doing?” His voice was angry and accusing. “You broke up with me, remember? You wanted Saxon. And I stepped back. Why are you torturing me now?” His voice was raw.
“I’m not,” I stuttered, shocked by his dark look. “I do miss you. I’ve been confused.”
He pushed me against the door, his body blocking me in. “You’re a smart girl. Maybe the smartest I’ve ever known. It’s hard for me to believe you’re so easily confused.”
“I am,” I repeated. “I love you.”
“Don’t say that.” His voice was tight and furious. “You’re a liar.”
“I’m not.” I breathed hard. “I love you. But I cared about Saxon. I care about him, and I didn’t know how much or why. I didn’t want to be with you and think about him.” It felt good to say it.
“Well, thanks.” He spat the words out sarcastically. “I hope you two had fun. Just one big genius bullshit party, right?” He pushed off the wall, but I grabbed his arm.
“It wasn’t!” I cried. “It wasn’t, Jake. We…fought a lot. We didn’t get along. Not like me and you.”
“You didn’t see that coming?” Jake sneered. “He’s a user. I’ve told you that a million times. But you didn’t want to see that about him. Hey, I can’t blame you for getting pulled in. He had me good once too. But I never hurt someone else for him.” He started to walk away, but I grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him back.
“That I’m sorry for!” I said. He looked at me, his face contorted with what could have just as easily been anger or sadness. “I never wanted to hurt you! I swear, I never wanted to make you upset, Jake.”
He pulled me to him then, crushed me hard to his chest and breathed in my hair. He tightened his arms around me, and I felt the air swoop out of my lungs. In that moment, my shriveled little heart filled and expanded until I was sure it was going to break through the bones that held it back. Then his mouth was on mine, hungry and persistent. His big, hard hands were all over, and I was felt like my skin could ignite where he touched me. I pressed into him and kissed back, hard and fierce and sorry. I felt a regret I never imagined was possible and a fragile bubble of hope.
Then he pulled away suddenly, his eyes wild.
“Go home, Bren,” he ordered.
My eyes went wide, and I felt a shaky nervousness. “Jake, I think we should…”
“Go the hell home!” he snapped. He looked furious. “Go home now, Brenna!”
I ran out of the greenhouse, and it felt a little like my heart was cracking apart. That delicate bubble of hope burst and was replaced with despair. I got on my bike, my legs jelly shaky, and pedaled away. I wasn’t going towards home, and I wasn’t going towards school, the only two places I really knew the way to. I just pedaled blindly, flying past houses I vaguely knew and going down roads I didn’t know at all. Finally the sun was high, I shook with cold, and I had no idea where I was. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. I would not cry!
I slid my cell phone out of my pocket, already hating the idea of calling my mother. She wasn’t a fan of my riding my bike anyway. This call would be handing her a free pass to complain and nag every time she thought it wouldn’t be safe for me to go out. Which would be every time I wanted to go out. I scrolled through my contacts and stopped at the one that was so obvious but also still unexpected.
“Hey,” Saxon said on the fifth ring. He sounded like he was sleeping.
“I…uh,” I began, and then I was crying.
“Brenna!” He sounded fully awake. I wanted to curl up and fade away. This was getting ludicrous. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost,” I gulped out.
He was silent for a minute, then he laughed. “I was a Boy Scout for like three weeks. I’ll come and find you. Anything nearby?”
“I passed that big mansion off of Plains.” I breathed in and out steadily to keep my voice from shaking. “I went past the emu farm, the one with the dead chickens always in the road. Now I can see the back of the mansion and there’s a brick ranch with an old car on concrete blocks.”
“Is it a Mustang?”
“Saxon, how the hell would I know…wait, it has a running horse on it.” I peered at the silver emblem on the front of the car.
He laughed. “How did you get behind the Garbage Castle?”
“Is that it?” I looked at the turreted monstrosity that I had seen so many times. “You know where I am?”
“Yeah. That’s Roger Benson’s house. His dad’s had that Mustang since the 70’s. It’s incredible.” His voice got dreamy.
“It doesn’t even have wheels,” I said, my teeth clattering. “And it looks like one of the doors is rusting off.”
“You have to look at the inner beauty, Blix. The potential.” He was quiet a minute. “Are you shivering?”
“It isJanuary.” I tried not to be too ungrateful. He was, after all, willing to help.
“I’ll be there in eight minutes.” He clicked off.
I didn’t know where Saxon lived, but eight minutes was probably the amount of time it took if he broke every imaginable traffic law known to man on the way over.
I checked my watch, just for fun. It was twelve forty-seven.
At twelve fifty-four, I heard the rumble of his engine. He pulled way too close to me, popped the passenger door open and came to get my bike. I got in the car and put my hands to the heat vents, blowing a full stream of hot air.
He got in next to me and grinned. “So, I guess I’m gonna be your knight in shining armor whether you like it or not.”
“I’m not usually so dumb,” I apologized.
“What brings a lovely, sexually tempting young thing like yourself to a nearly deserted country road at lunch time?” He held the wheel with one hand and leaned back as comfortably as if he were in a recliner. I loved the way he looked when he drove. I felt a lot of warm feelings towards Saxon when I compared his recent behavior to Jake’s.
“I just got lost.” My words rang false in the hot interior of his car.
“Don’t bullshit me, Blix.” He popped his cigarette pack out of his pocket and pulled one out with his lips. He took out his lighter and tried to light it, but the bumps in the road didn’t make it easy. Neither did the fact that he was doing just under sixty-five. I grabbed the lighter and lit the cigarette. “Thanks, friend.” He took a long drag. “Now, what’s up?”
“I went to see Jake.” I couldn’t say any more. The whole thing was so melodramatic and horrifying.
Saxon rolled his window down and blew smoke out of it. “I guess it wasn’t all wine and roses?”
I shook my head miserably. “He was pretty pissed. He told me to go home. He was so mad. I’ve never seen him that mad.”
“Did you expect a parade? You broke up with him after he gave you his fucking ‘protect my heart’ ring. He went on a limb for you.” Leave it to Saxon to put the truest version of my behavior out in the cold light of day.
Saxon’s lack of sympathy, though right, was upsetting. “He didn’t go on any limb,” I said softly. “Giving me that ring was just the next logical step for him.”