I watched him watch me. It was a kind of ballsy thing to do. If I was just some girl he liked. But if we were tenuously together, that changed things. I rifled around until I found a little container of TicTacs, orange of course, and ate some. He held his hand out and I put some in his palm.
“Thanks.” The car was started, but he sat and looked at me for a long minute.
“What?” I felt a slow burn crawl over my skin.
“Nothing. I don’t want to get too sentimental. I just like you. That’s all.” He pulled out, and I watched him drive without worrying about if he noticed me looking or not. I was making an effort to stop thinking while I was with Saxon. In Paris every minute with Saxon had been a betrayal of Jake’s trust. Back home, Saxon was that incredibly complicated guy again, and I was back to my old habit of thinking and double thinking every move I made when he was around.
But I could break that habit. Or I could give it a decent try.
I fiddled with the radio stations, not finding anything I liked. He pointed his thumb to the back seat. “There’s a CD case there. Lots of good stuff.”
I unbuckled my seat belt for a minute to get it, nervous about his crazy driving. When I turned my head to make sure we were still on a road, I caught him checking my butt out in the review mirror. He smiled at me and shrugged.
“You don’t expect me to look? It’s a good view.”
I would have kicked him, but I didn’t want to make an already precarious driving experience worse. I slid back into my seat, fastened the belt quickly and plopped the case in my lap. It was filled with burned CDs.
“What’s good?” Some of them had song names scrawled on them, but most were just weird titles, like Saxon had made his own mixes and named them. I flipped through the pages. “ Unbelievable Orgasm Mix,” I read. “Is that a good one?”
“Doesn’t the title speak for itself? But considering that’s just wishful thinking at this point, why don’t you spare me the torture?”
“ Driving in a Car with a Boy,” I read.
“That one’s great. A friend of my mom’s, Nessa, recorded some of the tracks with her band. They do this kind of modern Celtic shit. I know, it sounds weird, but it’s wild.”
“Sounds good.” When I popped it in, his bizarre explanation made sense. Her voice was sexy and infectious. And because Saxon was Saxon, I wondered if he had had a crush on this Nessa woman. Or if he had slept with her. “I love it,” I said. And didn’t mention my other musings.
“So, what are you doing Friday night?” he asked casually.
“Um, nothing.” My first Friday night back in the States should have been all about me and Jake. But that…wasn’t going to be.
“Do you want to go on a date with me? I’ll dress nice, pick you up. Take you wherever.”
“That sounds good.” I looked over at him, curious. “What do you want to do?”
“How about dinner and a movie?” he suggested. “I don’t want to get too wild.”
“Alright. I really want to go out for sushi. There’s a new place in Vernon. Thorsten said it’s supposed to be really good.”
“Sounds like a plan.” He smiled around his cigarette. “Since you picked the food, are we going to be all equitable and let me pick the movie?”
“Alright.” I loved movies. Just going was great. And there wasn’t really any genre I hated. Except slasher-type horror movies.
“There’s a new zombie movie playing. I think it’s supposed to be good.”
Why did he have to pick the only type of movie that would freak me out? I made a face.
“Chill, Blix. I’ll be there if you need someone to protect you. Or someone to leave the theater and screw around in the backseat with.”
I laughed outright. “I’ll make it through the movie. Nothing could gross me out more than that backseat. It’s probably got the DNA of half the girls in this county on it.” I glanced back and shuddered.
“Cruel,” he said. “But potentially true. I’ll be sure to spray it down with some Lysol before I invite you to climb back in.”
We were at my house. “Invite me in.” His voice pleaded with me.
“No.” I shook my head. It was getting easier to relax with Saxon, but I needed to have a sanctuary of my own, and that’s what my room functioned as. It was bad enough the ghosts of Jake still loomed large. “Uncle.”
“What?”
“I’m saying ‘uncle.’” I said. He looked at me blankly. “‘Uncle.’ I’ve had enough. Of you.”
He laughed again. “You’re a stone bitch. But I like you like that.”
I popped the passenger door open and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. “Goodbye, Brenna.” And before I knew it, I was in his lap, my mouth and his tangling hungrily. I finally pulled away and got out, shaky and uncertain.
Chapter Twelve
I didn’t look back at his car when he pulled out of the driveway. I went to my room, and I had two immediate desires. I wanted a shower, and I wanted to call Jake. But I didn’t do either. I headed up to the attic, which was above our garage, low-ceilinged and dimly lit. The boxes were all labeled. Mom and I moved around quite a bit when I was a young kid, and a lot of our things had been lost. What we had, she treasured, and it was all boxed and labeled. It took a lot less time than I’d expected to find what I was looking for. It was in the box labeled ‘Brenna’s Art: Age 5 & 6.’
I found the book, the one I had loved so fiercely that I had colored all over it. The original pictures were muted, sketchy and incredible. My scribbles overtop were vibrant, harsh. And also incredible. Together they made a complicated, beautiful mess. I put the box back and took the book downstairs.
Thorsten and Mom used Christmas as an excuse to spoil me again, and this time it had been in the form of software and a new printer, plus a huge pile of soft cotton t-shirts in my size. I also had a feeling there was a silk screening press in my future. After my successful sale of t-shirts at local Folly concerts, Mom and Thorsten were so impressed with my skills, they upgraded and added to my equipment. That’s just the kind of awesome they are.
I put some of the pages through my scanner and manipulated them on my laptop so they would make workable images. Then I fiddled with the contrast and repaired the low resolution. But there wasn’t a lot I needed to do. My kindergarten self had all of the artistic imagination in an afternoon of scribbling that I now needed hours of focused work to achieve.
I ran the print-offs and pressed them with the iron. The design was incredible. I had never been so impressed with anything I made before. I got so into it, I didn’t hear Mom come in. She was in the doorway when I finally sensed her presence and looked up.
“Mom!” I ran to her and gave her a hug.
“Hey sweetie. I see you found your book?” She sniffed my hair. “You smell like smoke.”
“I rode my bike a little far, and Saxon drove me back here.” I obviously omitted any mention of the action in his messy bedroom.
“That was sweet of him,” Mom said carefully, looking at my shirt. “This is incredible, honey.”
“Yeah. Too bad I made it when I was five.” We both studied it for a minute.
“Well, use it as inspiration for new things.” She ran her hands over the design. “So where was Jake today?”
“He and I still aren’t dating.” I swallowed hard as the ugliness and confusion of the day shook through me again. “And we’re not really talking right now.”
“Oh, Bren. I’m sorry.” She did sound sorry, but I knew it wasn’t so much about the fact that I wasn’t back with Jake as the fact that I might be hurting over it.
“Saxon invited me out on Friday night. I wanted to go to that new sushi place Thorsten told us about.” I glanced at her, interested to see her reaction.
“That sounds fun.” Her voice was guarded. “Does Jake know?”