When she did lift her eyes to mine, the look she gave me was so reassuring and kind, I felt choked with self pity. I wanted to pour my guts out to her, but didn’t know where to start. She helped.
“What happened between you and Jake?” Her face was so calm and sweet, I just let loose.
I started on Christmas, and I told Kelsie the entire tale, scratching inane lines and squiggles in my copper plate while Kelsie wove a beautiful, complicated knot pattern in her macramй.
When I was finally done, my eyes were hot with tears, my voice was shaky, and my copper plate looked like almost everything I made in crafts; uninspired crap.
“It would have been better if you’d dated Saxon first,” she said finally.
I was so surprised that she had echoed Devon’s sentiments exactly that I just looked at her, my mouth hanging open.
“Because you would have seen him for what he really is and gotten over it,” she rushed. “And you could have been happy with Jake because you would have known.”
“Devon said that if I had done that, I would have had the worst example of a boyfriend as my first, and that I would have held all the rest of them to this really low standard.” Which was really harsh towards Saxon. He had his real flaws, but I know he cared about me and had a weird system of loyalty. Plus, I had met his mother. Lylee was, as far as I was concerned, the worst kind of parasite. Saxon never had a chance with her as him mom.
“Wow.” Kelsie put her nearly complete, perfect creation aside and rested her chin on her hands, deep in thought. “Devon is really smart.”
“I know.” Then I added my portion of the theory to the mix. “Part of me feels a little like Jake kind of worshipped me, you know. Like he didn’t see any flaws. So maybe…”
“You wanted to throw some flaws in his face?” Kelsie asked gently. “But, Jesus, Bren couldn’t you have just been a little bitchier or just dumped him and not dated Saxon? I mean, there’s not a single guy in the world he hates more.”
I nodded. I didn’t add that there was probably no one he had loved more either. And I realized that Saxon’s not telling Jake about their blood bond might have a lot to do with me. My head buzzed and my throat ached from unshed tears.
By the time the bell rang, Kelsie had made me promise to call if I needed and invited me out with her and her boyfriend Chris later in the week if I wanted.
Saxon waited outside the door when the bell rang. We walked to what was quickly becoming my saving-grace period: gym. I always hated it in middle school. There were so many rules and the team thing was intimidating. But since I had proven myself some kind of cross country star, I could spend the entire period running. Every day. And I needed it.
“Ready to run, Gump?” Saxon put an arm around my shoulders.
“I need it.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
He looked at me quizzically. “Okay. No comment there.”
“Why would you say that?” I growled.
“Why are you looking for a fight?” he growled back.
His black eyes flashed, his color was high, and he had never looked so good. Or so excited. Saxon really did seem to have a thing for confrontation. It did something for him that peace just didn’t. He reached for me, and we kissed hungrily. Usually I’d be embarrassed to kiss like that so publicly, but Saxon had a way of negating all social norms. When we pulled away, he was breathing hard, his hands gripped on my shoulders.
“God, I want you,” he said lowly.
“It doesn’t hurt to want.”
He slid his hands down to my hips and kissed me again. It was good despite our strangely public arena. The hall outside of the locker rooms was crawling with people.
“Enough.” I turned and walked away, leaving him standing alone and shocked. And I know he loved it. Much more than I did. He thought it was part of a game, a flirtation. But I knew that it was just my weirdly muddled feelings, and that made everything even more weirdly muddled.
I was glad to get out on the track. Coach Dunn just nodded to me as I started my set. I popped my earbuds in and ran to what I had downloaded the night before, a classical mix. But I realized my mistake pretty quickly. I thought no lyrics would mean less thinking. But running always started my thinking juices running, and the swells and washes of the music just let me plug my exact feeling and worries in. So much for my attempt at mind trickery.
I ran faster and harder, like I could outrun what worried me. It just wore me out. My muscles burned and my head ached, but I pushed past the stars that whizzed in front of my eyes.
By the time I finished, Coach Dunn was happy, I could barely breathe, and my stomach was churning. One more period, and I would be at Tech. One more period, and I would be sitting across from Jake for hours.
Running until sweat drips down your face isn’t the best thing for makeup or hair. I spent a long time in the locker room repairing what damage I had done and possibly avoiding Saxon. When I came out, the hall was cleared. Saxon was waiting.
“You look nice.” His voice was cold.
“I ruined my makeup running,” I explained. We started walking to the cafeteria. It would be the first time in months I had eaten at Frankford. Jake had been picking me up so we could eat lunch together at Tech. I liked his sweet, happy friends. I liked his hand on my thigh under the table. It wasn’t going to be anymore.
“Why are you all dolled up, Blix?” Saxon asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked carefully.
“I know the answer.” His mouth screwed into a tight little knot. “I just need to hear you say it. So I can come to grips with this bullshit.”
I stopped and looked right at him. “I got dressed up because I knew this day would be super shitty. And I wanted to look nice for me.”
He snorted. “Lying to yourself doesn’t change the truth, Bren.”
“That is the truth!” I insisted. It was. Partially.
“Your misery is contagious,” he griped.
“Then get away from me,” I said, my teeth gritted.
“I wish I could,” he snarled.
We marched to the lunchroom, moodily selecting food and coming to the table where Saxon reigned like some hot young lord. He turned it on for the rest of his entourage big time, and their jovial kindness extended to me, since he and I were linked. I was in no mood, and after a growl or two, everyone gave me a wide berth.
Finally the bell rang. I jumped up and started out, Saxon hot on my heels. “You don’t have to walk me,” I said hurriedly. “I’m going to be late if we talk. Where’s my bike?” I demanded.
“Back of my car. I came out and moved it after first,” Saxon said. “Get in. I’ll drive you to Tech.”
“No!” I panicked. I had this hope, this crazy hope that I was clinging to hard and fast. I hoped Jake would be waiting for me outside the squat little building, just like he had in that weird in-between time after we started flirting but before we’d been a couple. I wanted that possible moment all to myself.
“Get in.” His eyes were sharp.
“No!” I yelled, my panic made worse because I knew, I knewJake wouldn’t be there, waiting. What had I done? “Leave me alone!”
“No.” He grabbed my arms and then pulled me to him. “No way. I have to do this. Get in.”
So I got in, only because he was so determined that I didn’t know if I could sway him after all. And, in the end, I just needed to get there and get this over with.
We pulled up at VoTech, I searched the parking lot with a wild twitch of my eyes, and my stomach actually clenched hard. I could feel the cold slosh of whatever I had shoved in my mouth for lunch.
Jake wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there.
Chapter Thirteen
I started to climb out of the car, but Saxon grabbed my wrist. I twisted away from him, but he pulled harder and kissed me. For a second, I settled into the kiss and relaxed enough to breathe. Then Saxon ripped his mouth away, and said, “Get out. I’ll be here to pick you up. We both have practice after school.”