His eyes were clear and black as pitch, deep, hot, molten black. “Don’t talk circles around me, Blix.” He set his mouth in a tight line. “You like me too much to tell me the truth, don’t you? Oh my fucking god, I’ve moved into the damn friend zone.”
“What are you talking about?” I squeaked, because he was saying things that I knew were true but wasn’t ready to face yet.
He shook his head and tossed his inky hair out of his eyes. The look on his face was a mix of stricken sadness and idiotic amusement. “Nothing.” He cupped a hand under my chin and kissed me on the lips, full and soft and punctuated with the slightest moan. “Let’s get this over with, right?”
Before I could say anything, he yanked my hand, pulling me towards his car in the chilly light.
Chapter Fifteen
Saxon cranked the stereo and grunted at every attempt at conversation I made. By the time we got to the adorable little stone-fronted sushi restaurant, I’d come to the sinking realization that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy my raw fish.
Saxon wound around the front of the car and opened my door, marched up the steps next to me, grabbed the door to the restaurant and swung it open for me, ducking to avoid the tinkling silver tubes of the windchime that hung too low in the doorway. He strode to the hostess stand, leaned close and spoke low to the girl with the stack of menus, and whatever he said made her giggle and blush. We were led to a cozy corner table in the low-lit, paper-screened side room, but I couldn’t enjoy the quiet elegance. Saxon crossed his arms and scowled at me, but smiled sweetly at the waitress, and ordered tons of the most expensive foods on the menu. He cracked the chopsticks apart and grabbed all the pieces he wanted without asking me if I cared. Not that it was a huge deal, but he ate all the unagi rolls, which were my favorite. He also hogged the wasabi.
“Is something wrong?” I watched him wolf down the food and never make eye contact with me.
“Nope.” He took a long gulp out of his water glass and made a face like he’d chugged rotten milk. “Maybe.” He folded his hands on the shiny dark wood table and leaned towards me. He waited for me to lean towards him and said, “I’d kill someone for a bottle of sake. I don’t think the waitress will serve me, though.” He leaned back and smirked. “Not with you here, anyway.”
“What are you talking about?” I snapped back in my chair and shook my head. “I don’t look thatyoung, and you definitely don’t look twenty-one, so forget that.”
“I didn’t think she’d serve me because I look twenty-one.” He ran a hand through his black hair, and when he flashed me a smile, it was the wolfish one I hadn’t seen in a while. “I have other ways of convincing girls to give me what I want.” His mouth was watering as he anticipated whatever my face might give away; shock, hurt, unhappiness maybe? Knowing exactly what he was thinking, I kept my slack-jawed, narrow-eyed, trembling-chinned facial tics under control and offered him a blank stare. His lips went sulky, but then he leaned over and added, “Well, some girls. Not the cock teases. Youknow what I mean. Right, Blix?”
There were a hundred barbed, nasty things I could say to him, but it was a waste of breath. I stood up and dropped my share for dinner on the table. “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll wait in the lobby for you.”
The side of his mouth twitched, and he scooped the money up and shoved it back at me. “This is a date. I don’t want your money.”
I grabbed the bills, smoothed them out and slammed them back on the table. “You call this a date? This is a mess, and I insiston paying my share.”
“You’re taking responsibilities for your messes now? Refreshing.” He cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Is there something you want to say to me, Saxon? Because if there is, just say it.” I could hear the dare snapping in my voice.
He stood up so fast he almost knocked his chair onto the floor. “I will, then.” He rushed at me and jabbed his index finger against my breastplate. “I made a fool out of myself over you for weeks, and shame the fuck on me, because you were never into this, were you? Were you?”
All the air sucked out of my lungs and left me tight and twisted in front of him. “I’m sorry,” I stuttered. His face was so close to mine, I could see his pupils, deeper black than the midnight of his irises. “I’ve been so screwed up, Saxon. I haven’t been fair to you. Or myself. Or anyone.” I couldn’t bring myself to utter Jake’s name, even though he was the one I screwed over the worst. “I was so stupid. I just wasn’t sure about so much, so much was confusing…”
“I get it,” he bit out, sifting his words through his teeth. He tightened his hands on the back of the chair and shook it on its legs with a frustrated groan. “So I was just someone to waste time with for you, too? Don’t look all stricken. I’ve been that for other girls before. I just didn’t expect it from you. That’s all.”
“That’s not true! You’re so important to me. How could you think you’re not? That’s the reason why this has been so insane!” I put my hand on his forearm and he snatched it back like he’d been burned. “The fact that I care about you is what started this all!”
“Important to you?” he sneered, brushing past me. “Important for what? A ride now and then? Someone to run over and check on you when Jake wasn’t paying you any attention?” He was about to walk away from me.
The room felt like it was tilting wildly. “That’s not what you are to me.” I reached out and grabbed onto the side of the table. “Saxon, listen to me. You mean so much to me. Believe me when I tell you that. Please, believe me.”
He whirled around. “Believe you? Why? Because you’ve been so honest up to now? If you want me to believe I mean so much to you, why don’t you prove it?” His lips curled back and he bared his teeth at me.
“How?” I reached out for him a second time, and he grabbed my hand hard.
“Come back to my place. Be with me. Just me. Just us.” His eyes were dark and wild, and I could see that he knew exactly what he was asking me.
My heart hammered hard in my chest, and part of me wondered what it would be like. I knew I could trust him. I knew he’d care about me enough to make it special. I also knew in the pit of my heart that it would be a huge mistake, and one that would be impossible to take back. I knew my own heart, and I told him the honest truth.
“I can’t do that, Saxon. Not with you, not with anyone.” My knees shook so hard, I swear they knocked together.
“Why not? Because of him? You never wanted me, did you?” he snarled, his hold on my wrist tightening from rough grab to full, blood-stopping tourniquet.
First I felt a white-hot blast of fury, and I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would spew acid words right into his arrogant face. But two deep breaths and the desperate bite of his hand on my wrist dissolved the jagged edges of my anger and melted it into something softer. Something sadder.
In the middle of this pretty paper room, under the low glow of the creamy lamps, I could see that Saxon was fueled by a twisted kind of love. I put my hand on his, on the hand that had bound itself so fiercely round my wrist, and loosened his fingers one by one.
“That’s not how it works. That’s not good enough for either one of us.” My voice stayed soft but firm. We squared off, our eyes locked.
“Coward,” he accused, his voice raw as gravel on new skin.
“Not at all.” I raised a hand to his cheek, but he shied away from my touch. “I’d be a coward if I slept with you to try to get an answer or make things easier. I won’t do that for either one of our sakes.” I took the bills off the table and folded them into my pocket. “You pay. I’m sorry I bitched about our date. It was really sweet of you to take me out.”