“Tell Saxon to close the window if you get too cold,” she fussed. “And he can’t stay long, honey. You’re supposed to be resting.”
“I know, Mom. But I feel really good. I promise.”
“Yeah, well you thought you felt good enough to go to school this week and you were practically dying of pneumonia.” Mom crossed her arms. “I don’t know if I can trust you to make your own decisions anymore.”
I didn’t roll my eyes at her, but it took a real effort. Then I saw Saxon come in with a breakfast-in-bed tray that we’d only ever used for Mother’s Day. Mom gave one last worried look and left.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Saxon asked quietly as he set the tray down over my legs. He put a napkin over my lap and pulled my desk chair next to my bed so he could sit near me.
“I’m recovering from pneumonia.” I took a sip of sweet, milky tea.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. Why would you have kept going to school when you were so sick? Why wouldn’t you go to the nurse? Are you an idiot?” He reached out and took my cup of hot tea when he noticed me wriggling to get into a better position to eat.
“I don’t know, Saxon.” I took a big, hungry bite of my second tart. “I just felt crazy. I was sick, so I guess I just wasn’t thinking straight.”
His mouth was pressed in a tight line.
“What? Geez, between you and my mother, I’m going to die of guilt before the fluid in my lungs does me in.” I ducked my head to see his face, and he looked up, defeat in his expression.
“That was crazy, Bren. Like big-time crazy, going to school like that,” he said lowly. Like he was admitting something.
“Okay?” I pushed the food away. “What are you getting at, Saxon? Just spit it out.”
“I’m saying that you weren’t going in everyday so you could keep up in government. And you weren’t going to see me, much as it hurts my ego to say it.” He got up and fiddled with my things, opening drawers and poking through my underwear, flipping up jewelry box lids, pawing through books, and it was just to use up nervous energy.
I knew where he was going, but I wanted him to come out and say it. Both because my saying it would illuminate my desperation (and I had been feeling pathetic enough lately) and because if he said it, it meant he was worried about it. And if he was worried about it, it meant there was a chance it might all work out.
Which would hurt Saxon deep down even though we’d agreed to just be friends. My heart ached.
“What do you think I was going in for?” I blew on my hot tea, keeping my eyes on the gently rippling liquid.
He fished his fingers in a small glass bowl on my bookshelf and held Jake’s gold posey ring looped loosely around the tip of his index finger.
“I promised I’d fix it for you when we got back.” He leaned on my desk with one hip and threw the ring up in the air. He caught it with a quick flash of his hand, then did it again.
“I told you that was a stupid idea.” My heart dropped like an iron weight in my stomach. “I know you got him to drive me home from the Folly concert, but we’re just friends. He’s with Nikki now. I can respect what he wants.”
Saxon stopped fidgeting completely and the room suddenly felt too still. “When we were first back, and you called and came to my house. I thought we might end up together, even though I knew it was a long shot. And even though it was kind of a disaster, and has pretty much been a disaster every time I got together with you, I kept holding out hope that it would work. The other night, when we went out for sushi, and we were at your house, before, I knew that whatever pull he has on you, it’s his thing. I don’t have that. I can’t make you feel that way about me.” His eyes were completely black and flat. They looked resigned.
“You’ve been amazing. I really care about you. I’ve loved spending time with you, Saxon, and don’t be pissed when I tell you that I’ve loved being your friend. I feel like I know myself better now, since I’ve been with you.” I glanced up, but his eyes were too dark and pained to look into. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, but I realized there was still just one thing he wanted to hear. And it broke my heart that there was no way I could say it. There was no way I could lie to him or myself anymore. “I’ve loved every minute of being with you.”
“Yeah, I’ve been a good teacher, right?” He broke his stillness, and threw and caught the ring. “Letting you see just a little of the dark side. Just enough to make you realize it’s something you want to stay far away from.”
“You aren’t on the dark side.” I rolled my eyes for him to see, just so he would think that I thought he was being melodramatic. “I like you the way you are. And I don’t regret any of it.”
“You’re doing that thing where you stick your chin up. I know what it means, Bren.” He took my hand and slid the ring back on. I had lost a few pounds being sick, so it was loose on my finger. “You’re trying to convince yourself of something when you know you’re full of crap.”
There was a light knock on my half open door. I sat up, expecting Mom, and saw Jake instead. My heart hammered.
“Hey, Bren.” His eyes were red-rimmed and darted nervously around the room, failing to focus on anything. He held a bouquet of flowers in his hand, pink and green and white. It was the brightest, freshest thing I had seen in days. “If you don’t want me here, I’ll leave.” He looked at Saxon and nodded. The two of them eyed each other warily, but it didn’t seem like there was any anger between them.
“I was just leaving.” Saxon got up.
“Don’t go.” I grabbed his wrist, and he looked down at my hand, then traced Jake’s posey ring with the tip of his index finger. The air in the room already crackled with tension.
He kissed my hand, leaned down, and said quietly enough that Jake couldn‘t hear, “The look on your face when he walks into the room? That’s love, Bren. I can’t compete with that no matter how many times I jerk you off in my car. I know why I worked for you. I’m glad it lasted while it did.” He kissed my cheek.
I grabbed his arm. I knew there was no way to make it right, but I felt the heavy lead of a guilty conscience on my shoulders. I hated that the way I acted brought Saxon pain. I wished I could take it all back. He was giving me a mocking look that tried to trick me into thinking he didn’t care. “You’re being a self-obsessed ass,” I hissed. “Stop being so melodramatic. Please stay.”
He kissed my cheek again, then turned and left.
And I was alone with Jake.
As much as it hurt when I saw the disappointment in Saxon’s eyes, I knew that every single thing he said was true. I did love Jake. I loved Jake Kelly, and if he was coming to tell me that there was a way for us to be together again, there wasn’t one fiber in my body that would be capable of resisting him.
I sat up straighter and tried to move the tray on my lap. I wasn’t necessarily looking for him to swoop in and help me, but I did want to see how he’d react and if things would still be cool between us.
He hurried over, grabbed the tray and lifted the whole heavy thing with an ease that reflected regular hard work. He put it down gently while I watched his muscles flex. He pointed to the chair uncertainly.
I nodded. “Sit down.” I reached over and ran my hands over the petals of the flowers, some of them already scattered lightly over my bedspread. “Are the flowers for me?”
He picked them up and placed them on my lap. “Of course.” He stared at them without really seeing them.
“Thank you.” I pulled them up to smell them.
“You’re welcome.” His voice was robotic. He sat and folded his hands awkwardly, seeming unsure what to do with them. “You were really sick,” he informed me, his voice shaky.