“No.” I shook my head. “I mean, I had pneumonia, but there weren’t any complications or anything. I’m fine.” If he was here because he thought I was at death’s door, then I didn‘t want it. It would be like having someone love you because he was under a love spell; you could never trust a contrived love like that.
“You look really bad.” He hung his head.
“Thanks a lot, Jake,” I teased, trying to figure out exactly why he was back in my room and how long it could possibly last.
“You know what I mean.” He looked up at me, his gray eyes stark and wild, his face so angry, I dropped the bouquet in surprise. “I wasn’t even around. If something had happened…”
“That’s because we broke up,” I interrupted as if I was explaining some kind of complicated secret.
“Yeah, about that.” He very slowly took my hand and ran his thumb over the posey ring Saxon had slid on. “You wanted to tell me why. That day you came to see me at Zinga’s.”
“You didn’t want to hear.” I stared at my hand in his and my heart fluttered. “When I came and saw you, you told me to get lost.” I furrowed my brow. “Now you want to know?”
“I was so damn mad at you, Brenna.” He stroked my hand with quick, soft touches. “And I still am. Kind of. Then you had to go and almost die. Like Kate Winslet in Sense and Sensibility.”
I smiled at his obvious attempt to butter me up, even if he was claiming to be pissed at me. “Marianne Dashwood,” I corrected. “Kate Winslet just played her in the movie.”
“Whatever,” he said good-naturedly. It was a huge relief to hear Jake’s voice with all the sweetness I was used to. “Anyway, you didn’t come to school, then Saxon called and told me, and I was freaking out.”
What? “Saxon told you?” I asked. Why?
“I was really pissed to hear from him at first, but he explained everything.” Jake’s gray eyes were calm, like we both knew perfectly well what he was talking about and that it was all good.
“What did Saxon explain?” My voice sounded far away and tinny in my ears.
“How you were still into me from the beginning,” Jake said with a shrug. “How you regretted everything. How you would be glad to get back together with me.” He licked his lips nervously. “And I knew it was what I wanted. I didn’t want to date some random girl. I want you. It’s always been you, Brenna.”
There was that moment that was a little golden gift, and everything sane and rational in me screamed that I should scoop it up and accept what Jake was offering.
But something about this was off. There was something I just couldn’t get a handle on. My just-recovered brain muddled confusedly through the words Jake had just spoken. Not the final ones that were kind of melting my heart in the background; the earlier ones, where he wiped the slate clean so easily it made my stomach clench.
“Jake, why did you take Saxon at his word?” I pulled my hand free of his.
He sat up straighter, his now-empty hands resting on his lap. “Why would he lie?”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
“So what he told me wasn’t the truth?” Jake asked, confused and just at the edge of hurt again.
And I wanted to apply the emergency brakes again and stop this train wreck that I was about to create. But what was the point of going through all of this heartache if I was right back where I started at the end of it all?
“It was Saxon’s version of the truth,” I explained. “And it was part of a deal he made with me.”
“What kind of deal?” Jake demanded.
I didn’t like his tone. I knew I had hurt him, but part of the reason I did what I did was because I wanted to be able to care about Saxon on my own terms, without Jake’s anger. And maybe I’d taken it way too far, but I didn’t regret getting to know Saxon better. I felt stronger for having been with Saxon, even if being together as a couple wasn’t right for us in the end. “An exchange. He felt like he’d helped ruin our relationship, so he decided to help fix it. I told him I didn’t think it would work.”
Jake looked up at me, his eyes wide with realization. “But it did work, didn’t it?” he said slowly. “I was so happy to hear him say what I wanted to hear, I never really thought about whether it was true. Or just more lies.” His face hardened a little and he stood. “Sorry Bren, but I can’t hear any more lies from you.”
If I wasn’t recovering from pneumonia, I would have been on my feet and staring him down in a fury. As it was, I had to make do with sitting and waving my arms around like a deranged angry woman. “I never lied,” I said fiercely. “You say you want the truth, but it seems to be the only thing you don’t want to listen to!”
That stopped him in his tracks. He came back and sat down. “Alright. What’s the truth?”
I had no idea where to start. What was the truth?
“The truth is that you put me on a pedestal.”
He frowned. “You say it like that was a bad thing.”
“It was.” I twisted the gold ring on my finger.
“For me to love you? For me to realize how amazing you are?” He shook his head. “Sorry if I fucked up by telling you that you’re important to me, Bren,” he added sarcastically.
“Loving me and idealizing me aren’t the same,” I said quietly.
“I didn’t idealize you,” he said, too quickly. He hadn’t even bothered to think about it.
“Yes, you did. You knew what I had done. Or hadn’t done. I guess that was pretty ideal in your mind. The virginal, pure girlfriend. But you thought that meant I would never mess up or make a wrong move.”
“Well, you’re smart. A lot smarter than me. When did thinking that become such an awful thing?” he demanded.
“That’s another thing.” I swallowed hard. “You put yourself down; it’s a habit, I know, but it says something about what you really think of me.”
“What do you mean?” He stared at me.
“If you’re such an idiot and I’m with you, what does that say about me?” I challenged. “Not much, right?”
“But that’s not how I mean it…” His eyebrows crashed low over his eyes.
“I know,” I interrupted. “But it’s only because you haven’t really thought about it. I always knew I’d mess up at some point. And it kind of felt like the longer we went with you telling me how terrible you were and how great I was, the more it would suck when we both faced the fact that that’s not true. And you being a loser and me being perfect are two huge lies. And each one is equally terrible in its own way.”
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, which was totally to his credit. He was thinking. Granted, he was thinking for a few minutes about things I’d been obsessing over for months, but it was the first step.
When he finally opened his mouth, he snapped it closed again. I wanted to hear what he had to say, wanted to know if it had made any difference to him.
“What is true, Brenna?” he asked, his voice a little cracked.
“What’s true is that I thought about you every day. And I missed you so much it made me ache. And I wanted to see the pictures you posted. And I hated missing school because it meant not seeing you, so I went even when I had pneumonia.” I took a deep breath. “And what’s also true is that I tried really hard to make something work with Saxon. I really tried,” I added for emphasis. I could feel myself radiating a shameful red.
“Why didn’t it work?” Jake asked. “He’s smart. I mean, he’s like a genius. And he’s loyal, in a weird way. And he‘s good-looking, I guess. I mean, I know girls find him attractive. Or whatever.” He shook his head. “It’s pretty weird to be sitting in your room defending fucking Saxon of all people.”
“He is a genius.” I chose my words carefully. “He’s loyal, and it is weird. And I am attracted to him. He’s also caring and tries hard to do the right thing, whatever that means. To him.” I looked at Jake closely. “But he isn’t you. And that makes all the difference.”