“Why?” Jake’s voice sounded hopeful.
“Because it’s youI want. I’m not giving you a specific reason, because I honestly can’t. I just want you.” I shrugged, but my shoulders felt really heavy. It hadn’t been that long since we had been intertwined, our lives expanding and contracting in the same rhythm. Then we were apart, and I felt scattered, but I didn’t know for sure that Jake felt that way. I realized that his whole visit might have been fueled mostly by guilt.
But then he was leaned forward, his eyes bright. “You want me? You’re sure?”
I thought about all we’d been through and all everyone had said and all I’d wanted and missed and done. That all made a difference, but in the end, there was only one truth.
“Yes,” I said. “I want you. I’m sure.”
Jake moved slowly next to me on the bed, then gathered me gently in his arms and crushed me, suddenly, against his body and held tight. “Jesus Christ, Brenna,” he said roughly. “This has been a crazy fucking few weeks.”
I put my arms around him and grabbed tight, balling my fists around his shirt in an effort to pull him closer to me. “You smell so good,” I choked out, breathing him in hard. “You feel so good.”
“I take it you missed me?” he asked, his adorably sweet smile back. And all for me.
I smiled back, but there was already a nagging fear in my too-busy brain. Jake and I were back together, back where we both needed to be, but this wasn’t going to just snap back to what it had been; and I knew I didn’t want that anyway. The truth was, we had both done things to inspire jealousy in each other, just because we wanted to. This relationship was not the same beast it had been when we both started dating, and I wasn’t sure what that meant for us.
Because I loved being Jake’s girlfriend. And I loved being free. I loved doing my own thing. I always felt like I had been doing that, but I wasn’t. I was doing what I thought made me a good girlfriend. I couldn’t just go back to that.
I also couldn’t just dump Jake and expect him to come back with open arms. There had to be a middle ground.
But in that moment, Jake’s eyes were looking at me hungrily. “I’ve really missed you.” He kissed me, just a warm dry kiss at first, then a set of small, teasing kisses, then deep, insistent kissing that opened me up the way only Jake ever had.
I knew now that it wasn’t what he did physically, because I had done it with someone else. It was his elemental taste, the way his tongue felt on mine, the sound of his voice when we pulled apart and he said my name. Every piece of it made me feel filled up and warmed over and home.
Which didn’t necessarily make sense. There was very little that Jake and I actually had in common. All I knew was that when I was with Jake, I felt calm. I felt at peace. I felt the exact way I’d felt the second I walked through the door of my home after being in another country. Paris was exotic and gorgeous and amazing; but there was only one place that would ever smell like home for me.
We must have been suspiciously quiet, because Mom made a lot of noise walking down the hallway and poked her head in.
“Sorry, Jake.” Mom flashed the laser eyes. “Brenna’s had a long day. She needs her rest.”
Jake answered, “Yes, Mrs. Blixen.”
He stood awkwardly, and Mom relented a little, sighing. “Five minutes.”
She left and he grabbed my face hard and kissed me. “I would tell you I’d come over, but your mother will be in and out a million times tonight,” he whispered. “Can we talk on the phone?”
“Yes!” I felt giddy despite my trepidations.
“I love you, Bren,” he said and kissed me again. His lips were sweet and insistent, burning softly over my cool skin, marking me with gentle nudges and delicate pulls.
He walked to the door, and looped back to grab the bangles off of my desk. “I need these.” He grinned and continued out backwards while I laughed, my relief intense and wonderful.
I heard him say good-bye to Mom and Thorsten, heard the door close shut behind him and felt a warm pulsing in my lowest regions. I wanted him back in this room, in my bed. I didn’t want to waste a minute. I was already plotting weekends with him and dates, getting all worked up about the things I hadn’t realized were so wonderful a few weeks before.
And then I remembered that Saxon was probably feeling like shit. I grabbed my cell and dialed his number.
He picked up fairly quickly. “Blix. It all worked out?” His voice was lazy.
“Jake and I are back together,” I said as calmly as I could and waited with my eyes closed and my lips pressed together.
“Well, I’ll bow out gracefully then.” His words sounded perfectly casual.
“That’s not what I want,” I rushed. “I want to be…don’t make me say it, Saxon.”
“You’re lucky you stopped short,” he chuckled. “No girl has ever uttered those words at me. Let’s go back to rival soul mates, alright?”
“Sounds good.” And I realized that it wouldn’t work in a way that would leave either one of us completely satisfied. It never would, and there was no point in trying.
“You know how to make one big ass production, Blix. Pneumonia? Next time tone down on the melodrama. Jake would have come back to you without all the theatrics.”
“Hardy har har,” I griped, but I let out a silent sigh of relief that we were joking a little again. “What are you doing for the rest of the day?”
“Nikki Devine is going to need some comfort and want some revenge. I’d say my bed will probably be full. Don’t fret over me, Brenna.”
“Saxon,” I begged. “That sounds like a shitty idea.”
“You had your chance.” His voice slid into sexy mode. “Don’t try to deny the other fine ladies a piece of me. It isn’t fair.”
I laughed a little, more to make things seem normal than because I actually found anything funny about his plans. “Good-bye, Saxon.”
“Until we meet again, Blix.”
The connection clicked off, and finally, peacefully, I drifted into the first contented sleep I’d had in weeks. I know I dreamed, and I know they were crazy, but I was completely happy when I woke up later and couldn’t remember a thing.
Chapter Seventeen
There was a new clawing need in my heart for Jake. Things had always been intense between us, but now that I’d almost lost him, I clung to every chance we had to see each other. Mom was absolutely against him visiting for the rest of the week, but by Wednesday, I couldn’t stand it anymore and begged her to let me go back to school.
“I’m fine,” I pleaded. “My appetite is back. I haven’t had a fever, haven’t coughed at all. I’m going to die of boredom if I have to stay home another day. Plus that, I’m falling behind in school. Please, Mom. Please?”
“Fine.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “But you are not riding to school on that bike, I don’t care if it’s seventy degrees tomorrow. So forget that.”
“Do you want me to take the bus?” I held my breath but didn’t go so far as to dare to hope.
I hated to use it against her, but her guilt over my sickness and breakup with Jake all bubbled to the surface and made her relent. “Jake can drive you for now.” She sighed and left me to do a private dance of happiness.
No one had ever been happier to wake up at the crack of dawn and get ready for school than I was that first morning back. Only a week had passed, but it felt like a month. I dressed, packed my backpack, ate breakfast, and brushed my teeth, all the while humming happily in my throat. When I heard the gravel crunch on the driveway, I practically flew out the door and into Jake’s waiting arms.
He pushed his face into my hair and squeezed me so tight I gasped.
“Where’s Mom?” He checked the windows, looking for her tell-tale curtain flutter.
“She had to leave early to prep for her classes.” I felt like I couldn’t get close enough to him. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist. His hands cupped my butt and he nuzzled my neck.