I just wish I could pretend that I hadn’t fallen in love with him and that my heart doesn’t hurt when I think of him. Most of all, I wish I didn’t miss him.
Ethan
It’s crazy how disappointed a person can be with himself. We are responsible for making our own choices. Even when we know the outcome can be bad, most of the time, we still make mistakes.
I knew what could happen the longer I kept things from Kelsey, and for some reason, I still never found a time to tell her. Now, here I am, lying on the couch in my living room in the dark and feeling angry with myself because I made a mistake. A big mistake.
It’s been almost two months since Logan told me about her first doctor’s appointment. The one where she first heard the baby’s heartbeat and the one I should have been with her. But she still won’t answer my calls. I’ve missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. We were supposed to spend them all together. Now, I may never get the chance.
I’ve considered countless times going over to her apartment and demand she talk to me. I should do it, because after everything, keeping a child from their father is bullshit, but Sara keeps reassuring me Kelsey will come around and I need to give her space. Two months feels like plenty of time to get your space. I need to just face it: Kelsey wants nothing to do with me. Not even as the father of our baby.
Sara’s been kind enough to keep me employed at the BA, but she gave Kelsey a new position keeping the books and lets her do it from their apartment. The fall semester ended, meaning Kelsey’s finally done with college and will walk in the spring to get her degree. I also heard she got the columnist job. Again, I wanted to call to congratulate her—for moments like that, I should be there with her.
I’m also lucky that Logan has been sharing bits and pieces of what Kelsey has been up to and how she’s feeling. He threatens me each time that Sara can never find out what he is doing. More secrets. That’s what got me into this whole mess.
A knock at my door doesn’t pull me off the couch. I don’t care who’s here. If it’s not Kelsey, they don’t matter. The knock quickly turns into pounding until whoever it is gives up and just lets themselves inside.
“Dude, really, get off the couch,” Logan says as he walks closer and then stops to bury his face in his elbow and wave his free hand in front of him. “If that’s you who smells like garbage, we have problems. Come on, get up.”
“I’m good,” I tell him.
“No, you’re not. Look at you, sitting all pathetic on the couch. Not giving a damn. Haven’t showered, haven’t shaved, and haven’t—”
“I don’t have a reason to do any of those things. Drop it,” I say, rising quickly to get in his face.
“Well…at least I got you off the couch.” He pushes me away from him. “Now go shower.”
“No,” I argue, letting my body drop back onto the sofa.
“Alright,” Logan steps toward me and yanks on my arm. Like a little kid, I pull back, lift my foot to his stomach, and push him away before I jump to my feet.
“Dude, what the—”
Logan grabs my arms and pulls me in front of him then shoves me from the back.
“Get in the shower now, Ethan. Kelsey and Sara are going to get some food and we’re going to be at the café with they get there.”
Now he has my full attention.
“She doesn’t want anything to do with me, Logan. It will only make things worse.”
He doesn’t respond right away and his silence lets me know he isn’t giving up.
“Is that what you want?” he asks.
“What?”
“To give up. To just let her go. To let her live her life without you.”
“That’s not what I want. That’s what she wants.”
Logan shakes his head. “So, you are giving up. I have to tell you, I think it’s weak and stupid and you’re an idiot. Stop acting like a girl and being all dramatic. Go get what you want. Don’t take no for an answer.”
“I’m not being a girl,” I tell him and walk straight up the stairs to take a shower.
* * *
We pull into a parking space next to the diner downtown. Logan turns off his truck.
“Let’s go.”
“What if she causes a scene?” I ask.
“She won’t. The only person causing a scene right now is you being afraid to go in there.”
I get out of the truck and walk past him into the coffee shop. I’m over all this “you’re acting like a bitch” talk.
The smell of coffee beans is overwhelming when I walk inside. It takes me less than five seconds to find Sara. My heart drops in my chest when I notice she’s sitting alone. She smiles at me and waves me over. I walk slowly, disappointed because Kelsey isn’t here.
“Hurry, sit,” Sara demands. May as well do what everyone else tells me since my own choices haven’t ended well. “She can’t run if you’re already sitting.”
Run.
What is she talking about?
“I have her purse, too, so she has to come to the table—oh shh, shh here she comes.” Sara waves her hands in my face. Kelsey stands just a few tables away. She looks perfect, wearing blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt that is now snug against her belly.
She stops when she sees me, and for a minute I think I see her eyes tearing up. Probably a pregnancy thing. I’ve read a little about it, but I’m still hoping they are tears of joy at seeing me. Her face has no expression as she walks to our table.
“Hi,” I say when she stops next to Sara’s chair. She squats down, grabs her purse, then walks away.
“Kelsey, wait!” I shout as I follow her out of the coffee shop. “Please talk to me. I messed up, I know I did, but—”
“But nothing, Ethan. I don’t want this baby to grow up in a lie or to suffer like I have.”
“It wasn’t a lie. Nothing with you was a lie. I love you.” I grab her hand and pull her close. “I love you more than anything and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Please. Please give me that chance.”
Tears flow over her cheeks as she looks away and time stands still. She takes a moment to catch her breath.
“I’m not going to keep you from your baby, Ethan. No matter what happens, this baby deserves a father. You will always be a part of my life, but I can’t trust you, Ethan, and I…I don’t want this. I don’t want us.”
“Just give me five minutes to explain. I never intended to hurt you. I just wanted my dad’s approval.”
“You had more than enough chances before this all happened to talk to me. To trust me. But you didn’t and this is what happened. I’m sorry, Ethan.”
And just like that, I watch her walk away without fighting. She’s given me more chances than I can ask for, and the only thing left for me to do is wait until she decides to change her mind. Deep down, I am scared that she won’t.
Chapter Twenty-six
Kelsey
I have another doctor’s appointment today and I’m still a blubbering mess over running into Ethan. Seeing him at the café pulled every emotion I’ve worked hard to bury out into the open. I grab a Kleenex and gently try to fix my makeup, but the tears keep coming and ruin it. After giving up, I wander down the hall to the kitchen and find Sara sitting at the table in her pajamas with her computer in front of her. She looks up and frowns.
“Hey, how many times do I need to remind you that stress isn’t good for you or the baby?” she says softly as she gets up to give me a hug.
“It’s not like I’m trying to be stressed. I blame you this time for the whole lunch fiasco yesterday.” This causes her to smile and she sits back down, tucking one leg under the other.