I learned all this from Charlie.
The first few times we meditated together I interrupted to ask if I was doing it right. I didn't know how to meditate myself and wasn't allowed to look at Charlie doing it. Charlie said we had to keep our eyes closed during the meditation otherwise it wouldn't work. So the first few times I interrupted Charlie meditating was when he'd smack me and tell me to listen to the nothing and breathe.
That summer Charlie told me that for ages there was only the nothing and nothing else. In the beginning there was nothing and it was good. It was good like this a long time until the nothing was interrupted by the advent of animals and people.
What we think of the beginning was not the actual beginning Charlie said. We think of the beginning as the beginning of heaven and earth and the earth without form and void and darkness upon the face of the deep and then the light that was good and dividing the light from the darkness and then calling the light Day and the darkness Night. Then the firmament in the midst of the waters and this firmament became heaven and then came dry land Earth and this was good and then grass and seed and the fruit tree and lights from the firmament and all this happened by the fourth day and still there was still the nothing that was there before. Maybe it wasn't the same exact nothing as before but it was in the same family of nothing and very similar to what we recognize as the nothing of today. This all changed when the waters that brought forth the moving creature that hath life and once you have moving creatures that hath life you interrupt the nothing. Then the fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven which interrupted the nothing even more and all of this would've been fine had it not been for what came next. What came next was that they were to be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters of the seas and the earth and the sky forever drowning out the nothing that was there before. And still this would've been fine had it not been for the cattle and creeping thing and all beasts of the earth after their kind. All of this was supposed to be good but maybe some of it wasn't. And we can only know if something is good if we have something either bad or not quite as good to compare it to and before this there was only the nothing which went unrecognized and because of this was not considered either good or not good. Then man after the likeness and dominion over the fish of the sea and fowl of the air and over cattle and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth and then go fruitful and multiply and the nothing gone forever. Only here and there do we catch even a speck of the nothing and never as before the beginning of heaven and earth.
Charlie would tell me about this over and over and he would finish by saying pay heed to this my friend lest you draw his ire.
Mother called him a fanatic and me his accomplice.
This was one of those times when I didn't know what one word had to do with another.
This is why I have trouble when people say good morning or good evening. I don't understand why people use good morning or good evening to say the hello how are you instead of saying the hello how are you like everyone else.
So according to Charlie there was a beginning before the beginning and it was the nothing.
Charlie said this is another reason we meditate. We meditate to return to the nothing where we once belonged. He said that was God's plan.
The nothing lasted forever up to the point of the beginning. Forever is forever and cannot be measured in time Charlie said. Five minutes of forever is the same as eons.
For instance the nothing that came through the telephone last night lasted forever.
When you don't know the days of the week you don't know what month it is either and when you don't know what month it is you don't know when it's time to celebrate your birthday.
I don't know how many birthdays I've missed in here. What I do know is no one ever comes in here and says happy birthday to me. No one brings me a happy birthday cake with candles in it and sings the happy birthday song either. No one ever brings me a birthday gift which is why they sometimes remind me so much of Mother.
Sometimes if I'm doing especially well on the tests they bring me ice cream in a cardboard cup. The ice cream cup has a top with a lip to peel off if you want to eat the ice cream before it melts. The first time they brought it to me here I wasn't sure how to peel that lip off and this is what happened.
Whenever they bring me the ice cream I ask them is it my birthday today and what they say to that is how would we know Johnny.
This is when I tell them unless they bring me an air conditioner television and calendar I'm afraid I won't be able to help them much longer.
Then I say who the fuck is Johnny.
Should the phone ring I will say the hello how are you and listen to the words that come back. Sometimes the nothing comes back and it is good. When the nothing comes back I am only too happy to hear it. I listen to the nothing and am grateful there aren't words.
I could go the rest of my life without words and be fine.
The nothing through the telephone isn't the same as meditating. Even though I have plenty of time to do it I don't meditate anymore. It's not the same meditating without Charlie next to me on the living room couch.
Should the phone ring and it's nothing is when it might be Charlie on the other end. Only Charlie would hear the nothing and not interrupt it. I never interrupt it either. Even if I want to say is that you Charlie I don't.
I remember one time after we meditated together I asked Charlie about death about what happens to you when you die. I asked him if it was the same as nothing. Charlie said he didn't think it was nothing but also that he didn't like to think about it either. He said he would wake up screaming in the middle of the night because he dreamed he was dead. Charlie said he would wake up sweating and his heart would stop short and he'd find himself trying to crawl out the window. He said he couldn't breathe when he thought he was dead like this. I asked Charlie what was wrong with him and he said he didn't know. He made me promise not to tell Mother which I never did.
Charlie was afraid of what Mother would do to him is what I think.
Charlie said that death was either something or nothing and if it was nothing then there was nothing to fear because you shouldn't fear nothing and if it is something then it is just as likely to be something good as something bad. This is when I asked Charlie if that is like heaven and hell and he answered by going into his room and closing the door.
I never heard Charlie scream in the middle of the night which is why I think he was lying to me when he said that.
Charlie's room was on the other side of the house but I think I would've heard him screaming regardless.
The people who play games with me do it to see how I am doing. Sometimes they tell me I am doing fine and I tell them so are they.
What happens is the doctors in the white coats and clipboards come in and sit down next to me. They tell me we are going to examine you and I say why bother. Then one of them holds a pen with a light up and tells me to keep my eye on it as he moves it back and forth. Another one takes a hammer out and beats my knees with it. Then the first one has me rearrange shapes into a puzzle the way it is supposed to go. What he'll do is show me first and then I am supposed to do it the same exact way. The puzzle has circles and squares and different slots for them to fit into. This is when I tell them about Mother's pill circles and how that I always made them disappear and they tell me I should concentrate instead.
This is what they like to do with me here.
This is why they remind me of Mother and Charlie sometimes.
Here is a room with four walls and one window and almost nothing else. Yes I have a table and chairs but there is no television or air conditioner here. Yes I have a phone and it does ring sometimes but whose doesn't is what I have to say.