What I do sometimes is measure the room. How I do this is I lay down on the floor with my feet against the back wall. Then I mark in chalk where the top of my head is and I get up and lay down again and this time I put my feet where the chalk mark is. I can do this two and half times before I run out of room.
So the room is two and a half by two and a half which means I think it's a perfect square.
They let me have colored chalk in here and this is the kind of thing Mother would say I was lucky to have. She would say you don't know how lucky you are and I would tell her you're right I don't.
Should the phone ring it might be the person who called last night. I don't know this person but they acted otherwise with me. Why I think this is because right after I said the hello how are you this person told me a story and didn't stop until they were finished.
This wasn't the same one who mistook me for Charlie because not everyone does that. Sometimes people tell me stories like they are testing me. Sometimes these people are doctors and after the test I tell them the answer and they tell me I'm doing fine. These stories are like the riddles I would have Charlie answer though he never did.
It starts with the hello how are you and then the person on the other end who was probably a doctor says a man in a three-piece suit is on the beach and lying face down on a checkered blanket.
So I say okay there is a man a three-piece suit a beach and a checkered blanket.
The doctor says that's right and he has a towel draped over his head and is barefoot. There is a flesh colored band-aid affixed to the back of his left hand and it has been there for days. He cannot remember if he had applied the band-aid himself or if someone had done it for him.
I say good because I remember Mother applying the same kind of band-aid for me when I would cut myself open like the time I fell off the skateboard and hurt my knee. Charlie was pulling me along with the rope we'd tied around his waist and I had one hand holding that rope and the other holding the dog's leash. Everything was fine for a while and we were expecting to be done soon so I could give Charlie his breakfast of raw eggs and milk. Then Charlie must've forgotten he was pulling us along because he stopped short and what happened was the dog and I ran right into him and everyone crashed into each other and all over the street.
I said what the fuck did you stop short for Charlie.
I don't remember what Charlie said to that.
Then I said now we have to go home and who knows what Mother will say.
So all three of us limped home and my knee was bleeding and that's when Mother applied the band-aid for me.
First she asked us what we were doing out so early and we answered by keeping our heads down and bleeding all over the floor.
She said we weren't allowed to leave the house until further notice. She said to Charlie you are supposed to be the responsible one. She was beating him with a ladle when she said this.
Mother always had the ladle hanging up in the kitchen so it was never far away.
Mother didn't like it when she would beat Charlie with the ladle though.
She would say to him why do you make me do this to you.
Then the doctor says next to him on the blanket is a cooler filled with root beer and turkey sandwiches. There might also be an apple inside the cooler but the apple isn't important.
So I say to the doctor the apple is a trick question.
The doctor says not exactly but it's close.
I say please continue.
The doctor says next to the cooler is a naked woman. The woman is lying on her back and is using her left arm to shade her eyes. There are other men and women and children lying on blankets and sitting on chairs and playing in the sand. Some are splashing in the water others are tossing Frisbees at each other or flying kites.
This is when I think about the dog and how he could never catch a Frisbee himself. Charlie and I would take him out to the backyard and throw the Frisbee around but he could never catch it. What he'd do instead is chase after it and then decide why bother.
So because I think about the word Frisbee I'm not sure if I've missed part of the riddle.
Next I hear the doctor say these other people are wearing a variety of swimsuits and other beachwear. The day is glorious. The sky is blue and cloudless and has the big yellow sun right in the middle of it. The ocean is a mixture of foamy blues and greens. Maybe two hundred feet off shore dolphins are playing and teenagers on jet skis speed after them bouncing on the waves. The dolphins leap out of the water and twist in the air and when they do the people on the beach hoop and holler. Some take pictures and others mostly children imitate the dolphins' movements.
I say to the doctor this is a long riddle.
The doctor says you have to pay attention it's almost over.
Then he says now the man and the woman are not paying attention to the dolphins either.
I say who can blame them at this point.
The doctor says in his head the man is compiling a list of death euphemisms. So far he has passed away passed on expired bought the farm checked out cashed in headed for the happy hunting ground six feet under down for the dirt nap pushing up daisies. When he's finished he will move on to related circumlocutions starting with being under the weather and better the devil.
I say what the fuck kind of word is circumlocution.
The doctor says what did we say about the swearing.
I say I forgot.
The doctor says the other people walk to the water's edge for a closer look. They are careful not to disturb the man in his suit or the naked woman. They ask themselves and each other questions about the man and woman as they walk by them. They do this while keeping an eye out for the dolphins. This is when the woman flips over to sun the other side of herself. The backside is a shade lighter than the front side. The man stays face down on the blanket. Right now he is between one foot in the grave and he who hesitates. There is a collective gasp from the beachgoers as one dolphin executes an impressive midair maneuver and then disappears under the water. Finally the man says to the naked woman basically all I'm guilty of is and it ends with that's what I've been telling you she says before he can finish.
So I answer the man is Charlie the naked woman is Mother and I am the dolphins swimming in the ocean.
This is when the doctor tells me excellent I'm doing fine.
Except that Charlie and I never saw Mother naked and we never tried to either.
The naked woman was supposed to distract me from the answer I think. I think the doctor wanted me to think about the naked woman so I would want to be alone with myself instead of answering.
Mother never wanted us to see a naked woman herself. Whenever we would watch a movie together and it looked like the woman was about to be naked Mother would change the channel instead.
Sometimes she would turn the television off because of the filth. She would say television is filth and we shouldn't watch it all the time.
This is when Mother would find something nice on the radio for us to listen to. Sometimes it was a talk show and other times opera and always Charlie would get up to go to his room and leave me alone with Mother and the radio.
Should the phone ring what might come back is what radio people call dead air. Dead air is similar to nothing. In fact it is the same thing. Nothing is dead air the same way dead air is nothing.
Charlie and I would listen to Charlie's radio together whenever there wasn't any boxing or movies on. Whenever there was dead air we would look at each other like maybe something happened to Charlie's radio. We thought maybe Charlie's radio was broken. Then the radio people would say something about dead air and go on with the show.