Charlie had a big fancy radio in his room and I had only a small transistor for mine. This is because Charlie bought his radio himself and Mother couldn't afford to get me the same one. I asked her for one that Christmas and she told me she couldn't afford it because she was unemployed again. She said her boss wanted her to work late and she knew what that meant so she got herself fired instead. She said she was sorry and that maybe next year things would be different.
I can't remember if things were different next year but they probably weren't so why bother.
Charlie's radio had a dual cassette player and all kinds of buttons that did fancy things. It even came with a microphone so that we could make recordings. Charlie recorded most of my performances one summer and we gave it to Mother as a Christmas gift even though she probably didn't appreciate it.
I've never been on the radio myself but I've heard radio people talk about dead air plenty of times. Radio people hate dead air the way callers hate it when you pretend to be the person they intended to call.
I would listen to my transistor after Mother gave me my pills and I pretended to fall asleep so she'd go away. I kept it under my bed so she wouldn't find it. I think if I'd kept it under my head pillow she would've found it which is why I didn't keep it there. Why I think this is because of the way she tucked me in goodnight. She would fluff my head pillow for me before I got the chance to lay my head on it. So I kept the transistor under my bed and I listened to baseball games once Mother went away. There was never any boxing on so it was baseball games I had to listen to.
Mother would ask me why I needed so many pillows. She would say why do you need so many pillows like that. I would answer her by falling asleep as quickly as I could.
Radio people are in show business the same as actors. Mother wanted me to go into show business on account of my ear. She said my kind of talent was one in a million and who could argue.
I did try to act once in school but I was horrible at it. The teacher told me this herself. She said you are a horrible actor like that.
The trouble was she made me use my own voice instead of my ear.
This is when Mother sent me for singing lessons instead. I only had two because Mother got herself fired again and couldn't afford it anymore.
The singing teacher had me sing scales up and down and then she taught me vibrato. If my singing teacher taught me anything this is what she taught me.
There is no telling if Charlie Robertson is a good actor or not or if his teacher ever told him he was horrible. There is no telling if he's ever played an MP or security guard on stage even once in his career. That's because he's not real.
Charlie Robertson is not the same as my brother Charlie. How you can tell them apart is Charlie Robertson is the hypothetical actor I made up and Charlie is my real life brother.
I made up the hypothetical actor Charlie Robertson to piss Charlie off.
Charlie likes to think he is the only Charlie in the world.
What separates Charlie from other Charlies is he's left handed which is another reason he was a lousy boxer.
This is why Charlie could never remember to keep his left up because to him his left was his right and vice-versa.
When dead air happens it is important to keep it dead. One shouldn't speak to interrupt dead air. Once air is dead it should stay dead is another way of saying what I'm saying.
There is no saving dead air is another way.
Should the phone ring it might not be an actual person on the other end. It might be a military policeman or security guard. Everybody knows military policemen and security guards are not real people. They don't look real and they don't talk real. They are supposed to stand in their uniforms and look unreal and patrol for intruders. Only unreal people can do this. Only unreal people can become MPs and security guards.
The same goes for actors. Actors are likewise unreal.
Should the phone ring it might be a recording of an actual person. In some ways these people are professional actors playing the part of a salesperson. They pretend to be lifelike. They affect a voice that cannot be real and cannot be the voice they talk around with all day. People recognize this voice at once and when they do they roll their eyes. People sometimes let out a breath as if they've been jabbed in the stomach with a nightstick when they hear this voice.
Even if this voice is someone you know like your mother or brother you still don't want to hear this voice. Even if you know your mother or brother does this for a living and they rely on selling people things over the phone to keep themselves off the street you still don't want to hear this voice.
They use your name with this voice over and over like doctors in white coats do. Most often this person is trying to sell you something for your house. People without houses probably don't receive these calls or if they do they probably get upset when these calls come. These people are doubly bothered by these calls because they are reminded they are too poor to have their own house. They probably say how dare you offer me a free gizmo with my purchase in that ridiculous voice you're affecting at me right now.
This is how Mother would talk to these people on the phone. Mother would tell them how she gave birth to Charlie and me and that it tore her insides out. She'd say the three of us would be on the street soon because she was unemployed and the world was cruel and unusual. She'd say she was a good employee but her bosses wanted her to work overtime so she gets fired instead.
I am the same way when I get these calls. This is how you know Mother did give birth to me the way she said. Charlie used to say we were both adopted but Mother wouldn't adopt anyone she didn't give birth to and we all looked too much like each other to be adopted anyway. Charlie looked like Mother and I looked like Charlie.
Charlie would say this adoption talk to be funny which he almost never was.
I yell into the receiver forgetting there is no one on the other end listening. I yell into the receiver for a good minute or two before I realize this. I tell them I am the only one here and that Charlie has never been here and Mother neither. I tell them that Charlie hasn't been the same since the boxing and that he is a sad case.
Instead of hanging up then I tell them they should call Charlie themselves and see what Charlie has to say for himself. I tell them to give Charlie my regards.
The trouble is I feel like an idiot whenever this happens to me. I don't know why this happens but because it also happened to Mother is why I think it might be normal.
Mother would also get upset like this when she had jury duty.
I remember Mother got called for jury duty and had to miss work for two weeks and this was another time she got herself fired.
I asked Mother why she got called for jury duty.
Mother said she didn't know.
I asked her if it was going to be a hung jury and she had me read the dictionary instead of answering.
This time it was Fs and I memorized frigid and fringe and fritter and frivolous which means beside the point which is what I always told Mother reading the dictionary was like.
This is when I most want to pretend like I am an actor playing a military policeman or security guard because actors who play MPs or security guards never yell into a telephone and feel like idiots. Actors and MPs and security guards know better. They know better because they are better.
If I was better I wouldn't be here.
If I was better I'd be somewhere acting on a stage as an MP or security guard and after the performance everyone would clap and say doesn't he have a great ear.