This is why I think Mother was afraid I would get hurt and die. If the phone could do this to me imagine what Charlie could do inside a boxing ring.
I usually don't even hear the second and third rings because I am trying get my heartbeat back and catch my breath. The trouble is I hyperventilate when my heart stops short and when I hyperventilate I fall down. I'm not sure if this happens to other people but it has always happened to me this way. By the fifth ring I am back to normal unless the call comes in the middle of the night and then it takes until the seventh ring for normal to happen.
Otherwise it is after the fifth ring when I wonder who might be calling and why.
Sometimes it is a bullfight with myself whether to answer or not.
When that eighth ring finishes ringing and the machine picks up I walk around the room like I'm a matador and the phone is the dying bull. Another way to look at it is I am playing Charlie and the phone is me on the canvas. It is probably better to think of it this way because I raise my hands over my head and dance around the ring like Charlie used to do whenever he knocked me out. Charlie didn't win too many fights so whenever he did he made sure to enjoy it.
I've never seen an actual bullfight so I have no idea what the matador does after he stabs the bull to death. I don't think matadors dance around with their arms over their heads.
If you are not patient and cannot wait for the eight rings then please don't call me is what I'm saying.
Every time Charlie knocked me out I would make him beg forgiveness. I would make him get on his hands and knees. I would say to him what the fuck did you knock me out like that for Charlie.
Should the phone ring I will not say the hello how are you but will instead say from what area are you calling me from. I've decided I will not accept calls from certain areas.
The machine itself was a gift from Mother. I can't remember if it was a birthday gift or a Christmas gift but right after she gave it to me she said we all have to make sacrifices.
We would hold hands and sacrifice ourselves every night before dinner.
This is something Charlie would have us do sometimes. Except with him we would hold hands around the dinner table while Charlie the fanatic prayed for everyone.
The trouble was Charlie didn't pray out loud so I never knew what he was praying for. I figured he was praying for our sandwiches and coleslaw and so that he might be a better boxer and Mother wouldn't get fired from her next job and finally that I wouldn't get hurt and die this way he wouldn't be responsible.
Mother and I would look at each other while Charlie prayed like this and it was like we were both saying to each other what the fuck is wrong with Charlie.
For two whole summers Charlie was a fanatic like this. He would stay in his room to read what he called the word of God. We didn't watch television or box or do anything we normally did all the time. Charlie said we had to repent ourselves if we wanted salvation.
Charlie said he was born again and here was another two words I had trouble with.
This is when Mother sent Charlie away to camp for the first time.
Alabama Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming Asia Africa South America Antarctica Europe Australia are the areas I will not accept calls from.
Charlie and I would watch movies on bullfighters whenever there weren't any boxing movies. Usually there was a pretty girl the bullfighter was in love with. She was a peasant girl from a fishing village with fire red hair and flowing skirts and she would dance every night for the vatos at the cantina. The trouble was always the peasant girl's fisherman father. He never trusted the bullfighter and who could blame him. Charlie would have me do a bullfighter in love with a pretty peasant girl as one of my many performances.
I lahve you Maria Conchita Daniela Esposa. My blahd burns for you mi amore. I will kill this bull for you I will stab this bull many times so you will know how much I lahve you.
Charlie was on the floor whenever I did this for him.
I always used extra vibrato when I said I lahve you Maria Conchita Daniela Esposa like that.
I will only accept calls from Alaska from now on. This is because Alaska is where Charlie and I grew up and where Mother gave birth to us.
Should the phone ring I will keep tracing my hands on the walls instead of answering.
This morning I traced my left hand all over the wall opposite the table and chairs. I started tracing right after they brought me my pills.
The doctor said how are we this morning Johnny.
I said we're fine Johnny which means please stop talking.
Then the doctor said what are we going to do today Johnny.
I said we might trace our hands all over the walls in blue chalk Johnny.
The doctor said that sounds great Johnny we're doing fine here.
So now there are blue hands pointing up and down and in all directions in here. There are blue hands traced palm down and others traced palm up and I won't stop tracing blue hands until I fall over from glee.
I have hands with fingers spread out wide and hands with every combination of fingers spread out at different angles. Some of these hands look like the boy-scout salute and others like the A-OK signal.
Charlie was in the boy scouts for two whole summers until they kicked him out of it. What happened was he set some other boy scout's tent on fire when he was supposed to be pitching his own tent instead.
Mother gave Charlie hell for this and it was my job to make sure I didn't encourage him. She would say Charlie is punished until further notice and don't you encourage him like that.
I never encouraged Charlie to set anything on fire I don't think.
Even if Charlie was here right now I wouldn't encourage him to set here on fire.
I have two blue hands in here giving each other the finger. I put these hands in opposite corners so that they are facing each other. One of these has an extra long middle finger so if this was a contest you'd say he was the clear winner.
Why I did it this way is because Charlie's hands were always so much bigger than mine. We used to hold our hands up to each other and he'd laugh at me. Charlie said I had the hands of a little girl and this is when I'd give him the finger.
So there we were giving each other the finger in the living room and Mother would say what the fuck is wrong with you two.
Sometimes I remember Mother with a drink of Scotch whisky in her hands and a cigarette burning between her lips.
I think Mother was a heavy smoker and drinker but not always. I think Charlie and I told her she couldn't smoke in the house anymore and what she said back was whose house do you think this is.
Even so I think Mother quit her smoking and drinking because I don't always remember her smoking and drinking all the time.
For instance whenever she came in to give me my pills at night she never smoked or drank.
She didn't smoke or drink when she was making us sandwiches and coleslaw either.
There are some hands traced in fists too though these don't look much like hands to me.
I wanted to draw two hands in a handshake but I don't know how to draw that so I tried to draw two hands locked in an arm wrestle like how Charlie and I used to arm wrestle each other at the kitchen table.