This is why we all should thank God for answering machines. We should thank God for inventing answering machines and allowing us to have them in our homes.
God created answering machines the same way he created Alaska the same way he created dogs so that we as people wouldn't have to do it ourselves. We as people don't have the time to come up with something like an answering machine the same as Alaska.
I like it when the phone keeps ringing and you hope the answering machine answers and you say to yourself please don't pick up the phone please don't pick up the phone and machine finally answers and you know it is the machine by the way the machine pauses before saying thank you for calling I am not home right now I have a headache but if you leave your name and number I might call you back soon.
Should the phone ring I will ask the caller to identify themselves before I say the hello how are you. The machine can also do this but not with the same authority. This is not the machine's fault. The machine was not programmed to have this kind of authority. God knows if the machine has this kind of authority there would be even more trouble than there already is.
Otherwise the machine is perfect and can do no wrong.
Should the phone ring I will say please identify yourself like that. I will try to sound like a military policeman or security guard when I say please identify yourself because MPs and security guards speak with authority. I will say this right after I pick up the phone. I will not say who is calling please because I do not like the way that sounds. Another reason I will not say who is calling please is because a military policeman or security guard would never say who is calling please. Only people who are not military policemen or security guards would say something like this. How I present myself on the phone is important and saying something like who is calling please is not what I want to do with myself.
When I have a headache it is hard for me to say please identify yourself the way a military policeman or security guard would.
It is hard for me to sleep here too which is why I almost always have a headache now.
I have not always wanted to sound like a military policeman or security guard. There were times I wanted to sound like a boxing trainer. I'm not sure why I would've wanted to sound like a boxing trainer other than to say I used to watch boxing on the television. I liked it how the fat trainers would stand outside the ropes and yell and scream at the boxer inside the ring. I liked it how they had a towel draped over their shoulder and would curse the referee.
I've never boxed myself because it was too rough. I might get hurt. It was important when I was growing up that I not get hurt.
Charlie and I would watch the boxing on television together Friday nights. Mother would be out of the house doing God knows what those Friday nights we watched boxing.
Sometimes she would bring us home a dinner of sandwiches and coleslaw and whenever she did this we thanked her by eating all of it and not looking up.
MPs and security guards get hurt sometimes but for them it is probably okay. For them it is part of the job. Only MPs and security guards can have a headache and be fine at the same time.
I don't think I've ever known an MP or security guard but I have seen them on the TV. They are always handsome in their uniforms. Almost anyone is handsome in a uniform MPs and security guards especially.
For me it is not okay to get hurt. I think if I were to get hurt I might die. No one ever said this to me out loud but I remember hearing Charlie and Mother talking about it. I was in my room and Charlie and Mother were in the kitchen talking about how I could die if I got hurt. They didn't say why I would die if I got hurt but Mother seemed especially concerned this would happen. The way she sounded it sounded like I could get hurt and die from eating an ice cream cone.
I never asked Charlie or Mother why I would die if I got hurt because I don't think I was supposed to know. I think it was a secret between Charlie and Mother.
Mother gave birth to Charlie and me and she would tell us this every few days.
I think she thought we would forget if she didn't remind us.
She would say I gave birth to you like that. Usually she would point at the two of us and move her finger back and forth when she said I gave birth to you. Charlie and I would agree with her by nodding and looking at the floor.
This was probably the first time I couldn't understand what words had to do with each other.
I could understand when Mother gave us a sandwich and coleslaw or gave me my pills because she made the sandwich and coleslaw herself or took the pills out of the box and made a pill circle or square for me.
Mother said she went through hell to give birth to us. She said she was in labor for two days each time. She said it tore her insides out and that she was in horrible agony the whole time.
What I remember was that it only took her a few minutes to make me a sandwich or give me my pills. This is why I think she was exaggerating about giving birth to us like that.
This is also why whenever she said happy birthday to us I didn't believe her.
I only heard Charlie and Mother talking about me getting hurt and dying that one time. I was sure they'd talked about it other times but not with me there to overhear them.
Charlie himself was allowed to get hurt but Mother made Charlie promise to make sure I didn't. She told him he was responsible and that I was his responsibility.
So far I have lived a whole life without getting hurt and then dying.
This is where I should probably say thank you Charlie but why bother.
Uniforms are always good and I have always enjoyed wearing uniforms whenever I was allowed to wear one. I got to wear a baseball uniform one summer because they let me join the team. I think I wanted to join the football team but I was told it was too rough which meant I might get hurt and die. I never saw anyone get hurt and die playing football. I saw players get hurt and carted off the field but none of them ever died I don't think.
Why uniforms are good is this way you don't have to worry about what to wear yourself. For instance I like it now that I have a uniform and don't have to worry about what to wear every day. One less thing to worry about is something I've heard all kinds of people say.
The uniform I wear now is comfortable but not as handsome as my old baseball uniform. My old baseball uniform was made from a fabric they call polyester. Polyester is the best fabric to make uniforms out of.
The uniform I wear now is made from cotton which is not nearly as good to make uniforms out of as polyester is.
Polyester is one of the great words and I never have any trouble with it.
The only trouble with this uniform is I sweat too much in it. Everyday I sweat right through the uniform and they have to bring me a fresh one. I always sweat too much and when I sweat too much I chafe and when I chafe the insides of my thighs are rubbed raw.
I tell them it's hard for me to walk around like this which is why they give me powder sometimes. They don't give me powder like Mother did because Mother knew how much I chafed too.
It is hard to say which is better uniforms or answering machines.
No one looks as handsome in a uniform as a military policeman or security guard. Baseball players don't even compare to MPs or security guards.
The people who bring me powder are the same ones who bring the uniforms. I can't tell how many uniforms they have for me. Every three or four days they take my uniform and give me a different one. This different uniform looks exactly like the other one so they're not as different as you'd think. They are the same uniform only different versions.
Maybe there's a better way to say this but here is the trouble with words.
I think they're washing one while I'm wearing the other is what I want to say. I think it takes three or four days for them to wash uniforms here.