Regardless of how long it'd been I always recognized Charlie the minute he'd walk through the door. I always knew Charlie by how tall he was and by the blonde hair on his head. He'd come through the door and say hello to me and Mother and then the three of us would sit on the sofa and eat dinner together and watch the television. Mother would say how much taller he'd grown over the summer and then Charlie and me would sing songs during the commercials.
Another thing is they won't give me a television to watch in here. When I ask them about it they tell me they are tired of making sacrifices.
If I had a television to watch I'm certain I would get better right away. I'm certain it's the lack of television is what's wrong with me here. If I had one I would watch boxing and baseball and movies like Charlie and I used to do by ourselves.
I am probably the best in all of downstate Alaska at watching television.
Charlie and I would have contests to see who was better. The rules were you had to watch the television without getting up from the couch. You couldn't go to the kitchen for sandwiches and coleslaw and you couldn't go to the bathroom either.
My record was over nine hours which Charlie could never come close to. Charlie would get impatient and leave himself open like always.
Yesterday I drew a tic-tac-toe board on the wall and challenged the doctor to a game. I said whoever wins gets his own air conditioner.
I said I will even let you be X okay.
Should the phone ring I will say the hello how are you and listen to the words that come back if there are words or I will listen to the nothing that comes back if there is nothing but what I won't do is sound like an MP or security guard anymore. I have had it with security guards and MPs. They are never outside my door patrolling up and down for intruders especially when you need them.
Sometimes I measure myself against a wall like Mother did with Charlie and me when we were kids. Every year Mother would have us stand with our backs to her closet wall and she would mark in chalk how tall we were. She'd mark Charlie in blue chalk and me in yellow and that's how you could tell us apart.
Charlie was always taller because he was older and not sickly.
So here in this room I am not getting any taller which doesn't surprise me.
I have always been too short for my own good.
It was always hard for me during our television watching contests because I always had to go to the bathroom too much. It's the same way here.
I can never spend the whole day drawing like I want to because I always have to interrupt myself to go to the bathroom. What happens is I knock twice on the window and this way they know to come in here and escort me to the bathroom.
They lead me down a dark corridor and into the bathroom and they wait outside the door for me just like Mother. Sometimes they even say are you okay in there and I tell them I'm busy I'll have to call them back.
They like it when I draw on the walls here. They like the hands especially and how I know this is they never come in here to stop me when I'm drawing.
The only time I tried meditating in here they came in to stop me which proves another point about these people.
What happened was after they brought me my morning pills I made my bed right after taking them. Usually I pick up a piece of chalk and start to draw after taking my pills so they must've known something was wrong.
My last drawing had a mother stick figure losing her job because her stick boss was cruel and unusual. How I drew this was I had the stick boss showing his stick situation to the mother stick figure and he says what do you think about this.
What I never do is make my bed in the morning because why bother and also I was never any good at making beds. Mother taught us how to make our own beds and this was probably the only thing Charlie was better at than me.
I had trouble lining up the sheets so that they weren't hanging over the sides and falling onto the floor. Charlie never had this problem himself but he had his own share of problems because after all this is Charlie we're talking about.
So I made my bed the best I could and yes the sheets were uneven but at least I tried. What I did next was sit on the bed like I used to on our living room sofa with Charlie whenever we meditated. I sat up straight exactly like Charlie taught me and closed my eyes and listened to the nothing.
I decided I was going to do this until I fell over from hunger or exhaustion or whatever it was that would make me fall over.
I had my eyes closed and listened to the nothing forever that morning and right in the middle of it is when they came in here and stopped me.
How they did this was four of them came in here and picked me up off the bed and sat me down in a chair. Then the doctor came in afterwards and asked me what I was doing and I said to him I was meditating so what's wrong with that.
He said we don't want you doing that here Johnny and he gave me another pill and the four who picked me up before picked me up again and put me back in bed and tucked me in goodnight.
Should the phone ring it might be camp on the other end. I will say hello camp how are you. Camp will ask to speak to Mother and I will ask to speak to Charlie. I will say what have you done with Charlie camp and why isn't he getting better. Camp will say put your Mother on the phone and I will tell camp to go fuck itself instead.
The bathroom here is nothing like the bathroom we had at home with Mother.
This bathroom has white tile and white walls and no shower inside it. There is a urinal and toilet and two sinks with hot and cold running water except it takes forever for the hot water to get hot.
We never had this problem at home and we had a shower and bathtub too.
How I take a shower here is they come in and give me a sponge bath instead. What happens is two of them hold me down and another one runs a sponge over my body. I tell them this is cruel and unusual which is probably why they seem to enjoy it.
They do this to me once a month.
I don't have a calendar or clock in here so I don't actually know how often they sponge me down.
They never do it how Mother used to when I was sick with fever. Whenever I was sick with fever Mother would sponge my head and chest to cool me off.
She never ran the sponge over my situation which is what they do here whenever they give me a sponge bath. I tell them have you no shame whenever they do this.
Whenever Charlie was away camp is where Mother said he was though I'm not sure it's true. I think Mother said Charlie was at camp to make me jealous. Otherwise she said it so I would behave more like Charlie myself. She used to say why can't you be more like your brother Charlie. I forget what I was doing when she would say this.
I was probably holding my situation to show her the chafed parts if I had to guess.
I think if I behaved more like Charlie then I too would be sent away to camp.
Meaning also that if I didn't chafe like Charlie and if camp was actually where Charlie was in the first place.
Also Mother didn't like it how allergic I was to the food she cooked for us. This is one of the reasons I was sickly growing up.
Charlie said he wore a special kind of cotton uniform at camp. He said they made everyone wear one whether they wanted to or not because they were all part of a team now. Charlie didn't like teams which is why he always meditated and boxed instead.
For instance Charlie only joined the baseball team that one summer. He said there wasn't enough violence in baseball and he didn't like having coaches and teammates.
Like me Charlie wasn't a good second basemen. Charlie wasn't afraid of the ball killing him like I was but you wouldn't know that from the way he played. It was like he was trying to field a live grenade half the time.