When I talk with him like this in my head I never stop so I can answer the phone. I almost never remember to check for messages either.
Sometimes if it is a wrong number I pretend I am the person the caller intended to call. In other words I pretend to be an actor like the hypothetical Charlie Robertson playing summer stock in upstate Alaska somewhere.
After I answer they will say something like Hey Gracie it's Maggie calling and I'll say Hello Maggie how are you. Then I will ask about the kids and work because most people named Maggie have both kids and work. Sometimes they realize I'm not Gracie and when this happens I will ask if they are Gracie themselves. This is when I ask to speak to Gracie. I say Maggie put Gracie on the phone. I say what have you done to Gracie Maggie. This is when they usually hang up if I haven't done so first.
Should the phone ring I might answer it after the third ring. When I answer it after the first ring people wonder why I answered so quickly. They wonder if I was waiting for the phone to ring. They wonder if I was standing right next to the phone waiting for it to ring.
It is always a question of which ring to answer the phone after. Each ring means something different so you have to know beforehand who is calling.
If you pick up on the first ring it means you were standing right next to the phone hoping it would ring. You were saying please ring to the phone please ring right now please.
If you pick up on the second ring you probably don't want the caller to think this so you wait for the phone to ring a second time before answering. Waiting for the second ring almost never fools the caller because they know you were right there waiting for the phone to ring.
If you answer after the third ring this means you were somewhere else when the phone rang otherwise you were in the middle of a conversation with yourself and didn't want to interrupt by answering.
Four or five or six rings means it's a bullfight with yourself whether to answer and maybe you win this time and maybe you don't. Either way you dance around the room like the phone is Charlie on the canvas after you knocked him out with your own dangerous combination.
Otherwise they think maybe you don't want to talk that you didn't sleep last night and have a headache. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to talk or not sleeping last night or a headache.
Should the phone ring I will ask why it is I can't dial out anymore. Every time I pick up the phone to call someone now I never get to anymore. What happens is I pick up the phone and listen to the dial tone which is always there. Then I push the seven magic digits in the proper order and I wait to hear the ring on the other end which never happens anymore. The only thing I hear is the dial tone still. So should the phone ring this next time I will ask how come.
Should the phone ring I will answer it after the fifth ring and will say thank you for calling Charlie's take out service. I will ask the caller if they want a sandwich or coleslaw and then I will ask how they intend to pay for it.
Should the phone ring I will complain about the air conditioning. I will say what is wrong with the air conditioning. I will tell the person on the other end that I am sweating and when I sweat I chafe and when I chafe the insides of my thighs are rubbed raw. I will say I cannot walk myself around anymore. I will say I cannot walk myself over to the phone anymore so there's no point in trying to call.
Should the phone ring I will answer it and ask to speak to Charlie. I haven't spoken to Charlie for so long now.
Should the phone ring I will continue doing what it is I'm doing. What I'm doing now is masturbating. I have been masturbating since early this morning. Sometimes I masturbate because there's nothing else to do here. If they gave me a television to watch I'd watch it and maybe then I could stop masturbating all the time. I think they want me to keep masturbating which is why they don't give me a television to watch. I think they watch me to see how many times I can masturbate. I think I am their television is another way of saying it.
There is probably a sofa on the other side of the window and they are watching me from this sofa and compiling data. I think I am part of a study about the relationship between masturbation and the lack of television. It may or may not have something to do with the phone always ringing too. Maybe they think the sound of the phone ringing makes me want to masturbate. I don't think this is true but maybe they think so anyway.
These doctors in their white coats and clipboards are not smart people. You can tell by how they mumble like Mother gave them too many pills. You can also tell how they're not good at helping people get better. Charlie's camp counselors were the same way and it was a tragedy what happened there.
Charlie was away at camp for two whole summers and always said he was getting better when we spoke on the phone but the truth was he never did.
I could tell the minute he walked through the door he wasn't any better.
Mother could tell too which is why she sat us down at the kitchen table that one time and asked what do we want to do with our lives. Charlie said it was either boxer or priest and I said as long as they have air conditioning I'll do anything.
Then we asked is that right Mother.
Mother said whatever you do don't become doctors in white coats and clipboards or camp counselors and everything will be fine.
Sometimes when I masturbate I do it because I am pretending to be Charlie at camp whenever he got worked up and would go off somewhere to do what felt good.
Last night when the phone rang it was words again. I said the hello how are you like I'm supposed to and all of a sudden they tell me this ugly story I never heard before.
This one wasn't a bullfight so I didn't dance around like Charlie before I answered. I say the hello how are you and right away comes the people on this train are an ugly story.
I tell them I don't want to hear it this time Johnny.
They say it isn't up to you so shut the fuck up and listen.
I say fine then.
They say they all of them have ugly faces and hair and ugly shoes and feet and makeup and they read ugly books and they listen to ugly music on ugly headphones.
I say they probably come from ugly people who come from ugly people who came from an ugly place.
They say whether or not the people on this train are ugly of character is immaterial. What these people do to each other or to other people elsewhere doesn't concern us. Of the two physical ugliness is more objectionable but we do not say this out loud.
I say how could you Johnny.
They say when we look at each other we say with our eyes there is no faking this kind of ugly.
I say do you think Charlie is ugly.
They say I'm not talking about Charlie.
I say that's your problem right there.
They say we're not finished with the story Johnny.
They say what's worse or funny or some queer combination of the two is that when all the ugly people get off at this stop or that one even uglier people take their places. It seems like a mathematical or physiological impossibility.
I say both Charlie and I weren't good at math so we can't help you with that one.
They say we don't need help.
I say that's what you think Johnny.
They say it seems like something that happens to you when you're dead and you've done ugly things during an ugly life.
I say how could you again.
They say the people on this train are all manners of ugly.
I say how many of them exactly.