They say it would not serve to describe the ugliness in detail. We know from ugly.
I say the doctors in their white coats and clipboards are ugly too.
They say other than the pervasive ugliness there is nothing noteworthy about this train ride. When our stop comes we get off the ugly train to hurry homeward and we don't look at the people who rush past to take our places.
This is when I said who is calling please and then I cursed myself for saying it that way because who is calling please is not what I want to do with myself on the phone.
So right after I said who is calling please I said shut the fuck up Johnny like an MP or security guard would if they made the mistake of saying who is calling please themselves.
The persons on the other end took a breath like Charlie had jabbed them in the stomach and this is when I hung up in their faces.
Right afterwards I masturbated myself to calm down. I always masturbate to calm myself down and this was no exception.
Maybe I have been wired to want to masturbate whenever the phone rings. When I frisk myself I don't find any wires but maybe they put the wires on the inside. I frisk myself to warm up before masturbating and have never found any wires is how I know this.
Sometimes when I frisk myself I pretend I am a foreign agent spying on Alaska and Charlie is the one who caught me. So it's Charlie who frisks me when I pretend this and he arrests me and throws me in the cooler. This is when I bang on the door and say Charlie let me out I'll talk. I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Ordinarily it's only name rank and serial number but this time it'll be different. I tell Charlie through the door that I will tell them everything. Names dates bank account records the names of my superiors and a list of contacts inside Alaska.
Mother gave birth to Charlie and me in Injury Alaska.
Alaska the motherland Alaska the beautiful is what Charlie and I call it to this day.
The reason there might be wires inside me is I hear a high-pitched tone in my head and it never turns off. This tone sounds like the way old televisions used to squeak until you punched the top of them.
We had a television that would make this sound and Charlie and I would take turns punching the top of it. We would be on our sofa eating the dinner of sandwiches and coleslaw Mother brought home from the store and watching the television. We'd watch black and white movies or boxing matches on Friday nights. Otherwise Mother would pick out what we would watch because it was educational. She made us watch a bunch of movies about an African guinea man who got his foot chopped off next to a tree because it was educational. For two weeks I ran around the house saying kamby bolongo mean river until mother threatened me with the ladle.
We would sing songs for her during the commercials because Mother liked it when we'd sing. Sometimes the songs were the actual commercial jingles and other times it was our own songs. Sometimes she would make us dance too because I was light on my feet. We'd both dance jigs while we made up our own songs to sing and almost always it was about the kamby bolongo and I was always the better singer which made Charlie jealous. He'd punch me in the stomach so I would stop singing and dancing better than him. This is when Charlie was more like Charlie used to be than he is now. Back when we were eating sandwiches and coleslaw and singing our songs while watching and punching the television and each other's stomachs to stop the noise.
I didn't used to hear this noise which is why I think it's possible there's wires in my head now. When I ask them about the wires they tell me to calm myself down.
In this case I don't think they mean I should masturbate but you can't always tell with them.
This noise in my head is like a horrible dial tone from a horrible phone that never shuts off. You can't dial out and there's no way to hook up an answering machine to it either.
I don't tell the doctors about the noise in my head because I think they're the ones responsible. I think if I told them about the noise they would say what noise we don't hear any noise.
The noise in my head is like the worst soprano singing the worst aria ever written. There is no vibrato and she can only sing that one high note and hold it until both of our heads come off our shoulders.
I can masturbate and masturbate and still this tone all the time.
Maybe they think the opposite that the sound of the phone ringing will make me stop masturbating. There is no telling what they want with me here. I will not stop masturbating to answer the phone. If they ask me this I will tell them otherwise they will have to learn it for themselves. Every time I stop masturbating to answer the phone I cannot concentrate on the words coming from the person on the other end and it is awkward. I don't like it when the hello how are you is awkward. This is most true if it is Mother on the other end.
Sometimes it was awkward when Mother applied the powder to the chafed parts. I would try to keep my situation out of the way but sometimes it didn't work.
Sometimes my situation would fall out in front of everyone.
Mother said what did we say about this young man.
I said I know Mother.
Mother said I think it's time you applied your own powder.
I said maybe it's time we got an air conditioner instead.
When I ask them why I can't dial out anymore they tell me to calm down or they tell me I'm doing fine. This is what they always tell me so I have to believe them.
Now that I think of it I think I was born with a headache. If I said otherwise I was mistaken and for that I'm sorry. I was probably given too many pills that day.
I think I remember now that I was born in the middle of a horrible fucking headache because of Mother.
Why I had this headache is I got stuck in Mother's tubes on the way out. This is why she always said what she said about giving birth to us.
Mother said the doctor had to go in with pliers to get me out. She said they had to clamp the pliers hard around my head and crushed my skull in the process.
She said she knew I was rotten from that very moment.
I said how was it my fault Mother.
She said it sure as hell wasn't mine.
I said how do you know.
She said the doctor said so.
I said since when do we believe what the doctors tell us.
She said the doctor said you had a bucket head and would never make yourself useful.
I said how could I do that Mother.
Then I said what about Charlie Mother how was he born.
She said at least Charlie had the sense not to have a bucket head and get stuck.
She said I should've had my tubes tied in the first place.
So it turns out I should've been more like Charlie even before I was born.
Or at least while I was getting myself born to the world through Mother's skinny tubes.
Why I have headaches all the time is the doctors crushed my skull the day I was born like the awful bastards they truly are.
I had to wear a special helmet whenever I left the house. I would be halfway out the door and Mother would scream from the kitchen to go get your fucking helmet.
Mother was afraid I'd hurt my head and die and who could blame her really.
For instance they made me wear a helmet when I played baseball that one year. Although I only got to play a few innings at second base and the rest of the time I was on the bench keeping score.
I was like an idiot out there at second base with a helmet on.
I also wore the helmet whenever Charlie and I went jogging with the dog. Here it was Charlie pulling us along and I was the idiot with the helmet on and that's how people could tell us apart.
Also Charlie was older and responsible and sometimes he had a crew-cut because he thought it made him look tough. Whenever he came home from camp he'd have a crew-cut and Mother would tell him he looked ridiculous like that.