I wore uniform number 31 that season because I was born on the 31st and the doctors needed 31 stitches for my skull after they crushed it. All the other players wore numbers 1-12 and I'd thought they wouldn't let me play because of my number. I thought maybe they didn't like it.
Then I remembered it was because I might get hurt and die if they let me play so it was good strategy on their part.
The truth was I wasn't a good second basemen regardless. I had trouble fielding grounders because I was afraid the ball would take a bad hop and kill me. I think all the talk about me getting hurt and dying turned me into a bad second basemen. I think I would've been a good one otherwise.
Charlie and I were the two worst second basemen to ever play second base.
The people of Injury Alaska gather every night at the kamby bolongo and await my return. They sing songs for me and bang on their drums a message for all to hear.
The message is return to the kamby bolongo o favorite son of Injury.
Should the phone ring it might be the caller who is trying to make me a millionaire. He doesn't say how he will make me a millionaire only that I should trust him and that if I sign up we can begin immediately. I tell him this sounds good to me so when can we start.
Should the phone ring it might be the caller who said I want to make love with a beautiful woman.
I said I think you have the wrong number myself.
Then the caller said not so much with her but to her at her in her general direction.
So I said in her vicinity.
The caller said that's a great idea and then hung up in my face.
Should this caller call back I will ask how it went and for every possible detail.
If the people of Injury knew I was here they would storm the gates and set me free. They would slay the MPs and security guards patrolling up and down for intruders and then they would murder the doctors in their white coats and clipboards.
Afterward they would carry me home on their shoulders and lay me down on the banks of the kamby bolongo. There I would bathe myself and enjoy a lavish homecoming with singing and dancing and sandwiches and coleslaw.
In the kamby bolongo I would soothe the chafed parts especially.
Mother taught us how to play tic-tac-toe at the kitchen table so we wouldn't bother her when she was eating. Mother liked it quiet when she was eating. She said she had a long day at work fending off her cruel and unusual boss who was a pervert. She said he showed her his situation right there in the middle of the office. She said he said what do you think about this and Mother said I think I'm fired again.
She said she couldn't stand the sight of his situation and this is why she wanted us quiet like that.
So what would happen at the table is Charlie and I would play tic-tac-toe without saying a word to each other about it. Since we weren't allowed to sit next to each other it wasn't easy to play but that didn't matter apparently. What we'd do is pass a notebook and pen back and forth the same as we would the sandwiches and coleslaw.
Mother would eat her sandwich and coleslaw and think about her day.
How we knew Mother was thinking about her day is I asked her once. I said what are you doing Mother and this is when she said I am thinking about my day. The way she said it was please stop talking and play your stupid fucking tic-tac-toe game.
Charlie and I never liked playing tic-tac-toe but we played anyway because why bother.
Should the phone ring I will rip the phone out of the wall this time. I will throw the phone on the floor and dance a jig all over it. I will dance and dance until one of them comes in here and makes me stop.
Sometimes when they don't like what I'm doing they come in here and make me stop. They never do this when I'm masturbating which is why I think they like it when I masturbate. Another reason I think they like it when I masturbate is they bring me baby oil to masturbate with. They do this so I won't chafe is what I think. I think if I were to chafe there it would undermine their experiments and then they won't get to come in here and make me stop whatever it is they don't want me to do.
How they make me stop is two of them will grab my arms and another two will grab my legs and the four of them will hold me aloft like I am on the rack. This is what it must feel like to be drawn and quartered is what I tell them but they always tell me to be quiet. Then I tell the two who grab my legs not to touch the part that's chafed. The insides of my thighs are rubbed raw because I sweat a lot and when I sweat too much I chafe. It is hard for me to walk myself around when this happens.
The reason I sweat too much is because of the air conditioning. I always tell the doctor who explains what I can and cannot do about the air conditioning but it never changes in here. The good thing is the men who hold my legs almost always remember not to touch the chafed parts. They might have to touch them in the initial struggle but they will not maintain a grip there. They will hold me like this until I calm down. I usually get upset for a while when they hold me like this. They tell me not to struggle but I forget sometimes and struggle anyway.
I also get upset with the phone sometimes. Always with the ringing and the dial tone but not being able to dial out and the words and the hello how are you and I'm fine I have a headache today I'm busy I have to go now I have something on the stove can I call you back I will leave you a message.
I love air conditioning the same way I love answering machines and uniforms. As long as we have these three things in the world everything is fine.
God was a genius the day he invented air conditioning.
It was very hot that day and God was sweating. Why it was hot is because a fire kindled in his anger and it would burn unto the lowest hell and shall consume the earth with her increase and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.
I don't know why God was angry that day but it could've been because of Charlie. Charlie always made Mother angry so why would God be any different. Mother would catch Charlie doing something she didn't like like pummeling me against her stole ropes or punching me in the stomach because I was always the better singer and she would say to Charlie goddamned you Charlie and maybe God himself heard that and did what Mother said.
So when God said he would heap mischiefs upon them and spend his arrows upon them he probably meant Charlie more than anyone else. So when he said they shall be burnt with hunger and devoured with burning heat and bitter destruction what he meant was Charlie shall be burnt with hunger and devoured with burning heat and bitter destruction.
I saw this after I'd give Charlie his breakfast drink of raw eggs and milk. He would come out of the bathroom after throwing up and say to me I'm starving hungry and need sandwiches and coleslaw and this is when I'd tell him that he was in training. He would say but I'm sick and I would press my hand to his forehead and sure enough he was burning with fever.
So when God got angry at Charlie and the fire kindled in his anger he did what he did with the burning heat and destruction and then said to Charlie look at what you made me do Charlie.
Charlie probably had that stupid look on his face like after I'd knock him out with a dangerous combination.
This is why God had to invent air conditioning it was because of Charlie.
Charlie the brilliant bastard responsible like always.
Sometimes Charlie and I would sit in the living room and sweat instead of meditating. This is because it was too hot to do anything else and still Mother wouldn't get us an air conditioner.
When she came home that day we spoke to her about the air conditioning. We said Mother we need an air conditioner in here and if we don't get one soon we don't know what. Then I told her I was sweating and when I sweat too much I chafe and when I chafe the insides of my thighs are rubbed raw. Charlie said he's right as a way of agreeing with me but before she could answer I kept on saying if I keep sweating like this I will dehydrate and die and is that what you want Mother.