Now I can't wait to draw it and I can't wait to show it to the awful bastard.
This is when I know this doctor isn't a real one because why would he need another doctor himself. This is probably why he doesn't help me with my hand. He doesn't know how to help me because he's not real.
Every so often he comes in here and gives me my pills anyway. They don't say what the pills are for but they say I need them. I ask them where do you get these pills but they never answer me. I know the pills aren't for my hand because my hand never gets any better.
If I didn't take these pills I think I might get hurt and die. Or I think that's what I'm supposed to think and who can argue.
The one who gives me my pills now doesn't make a pill circle or square like Mother used to and I wouldn't make it disappear if he tried.
When I take the pills I ask does he know how to do the Heimlich maneuver just in case.
Should the phone ring I might answer it and say go fuck yourself. If it's Mother on the other end I will be sorry but if it isn't then whoever it is can go fuck themselves including Charlie.
Should the phone ring it might be Mother's lawyer from when she was on trial for her life.
Why Mother was on trial is she stole money from her boss although they didn't call it stealing they called it embezzling. This was another instance where I had trouble with the words.
Mother would have her lawyer over for dinner to discuss her legal strategy. The way they did this was Charlie and I would have our sandwiches and coleslaw first so that we'd be finished by the time the lawyer came over. This is when Mother gave us money for the ice cream truck except it was the lawyer himself who gave us the money because Mother was broke again.
Mother's legal strategy was a lot like Charlie's boxing. She was supposed to be patient and keep her left up but what happened was she was too aggressive and got herself knocked out with a dangerous combination.
What the fuck kind of word is embezzling is what I asked Mother one time and she said tell me about it.
Should the phone ring I might cry out for Charlie and I will keep talking to Charlie whether it's Charlie on the other end or not. I will ask Charlie questions and will tell him about the doctor who comes by and tells me what I can and cannot do. I will tell him about the phone and the machine and the songs I sing sometimes and how that I'm getting better. My range is improving so that I can hit the high A now which is respectable for someone who never made it in show business.
Mother was disappointed that I didn't make it in show business. I told her it wasn't my fault and she said well whose fault was it and of course she was right.
Should the phone ring I will let the machine pick up because I have arranged for the machine to tell everyone but Mother to go fuck themselves.
I haven't spoken to anyone on the phone or in person for weeks now. I think it's weeks but it could just as well be months or years. There's no telling time in here so you can never tell.
The doctor who explains what I can and cannot do hasn't been by to do that nor have the four men who hold me aloft been by to do what it is they do for a long time now. Maybe they have forgotten about me or maybe they have found someone else to do these things to.
The doctor who explains what I can and cannot do has arranged it so that the phone can only receive calls and not place any. I cannot call anyone from this phone is what I'm probably saying here.
I cannot tell anyone what the five men have been doing to me and I can't tell anyone that it seems they've stopped doing it to me anymore. I have picked up the phone maybe two thousand times and punched in every combination of numbers I can figure. There are no magic digits to dial so I can make a call myself is another way of saying it.
Should the phone ring I will ask Mother to call Charlie herself. I don't see why I have to be the conduit between them anymore. I will explain to her about the air conditioning and the chafing and the ice cream truck and then I will tell her I have something on the stove.
The trouble is I can't help it what they say to each other particularly when I'm not there.
Should the phone ring I might say why hast thou forsaken me O Charlie. Then I might say you was my brother Charlie you should've looked after me a little. Then he might say that I saw some action and then I'll say something about the short end dives and taking Wilson apart. That we could've taken Wilson apart that night in the Garden and finally when it's over I'll say it is accomplished Charlie.
Should the phone ring I will stop masturbating and answer it. I hope it's a woman that calls so she can talk to me while I finish masturbating. It is always better to talk to a woman while masturbating. I hope she has a nice voice and knows all the right words to say. It's not the same if I have to tell her what to say all the time and both of us know this.
This is only true if the woman is not Mother. There is no way to talk to Mother and masturbate at the same time.
Sometimes women call here and trick me into masturbating. This was back when the phone used to ring every so often and I was trying not to masturbate all the time.
I made a resolution with myself to only masturbate twice a day. What I'd do is I'd masturbate in the morning after my pills and then I would think about something else all day until I could masturbate again at night after the nighttime pills.
So all day long I would think about the kamby bolongo and the good people of Injury Alaska who can all go fuck themselves if they're not coming here to set me free.
Why I wanted to only masturbate twice a day is because my hand was killing me during this time. I couldn't masturbate more than twice a day if I tried which I certainly did.
My fingers were stiff and I couldn't move them anymore and my wrist felt like it was broken again.
I broke my wrist the first time on Charlie's jaw when he had me pinned against the stole ropes in Mother's room. He was pummeling me pretty good so I threw an uppercut and broke my wrist on his glass jaw.
Charlie fell to the canvas and I had to squirt water on him to wake him up. I told him next time keep your fucking left up and this won't happen.
Then Mother came home and I had to tell her I broke my wrist breaking Charlie's jaw with an uppercut. She said why can't that kid ever keep his fucking left up.
So the phone would ring and I would tell myself you are not going to masturbate no matter what happens next. Then after the hello how are you comes a woman's voice asking me if I want a subscription to the daily newspaper and I'd have no choice.
What I think was the doctors saw me only masturbating twice a day and this was undermining their experiments. They had this woman call me because they know I am not getting any better.
Should the phone ring I will tell Mother once and for all to stop calling me all the goddamned time. I will say the doctor comes by once a month to tell me what I can and cannot do and I have the phone and the machine and the long beep but no television to watch like the time you made me and Charlie watch that show about the African guinea man who ran away and got his foot chopped off next to a tree and then I would sing songs about the African guinea man until you made me stop with your ladle and I'll finish by saying if Charlie does call I'll tell him you said the hello how are you and that he should call more often. Past that I still masturbate all the time because what else do they expect me to do.
Should the phone ring I will answer it at once and I will say the hello how are you and listen to the words that come back. If the words that come back come from a woman's voice I will keep listening but I will not masturbate and if the words come from a man's voice I will probably hang up instead.