Kamby Bolongo Mean River

Sometimes I think there is nothing here that is worth the getting out of bed for and it's a real bullfight on those days.

Should the phone ring I will ask Charlie why he and Mother put me here. I will ask him if it has anything to do with the African guinea man who got his foot chopped off. I remember when I made up a song about the African guinea man and his foot Charlie and Mother yelled at me with a ladle and told me to stop. I will ask Charlie if he still sings songs during the commercials anymore. I will ask why have they conspired against me and for how long will this continue. I will ask what it is I have done. Is it because Charlie is jealous of me is that it Charlie.

Should the phone ring I will say kamby bolongo mean river right into it. Then we'll see what the person on the other end has to say about that.

Sometimes I think about the nothing all day but I never meditate anymore. It is too quiet in here to meditate without a television to watch or the phone ringing all the time.

Sometimes I pretend I'm Charlie in here and I talk out loud about the nothing and how this is what we are trying to get back to. This was God's plan all along is how I put it.

I move my eyebrows up and down like Charlie and say for ages there was only the nothing and nothing else. In the beginning there was nothing and it was good. It was good like this a long time until the nothing was interrupted by the advent of animals and people.

They never come in here when I do this because why bother.

Should the phone ring my heart will stop short because it hasn't rung in weeks or months now. I will probably fall down and hyperventilate if the phone should ring so it's probably good that it doesn't anymore.

Should the phone ring I will pick it up and say say something and I'll draw it. I will say keep in mind I only have blue and white chalk and can only draw stick figures.

Yesterday I drew a stick massa combing through the hair of a stick guinea man.

Should the phone ring I think I will drop dead all over the floor because it hasn't rung since I don't know when anymore. I think the last time I said the hello how are you was three or four years ago now. They never tell me what time it is in here. When I ask them what time it is they say I shouldn't worry about things like that. When I ask them to bring me a television to watch or a clock for the wall they say why bother.

This is when I feel like I will never masturbate for their benefit again.

Should the phone ring I will keep talking with myself instead because the phone never rings anymore anyway.

Should the phone ring I will answer it and explain why I think I masturbate as much as I do now. I think it's because they took my uniform from me and that I'm naked all the time. There's nothing impeding myself from myself here. There's nothing to distract me from myself either. If I had a television to watch then maybe yes or if I had my uniform pants to wear then maybe yes again but there is no television and I have no pants.

It's always right there in front of me is another way of saying what I'm saying.

I don't know why they took my uniform from me that first day. One of them said it was so I wouldn't do something to myself but I didn't believe him.

I have never done something to myself with my uniform and I wouldn't know how to either.

The doctor who tells me what I can and cannot do wasn't the one who took my uniform. The four that hold me aloft like I am on the rack is who took my uniform from me. The doctor was somewhere else when they did this to me but I'm sure he was the one who told them to take my uniform in the first place.

The doctor probably dialed Mother and Charlie on the phone right after and told them I'm getting better.

I don't know what Mother and Charlie said back to him but it probably had something to do with sacrifices and then they probably told the doctor to give me their regards.

Mother and Charlie have always been this way so you can't blame them for it.

Should the phone ring I will say I am in here with no uniform and no television to watch.

I will say my wrist is broken and my fingers stiff and the baby oil isn't working.

I will say I will continue to masturbate until they tell me otherwise.

I will say there are two ways to do something to yourself if you want to.

I will say the words are important less than half the time and it's better to listen to what's between the words and behind them.

I will say for ages there was nothing and it was good.

I will say this is what we are trying to return to and that it was God's plan all along.

I will say there is a difference between meditating and masturbating but not by much.

I will say Charlie Robertson is upstate playing summer stock as a vicious military policeman patrolling for intruders.

I will say there is no end to what stick figures can do on a wall.

I will say Indians can't help being Indians any more than doctors or dogs.

I will say that kamby bolongo mean river and the kamby bolongo flows through the big broken heart of Injury Alaska.

I will say do not get caught up in your Mother's tubes or you will have a headache for life.

I will say I will return to the good people of Injury as they are waiting for me.

I will say keep your left up lest you be felled by a dangerous combination.

I will sing hosanna to answering machines and uniforms and air conditioners even though I don't have one in here and probably never will.

I will say I am sweating now and when I sweat too much I chafe and when I chafe the insides of my thighs are rubbed raw.

I will say thank God for inventing powder and that he was a genius the day he did that.

I will say whatever comes to mind about Charlie and Mother and everything that has happened since we were children watching television and singing songs and chasing after the ice cream truck.

I will say please keep Charlie and Mother in your prayers tonight and give them my regards when you see them.

I will say you are who you are and where you are and I am who I am and where I am so let's stop now with the hello how are you I have a headache and don't feel like talking so please leave a message because I am fine.

That's what I'll say should the phone ever ring again this next time.

I will say I am fine which means please stop talking.

Acknowledgements

The author gratefully acknowledges Sam Ligon, Amy Albracht, Toni Lopez, Dan Wickett, Steven Gillis and Steven Seighman.

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