Then we'd go into the basement after the jog and I'd hold a laundry bag up so he could pummel it to death. Then I'd make him a breakfast drink of raw eggs and milk and he'd drink it right up and only once or twice did he throw up from it. Charlie didn't mind throwing up because boxers threw up all the time.
I can't remember if Charlie ever actually boxed another boxer inside a ring. I'm sure he would've wanted to otherwise what did we do all that training for. This is something Charlie probably regrets to this very day.
It probably haunts him that he never became a real boxer and this is probably why Charlie is the way he is.
This is why I feel sorry for Charlie sometimes.
We watched the boxing matches Friday nights and we'd watch boxing movies when there were no matches on. We were boxing crazy for two whole summers and each of us bought our own trunks and mouthpieces and we made Charlie's bedroom into a ring. We made ropes out of the fox and raccoon stoles from Mother's closet and we used her old music box for a bell. We stapled all those stoles together and took the bell out of the box and Mother gave us hell when she found out about it. She gave more hell to Charlie because he was older and responsible and I remember feeling bad for Charlie that his own mother wanted to kill him like that.
Mother never wanted to kill me herself I don't think.
Sometimes Mother gave us hell by making us read the dictionary. She would have us sit down at the kitchen table and read the dictionary together. We would pass the dictionary back and forth and have to memorize certain words and later she would come home and test us.
She would have us do all the Hs in one sitting for instance.
Another thing Charlie and I would do together is riddles. I would tell Charlie that if he wanted to be a boxer he'd have to think on his feet and riddles help with this. I told him all boxers should do riddles and he was no exception. So I would say to Charlie that if a plane crashed on the border of Alaska and Canada where do you bury the survivors. Then I would tell him what walks on four in the morning two in the afternoon and three in the evening.
Charlie would answer what does that have to do with boxing and he was right of course.
This is why I like to pretend when callers call for people who aren't me. There is no right way to do this but it helps if you can make yourself believe you are the actual person you are pretending to be.
No matter who it is I am pretending to be I always sound like a military policeman or security guard. This would be fine except sometimes I am trying not to sound like an MP or security guard. Sometimes I've wanted to sound like a boxing trainer but other times I want to sound like anyone. The way you try to sound like anyone is to sound like you are falling asleep while speaking. The way to do this is to speak slowly and mumble and the longer you're at it you speak even more slowly and mumble more. This is the same way drunk people talk and the same as people who have been given too many pills.
One time I asked a caller if I sounded like an MP or security guard but the caller hung up before answering. I took this to mean yes I did sound like an MP or security guard.
What I never do is try to sound like a doctor in a white coat and clipboard. No one likes doctors in person and even less over the phone.
The people who bring me the powder and uniforms are doctors in white coats and clipboards.
These are the same ones who watch me from the other side of the window.
Along with my bed I have a table and chairs in here with me. Sometimes when they want to talk with me we all sit around the table together and it's nice.
I know it's nice because once we get settled in our chairs around the table one of them always says isn't this nice.
Then one of us will say something and the others have to respond like it's an actual conversation.
One of the doctors will say how are you feeling today and I will say I'm fine which means please stop talking.
Then we all look at each other like it's a contest as to who will say what first.
Sometimes this goes on for a while and it doesn't bother me like it does them.
Then they might say something like how was your breakfast this morning.
I might say it was delicious.
They might say what did they bring you.
I might say the usual.
And they might say which is what.
I might say I'm afraid I don't remember.
One of them is always quiet and scribbling in a notebook whenever we do this.
He is the one I usually tell to go fuck himself when he has a chance.
I will say to him go fuck yourself when you get a chance like that.
This is when they all say we'll see you later which means they are going behind the window to either watch me again or go fuck themselves.
This is what professional actors do so well. Professional actors say when they are acting they literally become the character they are playing. So if an actor named Charlie Robertson is playing a military policeman Charlie Robertson becomes an MP on stage in front of the audience. There is no Charlie Robertson on stage during the performance is another way of saying it. A skilled actor can convince an audience of this every time and if the hypothetical Charlie Robertson is a skilled actor then we can assume the audience believes he is actually a military policeman on that stage during the performance. What happens to Charlie Robertson during this time we don't know. We don't know where he goes or what he does when he gets there.
In some ways it is like death it is like what happens to you when you die.
In this way you could call actors killers. You could say that acting is a kind of killing which it certainly is.
Should the phone ring and the caller asks for someone who is not me the first thing I'll do is imagine how that person might talk and go from there. It's better if it sounds like the person they ask for works as an MP or security guard but it rarely happens that way. What does happen is they ask for some name I've never heard before. Some name that could never belong to an MP or security guard.
How Mother tested us was she'd sit down at the kitchen table and ask us questions.
Charlie always went first because he was older and Mother made me go into the living room to wait my turn.
Mother would say how do you spell a word like harassment.
Charlie would say h a r r a s s m e n t.
Mother would say you're wrong again Charlie.
Mother would say if you don't know how to spell it then what does it mean.
Charlie would say it means when someone bothers you all the time.
Then it would be my turn and Mother would ask me how do you spell harbinger.
This is when I told her that I knew harassment so she should've asked me that instead.
Should the phone ring it might be the intruder who calls here sometimes. This last time he called I wasn't even finished with the hello how are you when he said there were too many people there when it happened so I decided to cut some of them.
So I said when what happened.
Then he said for instance Arthur Wheeler was there but had absolutely nothing to do with it. Gil Figgitz had no idea what the hell was going on so why put him in.