So I asked her about buying me my own television because Charlie would never let me watch what I wanted and she told me it was almost time for dinner and we would discuss it tomorrow instead.
I was about to say I don't even care if it's a black and white but this was Mother's way of saying I don't need this kind of aggravation so why bother.
Another truth is people have always confused me with Charlie and vice versa. Some people even said we looked like twins which we certainly weren't. Charlie was older and always responsible. That's how you could tell us apart.
Also Charlie was allowed to get hurt because he wouldn't die from it.
And I was always the better dancer.
I have never liked it when people confuse me with Charlie but I don't blame them for it either. You cannot blame people for what's wrong with them. People can't help it. If Mother taught me anything this is what she taught me. People can't help being people the same way dogs can't help being dogs.
Mother also taught us about singing because she liked it when we would sing during the commercials for her. She taught us all the parts like soprano alto tenor baritone and bass. She would play opera records for us and say this one is a soprano and that one is the great tenor Caruso. She wanted me to learn how to sing an aria like Caruso.
She said that I could make it in show business if I applied myself and I had to otherwise we'd wind up on the streets together.
We only had our dog for one summer because Charlie and Mother didn't like him. Mother brought home the dog one day after work but she didn't say where he came from. She told us not to get attached to the dog because we weren't keeping him. She said the dog was temporary like unemployment.
Why Mother said it this way is because she sometimes was unemployed herself. This wasn't Mother's fault she told us. She said she was a good employee and that her bosses were all cruel and unusual. She said they wanted her to do things that weren't in the job description. We never asked her what those things were and we never asked her to describe her jobs for us either.
She told us she would show up for work on time every day and was early more often than not. She said she would stay late whenever it was necessary even though she never collected overtime. She said she got along well with her co-workers and that everyone liked her. She would tell us this over dinner and we agreed with her by eating all of our dinners and not interrupting.
Charlie would sit to Mother's right and me to her left. Mother said we had to be separated because we would misbehave otherwise. I don't think we ever misbehaved at the dinner table but that didn't matter apparently. I think she was this way because she caught us in Charlie's room with her stoles all stapled together.
At the table Mother would say things like I'm glad that tomorrow is Wednesday so that the next day is Thursday.
Or she'd say I cooked so now the two of you clean.
We would tell her we wanted to watch television instead and she would say I worked all day long and what's your excuse.
We think Mother worked in an office but we never knew for sure.
Charlie and I would do the dishes every night after dinner while Mother took a shower or went into the living room to lie down on the sofa. How we did the dishes was I would wash all the dishes and place them on the dish rack while Charlie stood next to me and did nothing.
Mother wasn't to be disturbed when she was lying on the sofa. On her way to the sofa Mother would say I am not to be disturbed like that.
What she'd do is take off her shoes and put her feet up on the arm of the sofa. Her head would be on a pillow and she'd cover her eyes with her left arm. She liked it dark and quiet so the lights and the television were always off whenever she was laying down.
After the dishes Charlie and I had to go into our own rooms and wait for Mother to say it was okay for us to come out again.
This is when we'd discuss the events of the day. All three of us would sit on the sofa with Mother in the middle.
Mother would say something like tell me about your day.
I would say Charlie you go first.
Charlie would say something like it was another day at school Mother.
Mother would say what did you learn today Charlie.
Charlie would say today we did fractions in math and we memorized the states in civics.
This is when Mother would say Jesus to herself and get up to go to the kitchen. She'd come back with a glass of Scotch whiskey in one hand and a cigarette burning between her lips.
Then she'd look at me and say what about you.
I'd say today it was baseball in gym class.
Then she'd say what about the school part.
I'd say today it was manifest destiny and how they pushed the Indians around.
This is when Mother would get up shaking her head. She would mutter something to herself and then say I'm going to bed I have to get up early for work tomorrow.
I didn't tell her that I didn't understand what manifest had to do with destiny because you know Mother.
I applied for a job one summer but Mother didn't let me go for the interview. She said I was too young to work which meant she was afraid I'd get hurt and die.
I don't know how you can get hurt and die working in an ice cream truck but that was Mother for you.
I think I would like the job of carving the letter P into blue pills. I think I could do this all day long and not get bored. I think I could do this the same way Mother worked like a dog for us except I wouldn't get myself fired like she did all the time. I think I would show up early and stay late whenever there were extra pills to carve. I would get along with all my co-workers and I wouldn't care about overtime either.
I would carve each P the same way for years and then when no one was looking I would carve other letters into the pills like A and C which in this case would stand for air conditioning.
I would spell out what happened to the air conditioning in blue pills like that.
Along with no air conditioning here and no television they won't let me have a clock for the wall either. So on top of everything I never know what time it is.
I can only assume it's morning when they bring me my morning pills and it's time for bed when they bring me the nighttime pills.
I don't know the days of the week either so I could never say something like I'm glad tomorrow is Wednesday so that the next day is Thursday.
Should the phone ring right now I might say can you at least give me the fucking time of day here.
Mother didn't let us name the dog. I wanted to ask her why she brought him home in the first place but this was Mother we're talking about.
That one summer we had the dog was glorious. I would hold the rope around Charlie's back with my left hand and the dog's leash with my right. Sometimes I was afraid the dog wouldn't be able to keep up but that dog was as good a jogger as Charlie and me.
I secretly gave a name to the dog but I've forgotten what it was. No one knew about the name because I think I would've caught hell otherwise.
What I do remember is that the dog's name was not Charlie. It would've been fun to call him Charlie but Charlie himself wouldn't have liked it at all.
I slept with the dog every night that summer. What I'd do is leave him in the living room when Mother came in to give me my pills. Sometimes she would bring me powder for the chafed parts but only during the summer when it was hot and I would sweat too much. But always she gave me my pills every night and after I would make the circle or square disappear I'd pretend to fall asleep right away this way Mother wouldn't be suspicious. Sometimes she would stay with me until I fell asleep. She would sit on the bed and wait. I always felt that if I didn't fall asleep right away I'd be in trouble and this is why I always pretended to fall asleep right away even when we didn't have the dog.