“Im done here. Theres nothing for me here.”
It was like having a fist punched into her heart. “How can you say that? How can you say theres nothing for you here? I know, Jordan, I know how hard it was for you to lose your mother. I know youre still grieving. This isnt the time for you to make this kind of a decision.”
“Its already made.” He glanced in her direction, but his eyes never met hers. “Ive got a few more things to deal with, then Im gone. Im leaving in the morning.”
“Just like that?” Pride pushed her back on her feet. “Were you planning on letting me in on it, or were you just going to send me a postcard when you got there?”
He looked at her now, but she couldnt see into his eyes, couldnt see through the shield hed thrown up between them. “I was going to come by later tonight and see you, and Flynn.”
“Thats very considerate.”
He raked his “fingers through his hair, a gesture she knew reflected impatience or frustration. ”Look, Dana, this is something I have to do.“
“No, this is something you want to do, because youre done with this place now. And everyone in it.”
She had to keep her voice low, very low. Or it would shrill. Or scream. “That would include me. So I guess the past couple of years havent meant a damn thing.”
“Thats bullshit, and you know it.” He slapped one suitcase closed, fastened it. “I care about you, I always did. Im doing what I need to do—what I want to do. Either way it comes to the same thing. I cant write here. I cant fucking think here. And I have to write. Ive got a chance to make something of myself, and Im taking it. So would you.”
“Yeah, youre making something of yourself. A selfish bastard. Youve been planning this, stringing me along while you planned to dump me when it was most convenient for you.”
“This isnt about you, this is about me getting out of this fucking house, out of this goddamn town.” He rounded on her, and the shield cracked enough for her to see fury. “This is about me not busting my ass every goddamn day working in a grease pit just to pay the bills, then trying to carve out a few hours to write. This is about my life.”
“I thought I was part of your life.”
“Christ,” He dragged a hand through his hair again before yanking open a drawer for more clothes.
He couldnt be bothered to stop packing, she thought, not even when he was breaking her heart.
“You are part of my life. You, Flynn, Brad. How the hell does me moving to New York change that?”
“As far as I know you havent been sleeping with Flynn and Brad.”
“I cant bury myself in the Valley because you and I had thehots for each other.”
“You son of a bitch.” She could feel herself beginning to shake, and the stinging tears gathering in her throat. Using all her strength, she channeled the hurt into rage. “You can make it cheap. You can make yourself cheap. But you wont make me cheap.”
He stopped now, stopped packing and turned to look at her with regret, and what might have been pity. “Dana. I didnt mean it that way.”
“Dont.” She slapped his hand away when he reached ...
Youre done with the Valley? Youre done with me? Fine, thats fine, because Im done with you. Youll be lucky to last a month in New York, hacking away at that crap you write. So when you come crawling back here, dont call me. Dont speak to me. Because youre right about one thing, Hawke—theres nothing for you here anymore.“
She shoved past him and fled.
Shed forgotten her hat, she realized as she watched herself run out of the house. A snowball winged by one of the Dobson boyssplatted in the middle of her back, but she didnt notice.
She didnt feel the cold, or the tears streaming down her face.
She felt nothing. Hed made her nothing.
How could she have forgotten? How could she have forgiven?
She didnt see then, nor did she see now, that hed stood in the narrow window of the dormer and watched her go.
SHE woke to thin autumn sunlight, her cheeks wet, her skin chilled.
The grief was so real, so fresh, she rolled away, curled up in a ball and prayed for it to pass.
She couldnt, wouldnt, go through this again. Had she worked so hard to get over him, to push herself out of the grief and misery and hurt only to lay herself open to it all again?
Was she that weak, that stupid?
Maybe she was, when it came to Jordan. Maybe she was just that weak and stupid. But she didnt have to be.
She eased out of bed and left him sleeping. She pulled on a robe, a kind of armor, then headed to the kitchen for coffee.
Moe scrambled up from the foot of the bed and bounded after her. With his leash between his teeth, he danced in place in the kitchen.
“Not yet, Moe.” She bent to bury her face in his fur. “Im not up to it yet.”
Sensing trouble, he whined, then dropped the leash to lick her face. “Youre a good dog, arent you? Been chasing rabbits, huh? Thats okay, Ive been chasing something, too. Neither one of us is ever going to catch it.”
She drank the coffee where she stood, and was pouring a second cup when she heard Jordans footsteps.
Hed pulled on his clothes, but still looked sleepily rumpled. He grunted when Moes paws hit his chest, and managed to nip the coffee mug out of Danas hand. He drank deep.
“Thanks.” He handed it back, then stooped to pick up Moes leash. The act had Moe running around them in desperate circles.
“Want me to take him out?”
“Yes. You can take him back to Flynns.”
“Sure. Want to go for a run before breakfast?” he said to Moe as he clipped on the leash. “Yeah, you bet.”
“I dont want you to come back here.”
“Hmm?” He glanced up, saw her face. “What did you say?”
“I dont want you to come back here. Not this morning, not ever.”
“Down, Moe.” Something in the quiet tone had the dog obeying. “Did I sleep through an argument, or… Kane,” he said and gripped Danas arm. “What did he do?”
“It has nothing to do with him. Its about me this time. I made a mistake letting you back in. Im correcting it.”
“What the hell brought this on? Last night—”
“We have great sex.” She shrugged, sipped her coffee. “Thats not enough for me. Or maybe its too much for me. Either way it doesnt work. You ripped me to pieces once.”
“Dana, let me—”
“No, thats just it.” She stepped back from him. “I wont let you, not again. Ive got a good life, all in all. It satisfies me. I dont want you in it. I dont want you here, Jordan. I cant have you here. So Im telling you to go while there are no hard feelings. Im telling you while we still have some chance of being friends.”
She moved past him quickly. “Im going to shower. Dont be here when I come out.”
HE was still in a daze when he walked into Flynns. Was this what shed felt like? he wondered. Was this what hed done to her? Had he left her feeling hollowed out and numb?
And what happened when the numbness passed? Was it pain, or anger, or both?
He wanted the anger. Christ, he wanted to find his anger.
Trailing the leash that Jordan forgot to unclip, Moe dashed back toward the kitchen, and Flynns cheerful greeting followed the sound of thumps.
“A boy and his dog.” Malory jogged down the stairs, morning fresh in khakis and a navy sweatshirt. “Youre back early this morning,” she began, “or Im running behind.” Then she stopped, stared at him. “What is it? Whats wrong?” A bubble of fear came into her voice. “Dana—”
“No, nothing. Shes fine.”
“But youre not. Come on. Lets go sit down.”
“No, I need to—”
“Sit down,” she repeated, and taking his arm, pulled him toward the kitchen.
Flynn was at the card table, a temporary measure in the evolving kitchen. The walls had been painted a strong teal blue that set off the golden wood of the new cabinets. The floor was stripped down in preparation for the hardwood Malory had selected. A piece of plywood sat on a stretch of base cabinets as a makeshift countertop.