It was rough. I get it. I really get it. Up with Holden. I’d have probably been the same way.
In the end, though, the attempt to save the world by forcing people to read The Catcher in the Rye and dressing casually and supporting public television and putting bumper stickers on Volvos and eating only weird expensive food and separat-ing your cans and bottles and doing tai chi and going to the farmer’s market and pronouncing Spanish words with a cartoon-character accent and calling actresses actors and making up your own religion and so forth—well, the world refused to be saved that way. Big surprise. On the other hand, no one could ever mistake Hillmont High School for a prep school, so at least you accomplished that. I mean, calling it a school involves the kind of generosity of spirit that in other circumstances might get you the Nobel Peace Prize nomina-tion or something. You stuck it to the old man, killed half of your brain cells, and dumbed down the educational system: you are the greatest generation.
Before all that character arc stuff happened, I might have been able to sing “all we are saying is make high school a little less sadistic” with a little more enthusiasm. Compared to Hillmont High School, Holden Caulfield’s prep school troubles seem like a sort of heaven on earth. But honestly, I’ve got my mind on other things. Girls and rock and roll, I mean.
Everything else is trivia.
323
OUTRO
How we live now:
Christmas break. Band practice. We Have Eaten All the Cake, me on guitar/vox, Spam L. Ermine on bass and domestic hygiene, Shinefield on drums, first album Slut Heaven.
Working on: “You Look Good on Drugs.”
Little Big Tom enters, tilts his head to one side, raises one eyebrow, does a quick, shallow knee bend, tilts his head to the other side, raises the phone he is carrying above his head, and brings it down, straightening his arm in one fluid motion, as though it’s a remote and he’s changing the channel. Or a phaser on stun.
“There a rock star in the house?”
I take the phone. “Oh, thank God,” I say, when I realize it is Celeste “Fiona” Fletcher. Because we’ve started saying that whenever we call each other.
Fake Fiona: “Trombone!”
Amanda: “Get off the phone. Get off the phone. Get off the phone.”
Mom: just about halfway visible from a certain angle, seated at the dining room table at the end of the hall in a cloud of cigarette smoke, staring into her drink. Looking sad and beautiful.
Little Big Tom, sighing: “Rock and roll . . .”
Sam Hellerman: staring ahead inscrutably, fingering bass strings. Saying nothing.
325
bandography
( A U G U S T – D E C E M B E R )
1. Easter Monday
2. Baby Batter
guitar: Guitar Guy
base and scientology: Sam Hellerman
third album: Odd and Even Number
3. The Plasma Nukes
guitar: Lithium Dan
bass and calligraphy: Little Pink Sambo
vox: The Worm
machine-gun drums: TBA
first album: Feelin’ Free with the Plasma Nukes 4. Tennis with Guitars
lead axe: Love Love
bass and rat-catching: The Prophet Samuel vocals, keys, bumping, grinding: Li’l Miss Debbie drummer: Beat-Beat
first album: Amphetamine Low
cover: white with the album title in tiny black type on the back. The band name does not appear anywhere on the outside packaging.
second album: Phantasmagoria, Gloria photo: a police dog licks a broken doll’s face.
327
5. Helmet Boy
guitar: Moe
bass and procrastination: Sambiguity
first album: Helmet Boy II
6. Liquid Malice
7. The Underpants Machine
guitar: Super-Moe
bass and bottle rockets: Sam Sam the Piper’s Son first album: We Will Bury You
8. The Stoned Marmadukes
guitar: Moe “Fingers” Henderson
bass and paleontology: Mr. Sam Hellerman first album: Right Lane Must Exit
9. Ray Bradbury’s Love-Camel
guitar: Moe-Moe
bass and calisthenics: Scammy Sammy
first album: Prepare to Die
10. Silent Nightmare
guitar: The Lord of Electricity
bass and gynecology: Samson
first album: Feel Me Fall
11. The Medieval Ages
guitar: St. Moe
bass and bodywork: Samber Waves of Grain first album: That Stupid Pope
328
12. The Sadly Mistaken
guitar: Moe Vittles
bass and landscaping: Sam “Noxious” Fumes first album: Kill the Boy Wonder
13. Oxford English
guitar: Moe Bilalabama
bass and lollygagging: Sam “the Cat” Hellerman first album: What Part of Suck Don’t You Understand?
14. Some Delicious Sky, aka SDS
treble and vocals: Squealie
thick bottom and industrial arts:
Sambidextrous
first album: Taste My Juice
15. Arab Charger
guitar: me
bass and preventive dentistry: The Fiend in Human Shape
first album: Blank Me
16. Occult Blood
guitar and vox: Mopey Mo
bass and teleology: Hell-man
percussion instruments: Todd Panchowski
first album: Pentagrampa
17. The Mordor Apes
guitar: Mithril-hound
bass and necrology: Li’l Sauron
percussion and stupefaction: Dim Todd
first album: Elven Tail
329
18. The Nancy Wheelers
guitar: Pseudo-Moe
bass and ouija board: Sam Hellerman
first album: Margaret? It’s God. Please Shut Up.
19. Green Sabbath
guitar: Monsignor Eco-druid
bass and industrial sabotage: The Grim
Recycler
drums, percussion, acoustic and semi-
acoustic drums, cymbals, tambourines,
cowbells, chimes, gongs, toms, shaker
eggs, bongos, stick clicks, wood blocks, percussion, percussion and more
percussion: Todd “Percussion” Panchowski first album: Our Drummer Is Kind of Full of Himself 20. Balls Deep
guitar: Comrade Gal-hammer
bass and embroidery: Our Dear Leader
real fancy and important percussion: the Lonely Dissident
first album: We Control the Horizontal 21. Super Mega Plus
guitar/vox: Moelle
bass, prevarication, and procuring young girls under false pretenses: Sam Hell
irregular timekeeping: Brain-dead Panchowski first album: A Woman Knows
330
22. The Chi-Mos!
guitar: the Reverend Chi-Mo
bass and being aware of his own mortality: Assistant Principal Chi-Mo
percussion and counting to four:
Chi-Mo Panchowski
first album: Balls Deep
23. The Elephants of Style
guitar: Mot Juste
bass and animal husbandry: Sam Enchanted Evening
first album: Devil Warship
24. Sentient Beard
guitar/vox: Mot Nosredneh
bass and upholstery: Samerica the Beautiful first album: Off the Charts—Way Off
25. We Have Eaten All the Cake
guitar/vox: Tomcat
bass and domestic hygiene Spam L. Ermine
:
drums: Shinefield
first album Slut Heaven