My heart immediately tried to leap out of my chest, but I controlled it and my breathing. Christy must have felt it, because she reassured me with a hand on my chest.
“Before I tell you,” I said when I could speak without a tremor, “this is one of those things I’ve never told anyone. Leah probably suspects most of it, but we’ve never talked about it.”
“Like me and most of my secrets,” Christy said.
“Exactly. Up to now, I’ve told you things other people know. This is different. This is really private.”
“Like me and most of my secrets,” she repeated. Pointedly.
“Yeah, I kinda deserved that.”
“You did.”
I took a deep breath and found an island of calm. “I can do this,” I said, only half joking. “I’m fearless.”
She knew I wasn’t mocking her, so she didn’t say anything.
“Okay, here goes,” I said at last. “Yes, I’ve seen Erin have sex. And yes, I
like it. She likes watching me too.”
“What’s it like?” Christy said immediately. “Was it weird?”
“Maybe the first time, but I don’t really remember. I mean, she used to be my bratty little sister, skinny and annoying, a kid. But—”
“Not now.”
“Not for several years,” I agreed. “Now she’s—”
“A woman.”
“Mmm hmm. And—”
“Really sexy.”
I glanced at Christy in the dark. She was reading my mind.
“Do you ever think about… you know?” she asked.
“What do you think?”
“I… don’t know.”
I moved her hand to my resurgent erection. She automatically wrapped her fingers around it. “Ask again,” I said.
“Do you ever think about… doing it… with Erin?”
I didn’t know how my dick would react for real, so I cheated a bit. I squeezed my buttocks and made it swell in her hand.
“Oh my gosh, you do!”
“Yes. Does that make me a pervert?”
She thought about it for an excruciatingly long time. “I don’t know.” She fell silent again, but I could feel her gathering her thoughts. “I’m trying to do what you taught me,” she said at last. “You’ve never, ever made me feel dirty for something I’ve told you.”
“No.”
“And I guess I owe you the same.”
“You don’t ‘owe’ me anything.”
“Yes, I think I do. I’ve… told you some things that are really…” She thought about it. “‘Disgusting’ isn’t the right word. Neither is ‘perverted.’
But… you said ‘taboo.’ We were talking about fantasies.”
“I remember.”
“I didn’t catch it at the time, but I’ve been thinking about it these past few days. I even looked it up in your big dictionary to make sure I knew exactly what it meant.”
“And what did it say?”
“Prohibited or restricted by social custom. As in: incest is taboo.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“I could’ve said ‘liking pain’ or ‘sex in public’ or any of the other things I like. They’re all taboo.”
“Yes.”
“But you never called them taboo. You said that about your own fantasies. You were being honest with me, but I didn’t realize it.”
“I’ve always been honest with you.”
“I know. And that’s what makes me trust you, even more than I did before. You won’t lie to me, even now, when I know you want to.”
“I do. I’m scared to death you’re going to—”
She released my hard-on and held me around the middle instead. “Does it feel like I’m going to run away? I told you, nothing you say will ever scare me. That isn’t entirely true,” she admitted, “but I’m trying to control it.
And… I need to tell you the truth.” She thought about it and decided on a question: “What happened when you woke up?”
“Tonight? You—” My eyes flew open.
“Mmm hmm,” she said when she felt my reaction. “I’d been thinking about…” She paused to steady her own nerves. “About you and Erin.”
“You pretty much attacked me.”
“I was horny. I wanted to feel you in my mouth.” She shrugged. “What can I say? I like fellatio more than the next girl. A lot more. Well, maybe not Leah or Erin.” She raised her head and looked at my face. “That seems to be a theme with you.”
“What can I say?” I echoed. “I like fellatio more than the next guy. A lot more.”
She sighed with amusement and rested her face on my chest again. Then she stroked my cock, an idle gesture while she thought.
“So,” I ventured, “thinking about me and Erin gets you worked up?”
“You know it does.”
Was I brave enough to ask if she felt the same about her and Laurence?
Not yet, I decided. I wasn’t entirely sure, and a vague suspicion wasn’t enough.
“Part of me thinks it’s perverted and disgusting,” she said softly, “but I think that’s my— What’s the thing that flies the plane while we talk?”
“The autopilot.”
“Yeah, that’s it. I think it’s my autopilot. Society says it’s taboo, so that’s what I automatically think. Like when I think I’m supposed to be jealous but I’m not.” She drew breath to say something else but fell silent. She spent a
long time thinking before she said, “You said you’re comfortable with your kinky inner life. I can tell. And in a weird way, that’s really attractive.”
“Weird how?”
“Weird because I should be running away. You just told me you want to sleep with your sister! But… it makes me love you more. I mean, now I think I understand why you’ve never made me feel dirty for any of the things I like.
You treat me how you’d like to be treated.”
“The Golden Rule.”
“But you’re serious about it. Most people aren’t. They follow ‘social custom’ and condemn people even though they have the same thoughts.”
“They’re hypocrites,” I sneered.
“No, they’re ashamed. Like Sister Prune. I think she was so mean and bitter because she secretly wanted to do the things she was telling us not to.
But she was really telling herself that her desires were dirty and disgusting. It didn’t have anything to do with us at all.”
“Probably not.”
She turned thoughtful and eventually said, “I still have some really secret things I want to tell you, things I never thought I’d tell anyone. I’m not ready yet, but you convinced me I should. Sharing things with you makes me feel better about them. They’re out, in the light of day. Not for real, not for everyone to see, but for you and me. And… they aren’t so dark and dirty when we look at them together.”
“That’s how it should be.”
All of a sudden she laughed. “I still think you’re a total pervert. And I’m a total nympho.” She raised her head and turned serious. “But only for each other.”
I brushed back her hair and pulled her up for a kiss. “Only for each other.”
She kissed me again. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“And… now I really want to marry you.”
“Are you asking me?” I teased.
“No! That isn’t how this works. You’re the man. It’s your job to ask! It’s in the Handbook.”
“I know,” I chuckled. “And I will, when we’re ready.”
“Yeah, we still have a lot to figure out before then.” She nuzzled my neck and kissed my jaw. “I never thought I’d say that. I thought we’d just know.
Then it would happen. But instead… it’s weird.”
“What is?”
“Having a grown-up relationship. That’s what Marianne says this is. She said you’re more mature than I am. For the record, you must’ve really impressed her. She’s known me since I was a girl, and she’s always given me advice about my boyfriends. But she’s never liked anyone as much as you.