I was glad to escape from that room and be alone with the doctor.
We did not speak until we had left the house and were walking in the direction of the Abbey. It was difficult to believe that it was only the night before that I had lost my way.
” My dear Mrs. Rockwell,” said Dr. Smith, ” I could see that you wished to get away from the house. That was one reason why I suggested this walk . You feel bewildered, do you not?”
“Yes,” I said.
“But mere is one thing of which I am certain.”
” You think it impossible that Gabriel killed himself?”
” Yes, I do.”
“Because you were happy together?”
“We were happy together.”
” I think it may have been because Gabriel was happy with you that he found his life intolerable.”
“I do not understand you.”
” You know that his health was precarious.”
” He told me that before we married.”
” Ah, I thought perhaps he might have kept it from you. His heart was weak and he might have died at any moment. But you knew that.”
I nodded.
” It’s a family weakness. Poor Gabriel, it struck him young. I had a conversation with him only yesterday about … his weakness. I am wondering now whether this had something to do with the tragedy. May I be frank with you? You are very young but you are a married woman, and I am afraid I must speak with candour.”
” Please do.”
” Thank you. I was struck from the first by your good sense and I rejoiced that Gabriel had chosen so wisely. Yesterday Gabriel came to me and asked me some questions about … his married life.”
I felt a flush rise in my cheeks and said: “Pray tell me what you mean.”
” He asked me if the state of his heart made it dangerous for him to indulge in marital relations.”
” Oh!” My voice sounded faint and I could not bring myself to look at the doctor. We had reached the ruins and I stared up at the Norman tower. ” And … what was your answer?”
“I told him that In my opinion he would take a considerable risk if such relations did occur.”
” I see.”
He was trying to read my thoughts, but I would not look at him. What had happened between me and Gabriel should I decided, be our secret. I felt embarrassed to be involved in such a discussion and, although I reminded myself that this man was a doctor, the discomfort persisted.
But I could see what he was driving at, and he had no need to explain; but he did.
” He was a normal young man, apart from this weakness of the heart. He was proud. I realised when I warned him that I was giving him a shock but I did not understand then how deeply it had affected him.”
” And you think that this … warning … decided him?”
” It seems to me a logical deduction. What … is your opinion, Mrs.
Rockwell? In the past, has there been between you . er. “
I touched a fragment of broken wall, and my voice was as cold as the stones as I said: ” I do not think that what you told my husband would have made him wish to end his life.”
The doctor seemed satisfied with that answer. He laughed lightly but without mirth. ” I should not have liked to think that any words of mine …”
“You need have no qualms,” I answered.
“What you said to Gabriel was what any doctor would have said.”
” I believe it may have been a reason …”
“Do you mind if we turn back?” I asked.
“It seems to have grown colder.”
“Forgive me. I should not have brought you out. You feel cold because of the shock you have suffered. I’m afraid I’ve behaved brutally to you, discussing this … indelicate matter … just when …”
” No, you have been kind to me. But I am shocked … and I cannot believe that only this time yesterday …”
“Time will pass. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. You are so young. You will go away from here … at least I suppose you will…. You won’t stay shut away here, will you?”
” I do not know what I shall do. I have not thought about it.”
” Of course you have not. I was saying that you have your life before you. In a few years’ time this will seem like a bad dream.”
” Some bad dreams one never forgets.”
” Oh come, you must not be morbid. You are so close to tragedy that it overwhelms you. You will feel a little better to-morrow, and a little better every day.”
” You forget I have lost my husband.”
” I know, but …” He smiled and laid his hand on my arm. ” If there is anything I can do to help you …”
” Thank you. Dr. Smith. I shall remember your kindness.” ” We had returned to the grounds and walked across the front lawns in silence.
As we approached the house I looked ap at the balcony and pictured what might have happened … Gabriel, sitting on my bed, talking of the holiday we would have, making me drink my hot milk and then, when I slept, coming quietly out on to the balcony and letting him elf fall. I shivered. ” I don’t believe it; I can’t believe it. “
I did not realise that I had spoken aloud until Dr. Smith said: ” You mean you don’t want to believe it. Sometimes the two are synonymous.
Do not fret, Mrs. Rockwell. I hope you will look on me as something more than the family doctor. I have been on terms of close friendship with the Rockwells for years, and you are now a member of that family.
So do please remember that if you need my advice at any time, I shall be very happy to give it. “
I scarcely heard him; I thought the faces of the devils looked gleeful, those of the angels sad.
As I went in a feeling of desolation came over me, and I said quickly:
” Friday is still missing.”
The doctor looked blank and I realised that he had probably not heard of the dog’s disappearance, for in view of what had happened who would have thought to tell him?
” I must find him,” I went on.
I left and hurried to the servants’ hall to ask if Friday had been seen. No one had seen him. I went through the house calling him.
But there was no response.
So I had lost Gabriel and Friday . together.
At the inquest the verdict was that Gabriel had taken his life while temporarily insane, in spite of my insistence that we had been planning to go to Greece. Dr. Smith explained that he had been suffering from a weakness of the heart which depressed him. It was his opinion that his marriage had brought home to him the magnitude of his infirmity and the consequent depression had forced him to act as he had done. This seemed to be considered an adequate reason and the verdict was given without demur. I was present at the inquest although Dr. Smith had advised me against going.
“You will only distress yourself further,” he said. Ruth agreed with him. But I had quickly recovered from my shock and I found a certain resentment mingling with my sorrow. Why, I kept asking myself, were they all so certain that Gabriel killed himself?
I answered that myself How else could he have died? By accident? I tried hard to think of how it could have happened. Could he have leaned too far over the parapet and fallen? Was that possible?
It must be possible, because it was the only reasonable explanation.
Over and over again I tried to picture it. Suppose he went on to the balcony as he so frequently did. Suppose something below caught his attention. Friday! I thought excitedly What if Friday had appeared down there and he called to him and in his excitement leaned over too far?
But they had already passed their verdict and they would not have believed me. They would have called me a hysterical bride.
I had written to my father to tell him of Gabriel’s death, and he came to the funeral. I had been pleased when I heard that he was coming, believing that he would have some comfort to offer me. Childishly I had expected that my trouble might bring us closer together; but as soon as I saw him I realised how foolish I had been. He was as remote as ever.