“Sam, didn’t we do this last night?” Drew’s voice sounded tired.
“Yeah, but I mean, you said that was just the beginning, remember?”
“Sure,” he said, but he still wouldn’t look at me. He just sighed again. “You do a lot of talking, Sam. Like too much sometimes. Sometimes you gotta let your body take over instead of your mind.”
Maybe he was right. After all, he had been at this longer than I had. But I knew I wasn’t ready for sex. Not in a steamy Jetta. Not — no, not at all. Not now.
I tried again, softer this time. “It’s just, there’s so much to learn about each other. Like, tell me about the Olympics!”
“I’ve never been.”
“Yeah, but, the trials. I mean, are you gonna try out again?”
“I guess.”
“Cool!” Another silence. Ugh. “Hey, Drew?”
“Yeah?”
“There are other things besides sex that we could do.” I tried to snuggle down next to him. But now it felt like I didn’t fit there. Like I had too many limbs or something. “Do you wanna …?” I started kissing him up under his chin. He had a small scar running just under his jaw, and I touched my lips to it as tenderly as I could.
“Hey, Sam?”
“Yeah?” I whispered.
“Sorry, I’m just not feeling it so much right now, you know? Wind’s kinda sucked outta my sails,” he said.
“Yeah, okay,” I said, deflating steadily.
And then we just lay there. I pulled down my sweater because I felt stupid lying there with my stomach in the moonlight.
“Listen, I think maybe I should just take you back to the inn, okay?” Drew said.
“Sure,” I heard myself say. But I didn’t feel connected to it. I didn’t feel connected to anything anymore.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. I really didn’t want to cry. Please, Levy. Hold it together until we get back. I hoped Phoebe had her phone with her now, wherever she was. When we got to the inn, Drew pulled up outside the front, and kept the car idling.
“I had a really good time tonight,” I managed to say. “Did you?”
“Yeah.”
“I mean, I hope we can do more of what we were doing and stuff. And maybe pretty soon we can do more. I just want to get to know you more before —”
“Yeah, I get it,” he said, still looking forward.
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” But he wasn’t leaning in to give me a kiss, or stroke my hair, or anything.
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Finally, he turned to face me, but his eyes looked cold and small now.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” I said with what I hoped was a smile.
He gave a short nod.
I leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. Then I opened the car door. I wanted so badly for him to say “Stop!” or grab my arm and pull me into him, but he didn’t. He didn’t do anything. And I walked back into the inn, the world still feeling wobbly beneath my feet, but now for an entirely different reason.
There was definitely something going on. I had tried Phoebe about a hundred times when I got back to the inn last night and then again this morning. Still no answer. I hoped it wasn’t something bad with her grandma. She had been sick for a while. But Phoebe would’ve called me if something happened, right? Was there something she wasn’t telling me?
Finally, I gave up and headed out to Sugar Peak with Dad, Kathy, and Jeremy. I was not in great shape. My lips were puffy and my head was pounding and there seemed to be a lot more turns in the drive over. But this wasn’t just a hangover. This was something much heavier weighing me down.
Jeremy announced he was going to take a snow-boarding class. Dad asked if I wanted to join them for cross-country, but I said no, even though I wasn’t sure who I was going to hang out with. I seriously considered parking myself in front of the fire, but somehow it felt too sad without Margie and her interactive sweater. I strapped myself into my giant-sized boots and then got in line for the chairlift — alone.
I saw Liz and Dina and Heidi sometime later in the morning. I had just done an advanced beginner slope called Mystic Mountain or Magic Mists. Something like that. It was pretty fun, I guess. I spent a fair portion of the trip down on my butt, of course.
I recognized Liz’s furry hood first.
“Hey!” I called.
Dina turned around and smiled. “Oh, hey, Sam!”
“Sammy!” said Heidi with a big wave. Liz was busy fixing something on her skis.
“Missed you guys last night,” I said when I got close enough to actually talk instead of shout.
“Yeah, I was having fun being lazy and Miss Heidi here was busy with Nate.” Dina nudged Heidi in the ribs. But she didn’t have to. Heidi’s smile was already so big it took up her whole face.
“I thought his name was Trey.”
Heidi scrunched up her nose.
“No. Different guy,” she said. “Nate’s a bartender.”
“Okay, okay. We all know that Heidi’s gotten a lot of action. Let’s just get back to the lift, okay? Some of us are trying to do some skiing, you know,” said Liz.
“Liz thinks she saw this cute guy from our first class out here,” Dina said out of the side of her mouth. “Manhunt,” she added in a whisper. But Liz saw the whole thing.
“Listen, little Miss I-already-have-someone-I’m-so-perfect-and-cute-and-happy, just because you like to stay at home and paint your nails and talk to lover-boy on the phone, doesn’t mean that I have to sit home and watch you.” Her voice was nasal and she looked like she was biting off her words. Then she turned to me for the first time.
“How’s your brother, Sam?” she said with a sneer.
“Fine, I guess.”
“Well, I think he’s an ass.”
I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. It was just that I had never heard someone else call him that besides me. But Liz didn’t find it funny at all.
“Whatever. We gotta go. You guys ready?”
Dina rolled her eyes and Heidi mouthed “Sorry” and then the three of them were off.
Wow. Now I really missed Phoebe.
I spent most of lunch in the bathroom, avoiding Drew. He was over at a table full of people. Lots of girls, of course. I knew I wanted to say something to him, like about the importance of connecting with people before you have sex, and how I thought we really “got” each other. But would he care?
My pocket was vibrating. I pulled out my phone.
The caller ID said PHEEBS. Finally!
“Hey!”
“Sam!”
“Where have you been? Are you okay? Is it Grandma? What’s going on?!”
“I … miff … er.”
We were breaking up.
“I’ll call you right back!” I shouted, then threw open the stall door. A woman at the mirror stared at me angrily. “This is supposed to be —”
“Sorry!” I yelped, running out the door. The chalet was way too loud. I tried to find a closet or a hidden corner. Nothing. Forget it. I raced outside and dialed her number again. Yipes! It was cold without a coat on.
“’lo?”
“Pheebs?”
“Hey, Sam. How’s it going?”
“Fine! Well, not fine. But more on that later. How are you?”
“Good.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” She sounded really far away, though. And then there was a long pause. “Listen, Sam, can I — can we maybe talk later? I guess I wanted to talk to you, but … pickle.”