Pickle was our code word for somebody just walked in the room who I can’t talk in front of. It was usually one of our parents or something. It was kind of not very subtle to say “pickle” in the middle of a sentence, but — oh, well.
“Yeah, sure Pheebs. I’ll call you tonight. Okay? Or you call me.”
“Yeah, let’s talk tonight.”
“But you’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah,” she said quickly, then “Bye!” and hung up. What was that? I spent a few minutes just looking at the phone, wishing she would call back and explain. She’d never acted like this before. By the time I got back into the chalet, it was clearing out. I guessed I had missed my opportunity to talk to Drew at lunch. But he could’ve found me to talk to if he wanted. Something told me he didn’t want to, though. My stomach hurt thinking about it.
“There you are!” said Dad, coming over with Kathy. “You disappeared on us at lunch.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“Kathy saved you this turkey sandwich, if you want it,” Dad said, as Kathy reached out and handed me a bundle in a paper napkin and then smiled shyly.
“It’s pretty yummy,” she said.
“Thanks,” I said coldly. Ugh. She just wanted me to like her. Why couldn’t Drew try this hard?
“So, meet you back here, usual time?” said Dad.
“Sure,” I said.
I decided to go back to Pine Bluffs again. I actually managed to get through almost the whole trail on my feet on the first try. It felt pretty good, too. But, of course, there was nobody to share my success with. I made my way back to the lift.
“Hey, partner!” I heard behind me. It was that girl Ashley with the braids, from the night before. “How’s it going?” She gave me a hug like we were best buddies. It was a little odd, considering how Liz had treated me that morning and how funky my real best friend had just acted.
“I’m okay,” I lied. “How are you?”
“Great! Wasn’t that fun last night? Seemed like you and Drew were having a total blast.” Ugh. I guess there were two people who still said “total blast.”
“Sort of.” I moved forward so she would know that I didn’t feel like talking about it. But she slid in right next to me.
“Hey, I won’t pry. Just wanted to see if you wanted to go up together?”
“Sure.” Why not, right?
The whole way up the mountain, Ashley talked about how she’d never seen so much snow in her life. She was from a farm in Texas and the only time she had seen snow was in one of those globes that her mom brought back from a trip to Minnesota where you could turn it upside down and then watch the city sparkle with glittery flakes. She was in West Lake with her best friend, Emily, so they could learn how to ski. But Emily had woken up with a fever and chills that morning.
“Poor darlin’. I left her surrounded by a sea of tissues. Not much of a vacay, huh?” Ashley loved to abbreviate random words like that. Like I soon learned that “tote hilare” meant “totally hilarious” — one of her favorite phrases. As in “Did you see that dude in the spandex pants and the matching vest?! That was tote hilare!” Or “They serve Jell-O without cool whip on top! Isn’t that just tote hilare?!” Somehow with her southern lilt it worked. And she was the first person I’d ever met who could talk faster than me. It was fun to hear her chirp and tweet about the snow, the air, the beauty of it all.
When we got to the top of the lift and landed, she glided over to a ledge a little farther than I’d been before. Then she opened her arms and tilted her face up into the sun. “I just love it!” she sang. Her braids fell down her back, her lips smiling up into the sky. “C’mere, look at this!” she said.
I was going to tell her that I had a lot on my mind right now and maybe I would later, but she didn’t even wait for my response. “Come here!” She pulled me over to where she was standing. The whole city of West Lake lay below. And beyond that, miles and miles of mountains and plains.
“Wow,” I heard myself say.
“Yeah. Pretty phenom, huh?” she said. “Hard to find too many things wrong with the world when you see it from up here.”
She was right. Maybe I was taking myself a little too seriously. Nobody had died or anything. Phoebe was acting a little strange. I’d hear the whole story later. And I just needed to talk to Drew so we could get on the same page, too. I didn’t need this whole sex thing to ruin my good time. I vowed then and there to make the most of the day. Take in the fresh mountain air. See new bits of sky. And when we got down I would march over to Drew and I would look him square in those stunning eyes and I would say, Listen, I know that I’m not like a lot of other girls, but just give me some time. I have really kissable lips and a lot of other good qualities. Like I have a great sense of rhythm and I have 20/20 vision and I’m not bad at Ping-Pong and I can —
Okay, maybe I’d come up with something shorter.
Ashley wanted to try the Basin Trail. She said it was supposed to be intermediate level, but there weren’t too many turns and at the bottom there was a basin with a little pond and sometimes kids from the neighborhood went ice-skating there.
“We have to walk a little ways to get there, but I promise it’s supposed to be tote delish.” Sounded good to me.
We made our way to the head of the trail and pushed off. I leaned forward, bending my knees, nose pointed straight ahead.
“Woo-hoo!” I heard Ashley yell below me.
“Woo-hoo!” I yelled back, the wind whipping my face. It felt great. My legs felt solid and sturdy. I followed the trail carefully, taking in deep breaths, smelling the firs, the bark, the cold. And then we emptied out into a beautiful opening. There was a circular pond, slick and white, with a handful of kids slipping and tripping around in lopsided circles. There were two mothers standing by the side, watching.
“So cute,” sighed Ashley.
“Mmm-hmmm,” I agreed.
“They look so free,” she said.
“Yeah. Yeah.”
We stood there and just watched. It felt so good and therapeutic to see their little bodies flailing and flopping, weebling and wobbling. They were having so much fun. They didn’t care what they looked like or if they were cool or if they were supposed to be something that they weren’t. They were just being. I had a lot to learn from them. I needed to just be okay with me the way that I was.
Okay. One thing I’m not good at is waiting.
I was sitting in the living room of the inn at 11:00 that night, staring at my cell phone, which was still not ringing. Hadn’t Phoebe said that she would call me or I would call her, but that some way we would talk tonight? What was with her? I felt like I was going to go nuts just sitting in front of the fire all night. And I didn’t want to go outside and go for a walk, because I was kind of expecting another call, too, on the land line. Only it was pretty obvious at this point that that wasn’t going to happen. But I promised myself I wouldn’t give up hope. Not yet, at least.
This is what happened. That afternoon, I had seen Drew leaving the chalet just as I was returning my skis. I ran after him.
“Hey!” (Me: panting, smiling brightly, determined.)
“Hey.” (Him: blank face, eyes shifty, but still frustratingly handsome.)
“Are you on your way somewhere?” (Me: still smiling, still determined.)
“Yup.” (Him: uninterested, taking out a ChapStick.)
“Well, I’d love to talk, if you want.” (Me: trying to remember global warming, nuclear proliferation, everything else more important and sadder than this moment.)