“Sure, yeah. Listen, I’m late.” (Him: walking away.)
“Well, do you want my number maybe?” (Me: determined. Not to cry.)
“I’ll just call the inn. I’ve got the number there …” (Him: disappearing into the dark, his voice trailing off, leaving me shivering and cold.)
So I came back to the inn, crushed and hollow. Ashley asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel where she was staying and watch movies with her and Emily, but I told her I was pretty tired. Which was true. I was tired of wondering. And wishing. And waiting.
I tried Phoebe a bunch of times again before giving up and settling on the couch in the living room. It was pretty quiet there, actually. Jeremy and Aaron had gone out with some other guys to hear a local band, and Dad and Kathy had gone to bed early. There were a couple of other guests hanging around the fire and I briefly saw Eric and Phil cleaning up after supper, but besides that, I was mostly by myself, trying to figure out what I was going to say when (or if) either phone rang. So far, nothing. Except for one time I came back from the bathroom and there was a copy of Franny and Zooey on the couch where I had been sitting. I guess Eric had put it there. Which was bizarre, right? That guy was hard to figure out. I actually tried opening it and reading, but all the words kept swimming around in front of me.
11:28. The phone next to me started vibrating.
“Pheebs!”
“Hey, Sam.”
“Okay, what is going on?”
“Sorry, it’s been really busy here. You know, my cousin Amy is staying with us for a few days.” I had forgotten about that. Phoebe’s cousin Amy is really cool. She’s two years older than us and lives in Seattle and loves to go to the movies and shopping and stuff. But still, it didn’t seem like Amy would stop Phoebe from calling me.
“Well, so what have you been doing? Seen any movies or anything?” I tried to sound relaxed and chatty, but I felt like I was going to split in half, I was so uneasy.
“Not really,” she said. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing.” Two could play at that game, right? Only it felt really stupid and mean. And I was dying to tell her about everything with Drew and Liz, and Ashley, but mostly Drew. It was so horrible just sitting here in this empty space.
Please, just say something. Anything.
I heard her take in a long breath.
“Actually, Sam, I guess there is something I want to say. I was gonna talk to you about it when you got home but …” She trailed off.
“Please, Pheebs. It’s me, your best friend. What is it? Is everything okay?” Another thing I am not good at is surprises. And this one didn’t sound like tickets to the circus or a new puppy.
“Yeah. No, everything’s fine. I just wanted to say … Well, I’m really glad you said that thing the other night about being over Leo because, um …”
“Phoebe, you were so right. Even though things are not so great with Drew right now, I know that Leo is not who I should be with. I mean, there is so much more out there. Like people who can talk and laugh and — no, wait, I interrupted. Sorry. What were you saying?”
“Well, it’s just …” Another deep breath. “I’ve seen him a lot at Murphy’s the past few nights and … I kinda know that he has feelings for another girl,” she said.
“Wow!” Okay, not what I wanted to hear but I had other men to think about, right? Still, I felt my chest tighten. “How did you find that out?”
“Because he told me.”
“Well, whatever. That’s good, I guess. Do you know who it is? Is it that girl Dana? I think she got a nose job. Or is it Emma Parker, the girl from Central?”
Silence.
And it took me a few seconds, but then I knew exactly who that girl was. My words hung in the air. My mouth was still open, and my breath was really fast and loud.
“It’s me,” Phoebe mumbled. It was the softest voice, barely above a whisper. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t need her to be any louder.
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to do anything about it unless you are really over him. I mean, he told me the other night at Dave’s, and I told him I had to think about it, because I wanted to talk to you first, but then it didn’t feel right to tell you over the phone, you know? So I just tried to ignore it until you came home. But then tonight he was, like, ‘Well, what do you think?’ and I didn’t know what to say because I like him, you know we both liked him, but I would never ever do anything to jeopardize our friendship, but then the other night you said you were completely over him and then you said it again tonight, but … okay, that’s it.”
It felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. “Did you … kiss?” I asked. I knew it was immature. But I didn’t care.
“Well, no,” she said. “I mean, sort of, but —”
That was more than I needed to know, actually.
“What do you mean, sort of?! You can’t sort of kiss someone, Phoebe! Just like you can’t sort of be someone’s best friend! Which, I guess, is what you’ve been doing!”
“No, Sam! That’s not true! You are my best friend! You always have been! That’s why —”
I opened the sliding door and stepped outside so I could really scream now. It was freezing out here, but I didn’t care. I was sweating, and I could feel the blood pulsing behind my eyes.
“Yeah, well, you know what, Phoebe? Best friends don’t do things like this! They don’t go behind backs and start kissing people and lying to them over the phone —”
“I didn’t lie, Sam!”
“No! You don’t get to talk right now, Phoebe! This is my turn to talk and you’d better sit down because you know when I get going it’s gonna be a long night! I can’t believe this is happening! I can’t believe you would think that was okay! I trusted you! I told you everything!”
The tears started leaking out. More like gushing, actually. And I didn’t try to stop them. I was so mad and hurt and lost and alone. Everyone was abandoning me. First my dad, then stupid Drew, and now my best friend in the whole world. I think Phoebe was crying, too. I couldn’t really tell. But when I finally caught my breath, I could hear her making those gulpy hiccuping sounds and sniffling a lot.
“I’m gonna go,” I whimpered.
“No, wait! Sam, I’m gonna tell him I can’t see him anymore. I swear. I didn’t mean to —”
“You do whatever you want, Phoebe,” I said and closed my phone.
I pulled my sweater in tighter around me. My fingers were numb from the cold and I looked up into the sky. That wide-open infinite sky. But now I didn’t know what to ask for anymore.
The next day, I knew I looked like a train wreck — my nose and eyes were red and swollen and I had those little splotches on my cheeks that I get after a long bawl. Ashley didn’t say anything, though, she just grabbed my hand as I was picking up my skis and said, “Hey, friend. What should we do today?”
It was her last day in West Lake. Emily was still stuck in bed, and Ashley said she wanted to go on as many trails as she could before the day was through. I told her I could show her Pine Bluffs. She was game. The whole way up, she told me stories about these chickens on her farm called Lucy and Desi. They always fought with each other and pecked at each other’s feathers until they had big bald spots. And she had a dog named Echo who was part German shepherd and blind in one eye and always tried to push all the furniture into one corner of the living room.
By the time we got to the top, I wasn’t exactly laughing, but I was feeling a little lighter. And I was glad I hadn’t stayed at the inn sulking.