The warm, pliant softness of Jess's body turned to stone underneath her.
* * *
Jess wrenched her mouth away from the kiss.
Her heart pounded in her chest.
She pushed the oppressive weight off her chest and sprang off the couch.
Once free, it only took a second for Jess's brain to catch up with her wayward body.
No. Not with Kim.
Kim's stunned face looked up at her from the couch. She pushed herself back into a sitting position.
A red wave of anger flowed over Jess. Her fists clenched to her sides, she moved away from the couch.
Goddammit! One day. One day and you've already fucked it up. The reaction had become ingrained over the years. At this point, it was purely instinctive. It had nothing to do with Kim. You shouldn't be in this relationship. Kim deserves better than you.
Kim gently touched her arm. "Jess. Are you okay?"
Jess jumped. She was so intent on beating herself up, she hadn't noticed Kim approach.
Her anger drained away. She forced herself to meet Kim's gaze. Shame weighted her shoulders. "Yeah. Sorry."
Jess could see the questions in Kim's eyes but she didn't have any answers for her. At least not any she was willing to give. You have to tell her something. She's a smart woman. And don't forget a psychiatrist. A damn good one.
She offered her hand and waited for Kim to take it, then entwined their fingers. "Would you sit back down with me?"
Kim nodded. She sat down next to Jess on the couch.
Blowing out a breath, Jess tried to come up with something to say. "I'm sorry about that. You caught me by surprise. Um... I don't like to be on my back."
Kim's eyebrows shot up. She started to say something, then seemed to reconsider. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I did something that made you uncomfortable." Kim squeezed her hands. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"No. There's nothing to talk about." The lie tasted bitter in her mouth.
"All right, Jess." Kim pulled her hands back and clasped them together in her lap.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Jess knifed her fingers through her hair. "Listen, would you mind if we skipped the movie tonight?" Feeling exposed and vulnerable, Jess didn't think she could deal with Kim in her bed tonight — no matter how innocently. "I was thinking it might be better if I went ahead and drove down to San Diego tonight. It would give Sam and me more time in the stores tomorrow." Coward.
"Whatever you want." Kim hesitated. "Would you prefer I called a cab?"
What? Pain stabbed her heart that Kim would think her capable of doing something so low. "God no. Of course I don't want you to call a cab. I'll take you home."
Unsure of her reception, Jess reached out tentatively. Her hand trembled. When Kim didn't pull away, she gently cupped her cheek. She stroked Kim's face with her thumb.
Kim offered a timid smile.
Jess made a slow approach, giving Kim plenty of time to refuse the kiss. She sighed as their lips gently brushed.
"I'm so sorry," Jess whispered.
She kissed Kim again, both of them sighing into the contact.
Jess pulled back and looked deeply into Kim's soft blue eyes. "Are we okay?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"Always." Kim sealed her declaration with a gentle kiss.
CHAPTER 24
KIM WALKED TOWARD the nurses' station, chart in hand. She needed to complete Mrs. Ingram's discharge summary.
Penny smiled brightly at her as she approached. "Hi, Dr. Donovan."
Nodding distractedly, Kim set the chart on the counter. She flipped it open and began to work on her discharge note.
"Finished with your case?"
Obviously not, since I'm working on the chart. "Not quite." I should've gone into the staff lounge or Jess's office. While Penny tended to try and chat Kim up whenever she got a chance, she had been particularly persistent this morning. Kim didn't have the mental energy to fend her off today. Don't take your anxiety and insecurities out on her.
But there was a reason Kim had chosen to work at the nurses' station. She didn't want to take a chance of missing Jess — if she ever showed up. She glanced up from the chart and scanned the surrounding area — again. Where the heck is she?
Kim had not seen or spoken to Jess since their date on Saturday. In retrospect, she should have realized that Jess's need for emotional control would transfer over into her intimate encounters. But at the time, Kim had not been thinking at all.
After the incident on Jess's couch, a myriad of questions had swirled through her mind over the remainder of the weekend. The big unanswered question was what or rather who had hurt Jess so deeply. None of the answers she came up with were pleasant ones. Panic had been clearly evident on Jess's face when she bolted from the couch. Jess's need to be in control obviously stemmed from a trauma much deeper than a bad breakup.
Now, on their first day back at work, Jess was nowhere to be found. Not finding Jess in her office when she arrived, Kim had asked Penny if she had seen her. Apparently Jess had been in the department before she arrived and then left. Penny didn't know where she had gone, only that Dr. Franklin was covering for her. Jess was frequently absent from the department for meetings, but as far as Kim knew she had nothing scheduled for this morning. The longer Jess was absent from the ER, the more Kim's anxiety escalated. Did she change shifts so she didn't have to work with me? Memories of Anna floated through her mind. She bit her lip when an even worse possibility occurred to her. Has she changed her mind about us?
Kim was brought back to the here and now when someone stepped close, well into her personal space. Hope flared for an instant, then vanished. Without looking, she knew it wasn't Jess. The tingling sensation on the nape of her neck that always signaled Jess's presence was missing. She stepped to the side, away from whoever it was. She turned to find Penny.
"Hey, Dr. Donovan," Penny said with an exuberant smile. "Didn't mean to startle you."
Penny was still standing too close for Kim's comfort. She moved back a step. "What can I do for you, Penny?" she asked, making sure to keep her tone and manner professional.
The smile on Penny's face faltered a bit. "Could I talk to you?" Her gazed darted around the nurses' station. "Alone."
A warning bell sounded loud and clear. Now what? She had a feeling whatever Penny wanted she wasn't going to like it. Kim now realized her repeated excuses to avoid accepting Penny's off-hand invitations to lunch had been a mistake. As was her hope that Penny would get over what seemed like a school girl crush. She should have just told her, thanks, but no thanks, right from the start.
"Sure. Why don't we go into the lounge?" No way was she going to be alone with Penny in Jess's office. She really did not want to alienate the woman. Penny was an integral part of the smooth running of the ER, and Kim was sure Penny could make her life miserable if she put her mind to it.
"Great," Penny said, an expectant smile on her face. "Come on." She reached for Kim's hand.
Shit! Acting as if she had not seen the gesture, Kim snapped her fingers and then spun back toward the counter. "Forgot my chart." She grabbed the chart off the counter and hugged it to her chest like a shield.
* * *
Penny held open the door to the lounge for Kim.
Looking around as she stepped inside, Kim was disappointed to find the lounge empty. Time to face the music. "What did you want to talk to me about?" She walked over to the couch that rested against the back wall. Kim intentionally bypassed the round table in the center of the room. The chairs could be pulled too close together. She sat down on one end of the couch and placed her chart on the center cushion. Her hand rested on the chart to keep Penny from moving it.