Now he is upset. Now his eyes are red. But he doesn’t break down the way I have because his protective walls are thick. “Don’t you dare say we shouldn’t have slept together, Blythe. Don’t you dare.”
I ignore him. “But if attaching yourself to her is what you need—if she’s what you need—to be okay, then I would never try to take that from you.”
He speaks softly, and each word stings to all hell. “She is what I need. We’re compatible, and it’s good for me. It’s what I can handle.”
“Compatible? Is that all you’re looking for in life? You don’t sound even like you’re following your heart.”
“Not every choice has to be governed by emotion.”
I wipe my eyes. Chris takes a step toward me, but I put out my hands and stop him.
“No, don’t touch me. I can’t take it. Please. I just can’t. I’m not going to see you again, I know that, but I can’t say good-bye to you. How can I?” I am so consumed with sadness, I can barely see. “How can I possibly say good-bye to the person I am so hopelessly, deeply, and permanently in love with? Because I love you, Chris. I do. I will always be in love with you, even though you’ll never love me back. You have been my sanctuary this year. You saved me. Do you know that? You saved me. And I wish that you would let me save you.” I don’t want him to have the chance to say anything else. I can’t bear any more of this. I walk to the door. “I really thought good things were coming for us, Chris. I believed. The irony here is that when you saved me, you made me strong enough so that I won’t go back to the dark world I used to live in. Even though you just ripped out my heart. Chris. Oh God, Chris.”
Despite whatever else has happened in my life, I have never felt this type of loss.
I look at him for what feels like the last time. “You are the great love of my life that I’m never going to have.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR Strong Enough
Even after what happened with Chris last night, I am still looking forward to the graduation ceremony. This is a hard day for so many reasons, but it is also a glorious one. I have started to rebuild my life. I have Annie and James, I have an internship, and I have a house to live in. I have a lot more than most people. Best of all, I still have Sabin, Estelle, and Eric. It’s going to be a horrible transition to not have their near-constant presence in my daily life. I’ve come to depend on them all so much, and I’ll have to remind myself that while I am losing them in some ways, I am holding on to them in so many others.
The Chris situation is entirely different, and it will make staying in touch with the others harder. I wish I could keep them separate from him in my thoughts, but it’s impossible. I’ll just have to do my best.
During the ceremony, my eyes feel heavy. Sleep was more than elusive last night, and I am exhausted, but I make sure to pay attention to every detail so that I don’t forget anything. I listen to the speeches, to the music, and to the roar of the crowd. I talk to the graduates on either side of me, grateful that, thanks to alphabetical seating, Chris is nowhere in my sight. When it’s my turn to cross the stage and take my diploma, I can hear my friends screaming and cheering for me. I turn and see Sabin standing on a chair and waving like crazy. As I’m walking down the aisle to return to my seat, a hand reaches out and touches my robe. My academic adviser, Tracey.
Impulsively, I throw my arms around her. “I did it.”
“Yes, you did. I’ve been watching you. Three-point-eight GPA this semester? Not shabby at all. You look wonderful. Good for you, sweetheart. Now, go. Enjoy your day.” She smiles broadly and pushes me back into the crowd.
I watch Christopher graduate, realizing this is it. Our time is up. We won’t have a good-bye because that would be intolerable.
I watch in awe when the air above me fills with graduation caps, representations of our collective accomplishment that soar over us. It might have happened late in the game, but I have to admit, it’s great feeling part of something larger. Being able to fit into a world outside of myself is more rewarding than I could have dreamed. While I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life exactly, where I might be in five or ten years, I am better positioned to figure that out than I was at the start of senior year. The depression that swallowed me back then is nearly incomprehensible now. I won’t go back there no matter what. My life has taken a drastic turn in the right direction.
The downfall of shaking depression, though, is that I can feel the letdowns harder.
Later that evening, I have dinner with Annie and James, and Annie gives me a top-of-the-line laptop as a graduation present. I insist that it’s way too much, but she in turn insists that she has no children of her own, so the least I can do is let her spoil me when she wants to. I agree to the emotional spoiling, but the financial is less easy, although I am very grateful for the new computer. James shyly gives me a pair of earrings. He’s concerned that I won’t like them because, since he and his girlfriend are no longer together, he had to pick them out on his own. I adore them. The three of us are going to be a good team, I know that, but I’ll miss the Shepherd crowd. The inevitable distance between us has already arrived.
Returning to my dorm room for the evening is brutal. Nearly everything of mine is gone from the room except for my suitcases and futon. Chris is going to help Estelle move my bed into storage after I’m gone tomorrow morning, and she’ll have it for the fall semester of her junior year. Sabin has his license back, and he’s going to drive me to the airport, where I’ll meet Annie and James. I can’t think of anyone better to send me off than my first friend here.
Just as I’m getting flooded with loneliness, the door flies open and Estelle, Eric, and Zach barrel in.
“You’re here!” Estelle says happily. “I was afraid Sabin had you off partying your last night away.”
“Nope. Low-key tonight. I don’t need a hangover for the flight.”
“You ready?” Eric asks.
I shake my head. “No. I don’t know … Maybe. ”
We are all looking at one another, knowing this will be the last time we’ll be together like this. Yes, we’ll see one another again, but it won’t be the same. Things are going to change. They already have. I hate good-byes; I really do. I’ve never had to deal with them in this way, and there are no right words that I can think of to tell them how much they mean to me.
“Let’s not draw this out,” I finally say. “This is going to suck, so let’s get it over with.”
“Short and sweet?” Zach offers.
“Yes,” I say. “Make it quick.”
Zach steps in and hugs me. “I know how much you’re hurting. You’re tough, though, and it’s going to be all right.” He kisses me on the cheek and then goes to leave. “I’ll be outside.”
“Bye, Zach.” I wave. I won’t allow more tears.
Estelle reaches into her giant purse that is barely containing the mess of stuff she is carrying around. She hands me a wrapped present. “This is from us. All of us.”
“Oh, you guys didn’t have to get me anything.”
“You just graduated from college. Of course we did. This is a big day, and we’re proud of you.” Eric sighs. “We love you so much.”
I unwrap the box and have to bite my cheek so that I don’t burst into tears.
“This … this was our mother’s,” Eric says shakily. “She wore this necklace all the time. She had a letter charm for each of our names. C, S, E, and E. And we got you a B. You’re one of us. No matter what.”
Estelle groans. “He means no matter what kind of stupid asshole Chris is.”