“Holy shit, Grant, it’s beautiful!” She swiftly walks to the railing that overlooks the lake below.
“I know, sometimes I sit out here at night and just absorb it.” I walk up behind her, placing my arms on either side of her small frame, locking her in.
She turns toward the rocking chair in the corner. How on earth did she notice that with all her excitement? She goes over, obviously eager to sit in it. As she rocks back and forth with a cheesy grin on her face, I can’t help but picture my mom rocking while she was pregnant with me. Then my mind drifts further into the future. I picture Jessa rocking there with a full belly, her hand on her stomach and me walking through the door and rushing over to kiss her. A feeling of bliss hits me like a Mack truck and love washes over me fast. Shit, I did it…I fell in love with her.
“What are you staring at?” She playfully questions while she continues rocking, crossing her legs on the chair.
“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head. The look she gives me when she slowly rises and walks toward me tells me that she’s not going to let this one go.
“What is it, Grant?” she softly asks, brushing her hand on my arm.
How did I let this happen? I can’t love her. I won’t let myself go through that heartache again. She looks up at me and her eyes reflect the moon, making the specks of grey more noticeable now. Her short blonde hair has grown longer. A bobby pin keeps the longer stands out of her eyes, the same eyes that are pleading with me right now to be honest with her. She knows exactly what I’m thinking and she wants me to say it, but I can’t. The words are lodged in my throat, held hostage by the fear that if I admit them, it will end. I brought her up here to make her feel special, to make her tell me what happened to her, and to let her know that I couldn’t give a shit what that jackass did to her, but somehow this spun back toward me.
“I said nothing.” I shake my head again.
“Okay,” she whispers and backs away from me. I stand still, my eyes following her as she makes her way to the railing again. The look of disappointment doesn’t go unnoticed and I wish I could reveal everything. Let her know why I can’t take the chance again.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’ve never felt like this. I loved Lizzy, I know I did. So why do these feelings flowing through my body now seem so foreign?
“Jessa,” I say and she quickly turns around, but not before I see the tears in her eyes. Shit, I made her cry. That was never my intention.
Taking determined steps, I walk toward her and instinctively pull her into me. She starts to weep in my arms, and I pull back to wipe the tears on her cheek with my thumb. “Don’t cry, Jessa,” I plead.
“I’m sorry…it’s just, there’s something I need to tell you. If you only knew, Grant,” she sniffles. I don’t know if she’s talking about the pictures or not.
“I do,” I honestly say and she pushes away from me, fear replacing the tears in her eyes.
“No, you don’t,” she says determinedly, as if she already knows the truth but doesn’t want to admit it. I wasn’t going to tell her I found out, but rather wait for her to share it with me. I can’t keep this kind of secret from her. She deserves to know, even if it’ll hurt. “You…can’t.” She is now five steps away from me, and as much as I want to grab her, I know she needs space right now.
I nod my head in confirmation and she cries harder before running through the back door.
“Jessa!” I scream. When I get into the room, the front door is wide open and she’s gone. Shit, this isn’t what I expected to happen tonight. I’m such an ass…why didn’t I just tell her that I love her?
Jessa
I need to breathe so I start to run. It’s dark, cold, and wet out, but it helps me remember to let the air in and out of my lungs. The street is slippery, so I move to the snow and suddenly my socks and the bottom of my pants are soaked. I spot the lake and turn to run toward it. Slowing my pace, I stop at the edge, admiring the way the moon shines down across the lake. It’s so beautiful and instantly reminds me of Colorado. I sit down on the snowy ground and my ass gets wet, but I don’t care. At least it makes me think of something else besides Grant knowing what I did.
The cold wind chills me so I hold my legs up to my chest, shielding myself from it. Jason was nothing like Grant. Right from the start, I knew he wasn’t the one. It’s funny how he had such a similar appearance, but was so different inside. Jason came from the perfect family. His parents were still married and he had a sister and a dog, the whole package wrapped up in a nice big house with a wrought iron fence and security system in place. We had a lot in common, our families both had money, and we were both naïve to the outside world. Well, at least I was.
That night still haunts me. I remember lying under him and the flash blinding my vision in the dark room. His hands slowly unbuttoning my pants while light flickered down. The enjoyment on his face and how happy it was making him. I worried about the chance of them being shared, but I trusted him. He never gave me a reason not to. His soft touches turning into hard grasps. It wasn’t long before all I saw were fuzzy dots from the constant flashes. I never knew how many he took, but I guess he only picked the best ones.
The more I saw him getting turned on, the hotter it made me, and soon I was partaking as much as he was. Straddling him, I took the phone and snapped a few pictures myself. I had just cut and dyed my hair that night; I should’ve noticed myself changing already at that point. Jason didn’t like it and thought it was too drastic, telling me I lost my “soft beauty”. Part of me wonders if I agreed to take the pictures just to please him.
When we finished, he took me in his arms and as always, I felt safe. I thought we were on our way to our happily ever after. But life threw me a curve ball and hit me square in the back.
He exposed me and ruined not only my reputation, but my parents as well. Destroying all of us in one fell swoop of his phone. I tried to go back to school that semester, but the rumors being whispered behind my back and the constant offers I received from guys who wanted their own shot at taking pictures with me became too much.
Most of my friends deserted me, except for Beth. She loyally stayed by my side and how did I thank her? I left town and never contacted her again. We’d been roommates since our sophomore year and she was my best friend. She’s the one who dragged me off my knees that night and pushed me into a car, screaming at Jason. She’s the one who told me what Jason did with clear compassion in her voice.
Beth begged me to stay, telling me I should never run away from my problems. But that incident turned me into someone else. I know she kept up with my sister and parents for awhile, but after the hospital stay from depression and attempted suicide, it slowly faded. Sam told me she’s seen her around campus a few times and she’s happy I’m doing better. Since my parents and I didn’t tell Sam right away where I was going to school on the off chance she’d let it slip, it’s up to me now to contact Beth. Since Boulder isn’t that far, maybe I should try when I go to see my parents next week.
As I contemplate this in my head, I hear his footsteps approaching and I sigh, thinking of the horrible conversation I’m going to have with a man I’ve grown to love.
Chapter 11
Grant
There she is…finally. I’ve been through all these hills, but never checked the lake. She glances up as I approach, my footsteps crunching as I make my way across the snow. I hand her her jacket and she puts it on. Hesitantly, I take a seat next to her. I know from her shutters of breath that she’s still calming down. I prop my legs up, resting my arms on top of them and stare out at the lake. The sky is a little cloudy, so the stars aren’t as bright as they are in summertime, but it’s still a beautiful scene. It’s even more of an overwhelming sight with Jessa here.