“Nothing to talk about, Grant. Good luck on your paper,” she sarcastically says from the other side of the door.
“I’m sorry, Jessa,” I respond, leaning against her door.
“Fucked it up, didn’t you?” Brady walks down the steps from his room. “What happened?” he asks.
“I’m a shithead,” I admit, knocking again for her. “Please, Jessa, just open up the door.”
“Tried to run?” Brady confirms. The way he knows me, you’d never think we haven’t been friends for the past six years.
“No…just needed space.”
“Same thing. Come on downstairs with me,” he says, placing his arm around my shoulders, leading me away from the door. “SADIE!” he shouts upstairs. “Grant fucked up, can you talk to Jessa?”
I don’t hear Sadie’s response, but hear footsteps walking above me, signaling she heard. Brady leads me down to the music room in the basement. He grabs two waters from the mini-fridge and makes his way over to the couch. Soon, Trey and Dex make their way down too. I didn’t realize this was going to turn into ‘Operation Fix Grant’s Fuck-up’.
“I warned you, Grant. If Jessa’s upset, Sadie’s upset. If Sadie’s upset, I’m upset. What do you have to do to fix it?” he asks, while leaning back into the couch.
“It really wasn’t a big deal. She asked me to spend the night and I told her I had a paper to finish.”
“First off, it’s a big deal if she isn’t talking to you. Second, why would you not want to spend the night with her?” Trey chimes in, pulling two beers out of the fridge. He tosses one to Dex before turning his attention back to me. “I’ve been rooting for you guys this whole time, but you have to get your shit together,” he says, sitting down.
“I’ve got it together,” I tell him, standing up. “Listen, I appreciate this whole intervention thing, but if I’m going to solve the problem, I have to get up there.” I point my finger upstairs to where she is.
“Oh, you have at least twenty minutes,” Dex says. “Sadie’s with her, and everything you did or didn’t do will be picked apart and searched like it’s evidence at a crime scene,” he laughs and Trey joins in.
“You could be fucked after that discussion,” Brady jokes, but I see no humor in this whole situation. All I want to do is march up those stairs and convince her what a scared asshole I was.
The boys and I sit around for another five minutes bull-shitting about girls they’re either seeing or fucking. I stand up, unable to take it any longer. “There you go, boy. Get your girl,” Trey shouts up the stairs and I hear the room I just left fill with laughter.
Her door is shut so I lightly knock. Surprisingly, it opens this time with Sadie in the doorway.
“Last time,” she whispers, squeezing my forearm and walking downstairs.
Jessa’s lying on her stomach on the bed when I walk in, staring at her phone.
“Jessa,” I say, joining her on the bed. She doesn’t pick up her head so I continue. “I’m sorry. I’ve been an ass…again. This is hard for me, but I’m trying my best. As fucked up as I am, I do love you. I’m not trying to hurt you. I just don’t know what the hell I should do.”
“You know what you should do, Grant?” She gets on her knees and faces me, staring into my eyes. The red, puffy hazel ones I see punch me in the gut. “Let me in,” she says, clearly angry. “Do you have any idea what it took for me to open up to you?” I know I can’t fault her for being mad. She’s right.
“It’s hard for me, Jessa. I didn’t have a great example of how to show your feelings like you did,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm.
“Grant, do you love me?” she asks. The fact that she might be doubting my love for her makes me want to kick my own ass.
“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it,” I assure her.
“Then please. Let. Me. In.” She scoots my way, placing her hands over mine.
“I’m trying, really I am. Please, just have some patience with me,” I plead with her.
“Okay, Grant, but never do that to me again,” she says. “Never make me doubt you again. I felt as though this whole weekend was just another reason to get in my pants. I know I have my own insecurities, but don’t play me.” She climbs into my lap.
“Believe me, Jessa, I’m not playing you,” I honestly answer her. “Not even close.”
Jessa
I let him hold me in his arms. Although he’s still keeping so much of himself hidden from me, I can’t help the feeling of safety and security he brings over me. It just scares me that his hesitation in sharing means he isn’t as vested in this relationship as I am. He starts kissing behind my ear, knowing it drives me crazy. The chills move fast across my body, but I refuse to have sex with him tonight. I have to guard myself too, and I’m not going to let him use me like Jason did.
He lays me down on my bed and starts to kiss me. “I promise, Jessa, I love you,” he murmurs against my lips. I’m nestled between his arms as he lies on top of me, giving me short kisses along my jaw and chin. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers. “So much that I can’t believe your mine.” His tongue licks down my throat and his hands start roaming up my shirt.
“Glad to see you were able to talk yourself back into her bed,” Dex teases, walking past the door. Grant gets up to shut the door.
“Mind your own business, Dex,” he shouts.
“Shut your fucking door,” he yells back, and Grant laughs, slamming the door shut before coming back to me.
By the time he gets to the bed, I know in my heart that I can’t let this go any longer. I wish I could give him the time he wants, but I can’t continue to put my heart on the line without him doing the same.
“Grant,” I sigh, staring at him with pleading eyes, “I’m sorry. I’m trying, but it terrifies me that I’m just going to get hurt again. That one day you’ll walk away from me and I’ll be crushed.” I sit up, crossing my legs. He sits down on the edge of the bed, resting his head in his hands.
“I’m terrified of the same thing,” he reveals to me. “My past, Jessa, it’s not something I like to talk about. I’ve failed people, people I loved.” He doesn’t lift up his head and I place my hand on his shoulder, hoping it will encourage him to continue.
“Grant, you can tell me. I love you and nothing will change that,” I say sympathetically.
He remains still and quiet, and I wonder if he’s ever going to trust me enough to share his secrets. The silence in the room starts to make it feel small and confined. He picks his head up and studies my face before placing his palm on my cheek. The puddles of water that have formed in his eyelids are evident, and I suddenly fear that this might be something I won’t be able to handle. Not to mention, it might break the man I love in the process.
“Promise me, Jessa? Promise you won’t leave me when you hear it,” he asks of me quietly, and I nod my head.
“Never,” I promise him, reaching my hand up to meet his. I tangle our fingers together and hold them in my lap, scooting next to him.
He takes a deep breath and I notice he’s summoning every ounce of courage he has to divulge this. I squeeze his hand harder and he finally looks at me. His blue eyes find mine and he begins speaking with sadness. “You know my mom died when I was fourteen.” I nod and slowly rub my other hand on top of our joined hands.
“It was a long and painful sickness for her. She was first diagnosed when I was ten. My mom used to wait for me at the bus stop and walk me home after school, asking about my day. A snack would be waiting for me, and I sat and did my homework while she would make dinner. After she got sick, things changed. I started walking home alone, letting myself in the house. I’d grab a snack and head to my room alone, because she was usually in bed, either sick or asleep. A few times I came home to find her on the floor of the bathroom with her head in the toilet. Mrs. Carsen would take her back and forth to chemo, and sometimes Brady would take the bus home with me and his mom would make dinner for my dad and me.” He pauses, taking another deep breath, and my heart breaks for him.