“She beat it though, and my dad took us on vacation to celebrate. Just like that, I had my life back again. She was happy, my dad was happy, we were all happy. Then a year later, it came back, and devastation doesn’t even come close to describing the way we felt. My mom quickly spun into a depression, but after about a month, she became optimistic that she’d beat the fucking disease again. But eventually, she ended up in a hospital bed in our family room anyway.
I remember coming home from school and the nurse would have a snack ready for me and I would eat it by her bed, talking about my day. She always seemed so hopeful that she would get better and everything would go back to normal again. Since she believed it, I did too. About a month before she died, I noticed a shift in her though. She finally gave herself up to the cancer. She wasn’t angry anymore, but seemed content instead. I pulled away, unable to accept the fact that she was ultimately going to die. I would retreat to my room a lot, or go over to Brady’s. Anything not to deal with the inevitable future.” He shakes his head with obvious regret.
“You were young, Grant,” I console him, willing my tears back. I need to be strong for him right now.
“It doesn’t make it right. I lost so much time with her because I was so fucking selfish.” He pulls his hand away, but I grab it back. He looks at me, surprised, and I’m starting to see why he’s always so guarded with his feelings.
“You don’t have to finish…” He cuts me off by placing his finger to my lips.
“It’s okay, you deserve to know. So…it was Saturday and I wanted to go to this birthday party. I knew her time was coming. She’d become frail and weak, barely conscious some of the time. Mostly she slept in the bed, and the nurses came in and out, taking care of her. My dad told me he didn’t want me to go, that he wanted me to stay at home, but I pushed to go anyway. Eventually, my mom told him to take me so my dad got his keys. He kissed my mom’s forehead goodbye and we left. I only gave my mom a wave from the doorway.” He wipes a tear from his eye. “No ‘I love you’ or goodbye kiss…just a fucking wave from the doorway.”
“I’m sure she understood, Grant. You can’t beat yourself up.” I release his hand, wrapping my arms completely around his shoulders.
“I went to the party,” he continues, completely disregarding my words. “Mrs. Carsen picked me and Brady up. She brought us back to the house and we arrived right as the ambulance was taking her away on the stretcher, her body covered by a white sheet. I ran screaming but my dad caught me before I could get to her. The startled paramedics loaded her into the ambulance, and I watched it drive away, no lights or sirens needed. I cried in my dad’s arms while he whispered for me to calm down.
After that day, my dad and I slowly drifted apart. She purposely overdosed while we were gone. He blamed me from that day forward, and for good reason. If I hadn’t been so selfish, who knows how many more days we would’ve had with her?”
“God no, Grant. Don’t think that. She knew you loved her and she loved you,” I say, desperate to assure him.
“I know that now. She didn’t have much longer and I know she felt she was delaying the inevitable. She feared she was becoming a burden, but it still doesn’t change anything.” He stares down at the ground and won’t look at me, so I get down and kneel on the floor.
“Look at me,” I tell him, placing my head right under his with my hands on his knees. Not knowing what to do, I get up and straddle him, placing his face between my hands. “Grant, she wouldn’t want you to suffer anymore. You were suffering right along with her. She loved you more than she loved herself. She wanted to end your pain. Those letters she left you, that’s her goodbye to you. She loved you so much that she took the time to make sure she would stay with you throughout all these years.” His eyes are empty and I worry I made a mistake, forcing him to relive the worst moment of his life.
“Don’t leave me,” he requests, and his blue eyes have a speck of life back in them.
“Stand up,” I instruct and he stands on his feet. I unbutton and unzip his pants, pulling them down his legs. He steps out of them while I grab his shirt, pushing it over his head. I quickly strip down and pull the corner of my comforter down. After I crawl under the covers wearing only my bra and underwear, I wait for him to join me. Once he’s in my bed, I wrap him in my arms, slowly moving my hands down his arms and back. “I’m not going anywhere, Grant. You never have to worry about that,” I whisper to him. We stay like that until we eventually get drowsy and fall asleep.
Chapter 1 4
Grant
We haven’t spent a night apart since we left the cabin and I have to admit, I’m starting to need her next to me at night. We’re all getting ready to go away for spring break this week. I had to take some money out of my savings account in order to take the time off work, but it’s worth it to be with Jessa. I briefly wonder how she’ll do, going back to her hometown, but so far she appears unfazed by it.
Brady’s house is bustling with activity by the time I arrive. Dex throws a duffle bag down the stairs as he yells, “Watch out below!” and I swiftly step over it, heading up to see Jessa.
I find her packing and I scoop her up into my arms. “Hey, babe,” I say, kissing her neck.
“Hi…I’m so excited,” she exclaims. “A week of skiing and my family. Prepare to be annihilated on the slopes,” she jokes.
“Really? You do remember I was on the ski team in high school?” I remind her and she playfully smacks my shoulder.
“Sorry, babe, but those were hills. We’re talking mountains. You don’t stand a chance.” She continues to throw stuff into her suitcase. There’s another difference between the two of us. My clothes are neatly packed, already in order of when I’m going to wear them, while Jessa’s case is in complete disarray.
“You want to make a wager?” I cock my eyebrow up to her.
“What do you have in mind?” She comes up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“Well…” I scrunch up my lips, staring up at the ceiling as though I am contemplating. “How about whoever gets to the bottom of the slope first goes without any undergarments on the night when I take you out to dinner,” I propose.
“Deal,” she says, sealing it with a kiss. “Prepare to keep those boxer briefs in the suitcase,” she laughs.
“Let’s go you two.” Trey knocks on the door and then stomps down the stairs.
We arrive at the airport with plenty of time to spare. While Jessa calls her parents to let them know when we’ll get there, I go into the gift shop to purchase some magazines. The girl behind the counter reminds me of someone, but I can’t place her. She’s short and petite like Jessa, but has strawberry blonde hair. Her eyes travel up and down my body, and I don’t miss the sly smile that crosses her lips when I walk up. I can’t shake the feeling that I know her somehow, but her name tag reads ‘Kim’ and it’s not ringing any bells.
“Hey,” she says in a familiar voice.
“Hi,” I respond, laying the magazines on the counter.
“It’s been awhile,” she continues and I turn as if to see whether someone’s behind me, but I know there isn’t.
“I’m sorry, do I know you?” I ask, hesitant to receive the answer.
“Am I that forgettable? You seemed to know my name when you screamed it over and over again that night,” she whispers to me, leaning over the counter. Instantly, I look side to side to make sure Jessa isn’t anywhere around.
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember you. Are you sure you aren’t mistaking me for someone else?” I ask, hoping this is a case of mistaken identity.