“I did for a while, but now…I know what I felt for her might’ve seemed like love, but it wasn’t the ever after kind. You gave me that, Jessa,” he finishes and kisses the top of my head. I can’t hide my happiness as I stare up at his blue eyes that are filled with sorrow but also love…love for me.
Grant
God, it’s such a relief that it’s all out there. No more secrets. Jessa knows everything, and she seems okay with it. I turn off the light and wrap my body around hers. She sighs slightly, and when I hear her faint breathing, I know she’s asleep. I wish I could sleep. You’d think I’d be able to, knowing I’m not keeping anymore secrets from her. Sure, I held back the part where I searched every nearby town for three months after Lizzy left. Or how I was able to sweet talk the lady at the phone company to give me her call logs. I chased all those leads, leaving me with nothing before they went cold completely, and I assumed she’d ditched her phone for a new one.
But Jessa doesn’t need to hear those details. They don’t matter, because I love her. I love her so much more than I ever loved Lizzy. Looking back, Lizzy was a love I was desperate for, not a love I necessarily desired. I just wanted someone to love me, and since Lizzy had so many problems at home, I think I liked being her savior. The feeling of someone needing me made me feel as though I mattered. Of course, the disadvantage to feeling that way is that I was reduced to nothing when she left. How does someone who supposedly loves you so much just up and leave, tearing your heart to shreds?
As much as it killed me when Lizzy left, holding Jessa in my arms reconfirms that it all happened for a reason. It lead me here, with Jessa. I hope Lizzy’s happy with whatever life she’s built for herself, but I need to let her go. If Jessa and I are truly going to make it, I have to release the guilt I’ve been carrying around for these past few years.
I slip my arm out from under Jessa and stand up to make my way to the kitchen. When I turn the corner, I’m surprised to find Brady leaning against the counter. He looks disheveled and worried with his head resting in one hand, while the other twirls a beer bottle around in a circle.
“What are you doing up, man?” I ask him, walking toward the fridge. I grab a bottle of water and lean against the counter across from him.
“Couldn’t sleep,” he answers, not bothering to look up.
“Why not?” I ask and he finally lifts his head. The agony in his eyes is clear.
“I could ask you the same thing,” he says, cocking an eyebrow at me.
“Yeah, but I asked first,” I joke and he gives me an empty laugh.
“You got me there,” he says before adding, “I think it’s time, and I’m kind of freaking out.”
“You lost me, time for what?” I twist the lid off and let the cool water flow down my throat.
“Time to propose to Sadie. I bought the ring a month ago, but haven’t had the nerve to do it.” He starts peeling the label off his full beer bottle.
“You guys are awesome together. I thought you got through all that bullshit?” To say Sadie and Brady’s path to love was hard is an understatement, but they made it. I don’t know what to think now. If Brady’s worried about the two of them, what am I supposed to think about me and Jessa? They were my example of how-to-make-it-to-forever-land.
“What if I end up like one of them? I would never forgive myself for doing that to Sadie.”
“Brady, we aren’t our parents. You have to stop thinking we’ll turn into them. They made their mistakes, and we’ll probably make ours, but not necessarily the same ones. You love Sadie, right?” I ask, already knowing his answer. It’s most likely the same way I feel for Jessa.
“More than my next breath.” A smile spreads across his lips, just thinking about her.
“Then let it go. Love her and let her love you. The rest will fall into place,” I tell him, and before Brady can say something smart-ass, I already realize I should take my own advice.
“Pretty good advice there, Mr. Unemotional,” he teases. Straightening up, he pours out his beer in the sink before disposing of the bottle.
“I’m like a teacher, except I can’t seem to take my own advice,” I admit and he chuckles.
“You’re getting there. Did you tell her yet?” The look in his eyes makes me thankful that I can give him the answer he wants to hear.
“Yeah…she knows everything now. No more secrets.”
“Good, that’s the way it should be. Now just love her, and more importantly, let her love you.” He clasps his hand on my shoulder and walks out of the room.
I finish my water at the breakfast table, loving the fact that Jessa and I are finally on the same page. For the first time since before Lizzy entered my life, I feel ready. Ready to give myself over to someone else entirely. Who am I kidding though? Jessa’s held my heart since that kiss on New Year’s Eve. It was only a matter of when she was going to get the rest of me.
Standing up to leave the kitchen, I’m thrown off guard when I see Trey sneaking in the front door. The smirk across his face tells me he finally scored with Kailey. “Hey, man,” he whispers as he walks in.
“Hey, Trey. Kailey?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Yeah, man, she has me all screwed up.” He sits down on the stool I just occupied, and I sigh, feeling obligated to join him. Walking over to the fridge, I grab another water and toss it to him. “Thanks,” he says.
“So, why does she have you so screwed up?” I ask him, leaning against the counter.
“She hasn’t slept with me yet,” he tells me, unscrewing his bottle cap. I can’t figure out the look on his face, but it almost seems like sadness.
“Okay, we only have two more nights before we’re back in Western,” I remind him. In the short time I’ve known Trey, I’ve realized that he isn’t a relationship guy. I wasn’t either…until Jessa. Then it dawns on me. “Shit, are you fucking kidding me? Trey Michaels is falling?” my voice raises and Trey pushes his arms down in the air, silently telling me to quiet down.
“I might have already fallen.” His head lies low while he’s twirling the bottle around. Why do I feel like the one who has his shit together tonight? First Brady and now Trey. Who would’ve ever thought I would be the one with no drama? My only problem right now is that I want to be in bed with Jessa. Instead, I’m stuck out here giving advice. But hey, God only knows it’s time to give back for all the advice I’ve needed recently.
“Do you think she feels the same?” I ask him. From his expression, you would assume no.
“I honestly don’t know. That’s why I’m so fucked up. When I touch her, she shivers. She never pulls away when I grab her hand, and when I put my arm around her shoulders, she melts into me. But when I tried to kiss her, she stopped me and said she has too much going on in her life right now, and that she can’t get involved with someone. I’ll admit that when this started, I just thought she was hot and I wanted to fuck her. Now, only four short days later, my head is all over the place,” he finishes. I admire him for being so forthcoming. I’ve never been able to be that open with anyone, not even Brady. He’s just known me so long, he’s able to read my facial expressions and body movements.
“Give her time. Remember, it’s only been four days,” I attempt to assure him, but I know how he feels. I was right there with Jessa, especially when I had to see her with Rob.
“I just wish I could shake her from my mind.” He shakes his head back and forth, biting the corner of his lip in apparent thought. “I think I’ll go get a tattoo tomorrow. That should calm me.” His face lights up just thinking about it. “Speaking of which?” He smirks up at me, and I instantly know she’s told him.
“Jesus, does she tell you everything?” I chuckle. Normally, I would’ve been upset for my girlfriend to have such a close relationship with another guy, but if Jessa was going to get together with Trey, it would’ve already happened. It took me a little while to get used to how close they are, but over time, I’ve gotten better with it.