“What?” Miller said at the same time Shaddid said, “You’re not supposed to talk about that.”
Dawes raised an arm toward Shaddid in the Belt’s physical idiom of telling someone to be quiet. To Miller’s surprise, she did as the OPA man said.
“We have Holden. He and his crew didn’t die, and they are or are about to be in OPA custody. Do you understand what I’m saying, Detective? Do you see my point? I can do this investigation because I have the resources to do it. You can’t even find out what happened to your own riot gear.”
It was a slap. Miller looked at his shoes. He’d broken his word to Dawes about dropping the case, and the man hadn’t brought it up until now. He had to give the OPA operative points for that. Added to that, if Dawes really did have James Holden, there was no chance of Miller’s getting access to the interrogation.
When Shaddid spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle.
“There were three murders yesterday. Eight warehouses got broken into, probably by the same bunch of people. We’ve got six people in hospital wards around the station with their nerves falling apart from a bad batch of bathtub pseudoheroin. The whole station’s jumpy,” she said. “There’s a lot of good you can do out there, Miller. Go catch some bad guys.”
“Sure, Captain,” Miller said. “You bet.”
Muss leaned against his desk, waiting for him. Her arms were crossed, her eyes as bored looking at him as they had been looking at the corpse of Dos Santos pinned to the corridor wall.
“New asshole?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“It’ll grow closed. Give it time. I got us one of the murders. Mid-level accountant for Naobi-Shears got his head blown off outside a bar. It looked fun.”
Miller pulled up his hand terminal and took in the basics. His heart wasn’t in it.
“Hey, Muss,” he said. “I got a question.”
“Fire away.”
“You’ve got a case you don’t want solved. What do you do?”
His new partner frowned, tilted her head, and shrugged.
“I hand it to a fish,” she said. “There was a guy back in crimes against children. If we knew the perp was one of our informants, we’d always give it to him. None of our guys ever got in trouble.”
“Yeah,” Miller said.
“For that matter, I need someone to take the shitty partner, I do the same thing,” Muss went on. “You know. Someone no one else wants to work with? Got bad breath or a shitty personality or whatever, but he needs a partner. So I pick the guy who maybe he used to be good, but then he got a divorce. Started hitting the bottle. Guy still thinks he’s a hotshot. Acts like it. Only his numbers aren’t better than anyone else’s. Give him the shit cases. The shit partner.”
Miller closed his eyes. His stomach felt uneasy.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“To get assigned to you?” Muss said. “One of the seniors made the moves on me and I shot him down.”
“So you got stuck.”
“Pretty much. Come on, Miller. You aren’t stupid,” Muss said. “You had to know.”
He’d had to know that he was the station house joke. The guy who used to be good. The one who’d lost it.
No, actually he hadn’t known that. He opened his eyes. Muss didn’t look happy or sad, pleased at his pain or particularly distressed by it. It was just work to her. The dead, the wounded, the injured. She didn’t care. Not caring was how she got through the day.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have turned him down,” Miller said.
“Ah, you’re not that bad,” Muss said. “And he had back hair. I hate back hair.”
“Glad to hear it,” Miller said. “Let’s go make some justice.”
“You’re drunk,” the asshole said.
“’M a cop,” Miller said, stabbing the air with his finger. “Don’t fuck with me.”
“I know you’re a cop. You’ve been coming to my bar for three years. It’s me. Hasini. And you’re drunk, my friend. Seriously, dangerously drunk.”
Miller looked around him. He was indeed at the Blue Frog. He didn’t remember having come here, and yet here he was. And the asshole was Hasini after all.
“I…” Miller began, then lost his train of thought.
“Come on,” Hasini said, looping an arm around him. “It’s not that far. I’ll get you home.”
“What time is it?” Miller asked.
“Late.”
The word had a depth to it. Late. It was late. All the chances to make things right had somehow passed him. The system was at war, and no one was even sure why. Miller himself was turning fifty years old the next June. It was late. Late to start again. Late to realize how many years he’d spent running down the wrong road. Hasini steered him toward an electric cart the bar kept for occasions like this one. The smell of hot grease came out of the kitchen.
“Hold on,” Miller said.
“You going to puke?” Hasini asked.
Miller considered for a moment. No, it was too late to puke. He stumbled forward. Hasini laid him back in the cart and engaged the motors, and with a whine they steered out into the corridor. The lights high above them were dimmed. The cart vibrated as they passed intersection after intersection. Or maybe it didn’t. Maybe that was just his body.
“I thought I was good,” he said. “You know, all this time, I thought I was at least good.”
“You do fine,” Hasini said. “You’ve just got a shitty job.”
“That I was good at.”
“You do fine,” Hasini repeated, as if saying it would make it true.
Miller lay on the bed of the cart. The formed plastic arch of the wheel well dug into his side. It ached, but moving was too much effort. Thinking was too much effort. He’d made it through his day, Muss at his side. He’d turned in the data and materials on Julie. He had nothing worth going back to his hole for, and no place else to be.
The lights shifted into and out of his field of view. He wondered if that was what it would be like to look at stars. He’d never looked up at a sky. The thought inspired a certain vertigo. A sense of terror of the infinite that was almost pleasant.
“There anyone who can take care of you?” Hasini said when they reached Miller’s hole.
“I’ll be fine. I just… I had a bad day.”
“Julie,” Hasini said, nodding.
“How do you know about Julie?” Miller asked.
“You’ve been talking about her all night,” Hasini said. “She’s a girl you fell for, right?”
Frowning, Miller kept a hand on the cart. Julie. He’d been talking about Julie. That was what this was about. Not his job. Not his reputation. They’d taken away Julie. The special case. The one that mattered.
“You’re in love with her,” Hasini said.
“Yeah, sort of,” Miller said, something like revelation forcing its way through the alcohol. “I think I am.”
“Too bad for you,” Hasini said.
Chapter Seventeen: Holden
The Tachi’s galley had a full kitchen and a table with room for twelve. It also had a full-size coffeepot that could brew forty cups of coffee in less than five minutes whether the ship was in zero g or under a five-g burn. Holden said a silent prayer of thanks for bloated military budgets and pressed the brew button. He had to restrain himself from stroking the stainless steel cover while it made gentle percolating noises.
The aroma of coffee began to fill the air, competing with the baking-bread smell of whatever Alex had put in the oven. Amos was thumping around the table in his new cast, laying out plastic plates and actual honest-to-god metal silverware. In a bowl Naomi was mixing something that had the garlic scent of good hummus. Watching the crew work at these domestic tasks, Holden had a sense of peace and safety deep enough to leave him light-headed.