A few minutes later, Dad joins me and places the lilies in the saddlebag on his horse. He will be riding Savannah. She is huge; Ray referred to her as being sixteen hands or something of that nature. That’s horse speak for tall. Dad is over six foot, so they work well together. Savannah is a beautiful horse; she is white with red spots. I believe Ray said she is a paint… again more horse speak that I don’t understand but can repeat and sound as though I do. It does kind of look like she has blotches of red paint all over, so I can see the logic in the name.
My horse is Charlotte. Ray says she and Savannah are sisters. Where Savannah is red, Charlotte is black. Charlotte is also smaller, coming in at fourteen hands. She’s sweet and gentle and I love her. Dad and I fell in love with both of them on day one, and he has called to make sure they are reserved any time we visit.
The trails are beautiful and peaceful. The stables are not very busy today, because it’s October and starting to get colder. There are over five hundred acres of trails that we can ride. I think over the years, Dad and I have traveled them all at least once. We always travel to our lake and toss some lilies in for Mom. Her name was Lillian and lilies were her favorite flower. Dad always called her Lilly, and when I was born, he decided he was going to call me Kensi even though everyone else shortened my name to Kens. Mom was the only other person who called me Kensi. A few have tried, but I am always quick to shut them down; that was something the three of us shared. Dad doesn’t call me that as much as he used to.
“How’s school, baby girl?” His question brings me back to the present.
“Good. Classes are good this semester. My advisor informed me that I need to be looking for a local business that I can volunteer with next semester. Apparently, the professor for my advanced business practices class requires all students to volunteer at a local business to get some hands on workforce experience. She likes to keep it local as a way to give back to the community. There are a lot of small businesses around and the extra free help is a perk for them.”
“I think that’s a great idea. Do you have any ideas yet?” he asks.
“No, not yet. I still have a lot of time. I’m sure I’ll figure something out. I think Nicole is just going to work at her sister’s salon.”
“How is Nicole?”
That’s Dad. He’s always taking interest in my life, even my friends. He knows how much Nic has helped me over the last four years. He was worried when he moved me into the dorms. We were both going to be on our own. It was scary for both of us.
“She’s good, keeps me on my toes.” I don’t say anything else. I know he can read through the lines. We let the silence fall between us, and before I know it, we are stopped in front of the lake. We tie the horses off to the hitching post and Dad pulls the lilies out of his saddlebag. He hands me half of the bouquet, keeping the remainder for himself.
I follow him to the edge of the bank and we both take a seat. I toss one of my lilies into the water and watch as it slowly drifts away.
“Kensi…” His voice is gruff. “I’m worried about you.”
I turn to face him and I can see the lines of worry across his forehead. “I’m good, Dad. Promise,” I try to reassure him. I’ve actually done really well today and I’m mentally giving myself a high five for keeping it together.
“I’m worried that what happened is keeping you from living life. I know you don’t really date and I understand your hesitance to let someone in. I want to see you fall in love. I want to walk you down the aisle and someday hold my grandbabies in my arms. That is what we both wanted for you; I still do,” he says this as he throws his first lily into the lake. It’s almost as if he’s speaking for her.
These are the same kinds of conversations Mom and I used to have all the time. She was always the one to touch on these types of subjects with me. Dad let us do our thing… this is a first for us. It’s not as awkward as I always imagined it would be.
I lean my head against his shoulder and let his words sink in. “I used to want that. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me. Maybe one day. I’m not opposed to it completely, but it’s going to take someone who is willing to put in the time and effort to prove he’s worth it. For now, I’m good with one man in my life. Besides, if and when that happens, he will have some pretty big shoes to fill.” I feel his shoulders lift with the chuckle that escapes his lips.
Dad wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. “I love you, baby girl. I just want to see you live a full, happy life. It’s up to you what will make that happen, just know that sometimes the risks are worth the reward.”
We continue to sit by the lake and slowly toss our lilies into the water. Dad tells me the story of how he and mom met, and then tosses in a lily. I tell him how I miss the talks she and I used to have and toss in a lily. Within a few hours, we have managed to talk about her, about the good times and some of the bad. The pain is there, but there is just something about this place that helps ease the sting.
I hear the low grumble of his belly and a giggle escapes my lips. “Oh, you think that’s funny, do you?” he says as he climbs to his feet. The next thing I know, he’s lifting me off the ground and throwing me over his shoulder. We reach the horses and he gently sets me on my feet. “It’s not nice to laugh at a man when he’s hungry.” He winks at me.
Back at the stables I smile and shake my head today turned out better than I had expected. We unsaddle the horses and brush them down. This is not something that is required, but I love it. Ray says he doesn’t mind having someone spoil the “crew” as he calls them. We finish up, and with one final hug, Dad and I climb into our vehicles and go our separate ways. Somehow, throughout the day, the pain in my chest shifted. It’s still there, but the dread I was feeling is gone. Maybe I was wrong, maybe talking about her, about what happened, is therapeutic. Maybe it does get easier after all.
Walking into the apartment, I find Nicole stretched out on the couch. Her eyes take me in. I know she’s prepared to see me in full breakdown mode, but I’m not, much to her surprise and mine.
“Hey, how was your day?” I can hear the hesitation in her voice. I chew on my bottom lip to keep from laughing at her. She’s wigged out because I’m not a blubbering mess. It feels good and it’s taking all the effort I can muster not to bust out laughing at the situation.
“It was good, actually. We went to breakfast then the mall.” I hold up my bags to show her my new purchases. “Then we went to the stables and road down to the lake.” She knows about the stables and the lake. I’ve told her how I feel closer to my mother there. I don’t keep everything from her, just that night. Everything else, I’m an open book.
“You seem… I don’t know, lighter somehow,” she comments as she continues to watch me.
“Yeah, I’m not sure what happened really. Dad and I talked a lot. We talked about Mom, the good times and the… bad. He even broached the ‘I want to see you married with kids’ subject. He worries, but I assured him he has nothing to worry about.”
“I worry too, you know?”
“I know you do. I’ll tell you what I told him. I’m not opposed to dating. I just need to know that the guy is into me for the right reasons. I need to see that he is willing to put forth the effort to really be with me. I know that makes me sound like a spoiled brat, but… my past… he needs to be able to take me as I am.” I smile thinking about my conversation with Dad. It eased the pain. “I told Dad that any male in my future has big shoes to fill.”
Nicole throws her head back and laughs as well. “No shit. He spoils you rotten. What’s in the bag?”
“I tried to argue my way out of it, but you know how he is. He was having no part of it.” I toss the bags to her. Just as she reaches for them, the alert from her cell phone announces a new message. She reaches for her phone instead.