His endearment clenches my heart. It’s nothing to him, but it’s everything to me. No one has ever made me feel as wanted as Blake does, and he’s not asking for all of me. With Blake, that will never come; he made that perfectly clear before we even started this.
He startles me from my thoughts when he sticks his tongue out, the lemon drop resting on the tip. I do as he did earlier, clamping it between my teeth. It’s not as good as it was the first time. Most of the sweetness is gone and only the tartness remains.
“How does it taste?” he asks. The question is almost impossible to answer as he picks up his pace, pumping in and out of me. So good.
“Sour,” I breathe, digging my nails into his back. I’m so close it almost hurts—the best type of pain. I’ve never wanted to take in my next breath as much as I do right now.
“That’s how my life was before this . . . before you.” A few more thrusts and my walls contract around him. He groans, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I clutch onto him like I might fall off the edge of a cliff if I don’t.
He’s going to let go . . . it’s just a matter of time. We’re just supposed to have sex—hot, intense, mind-blowing sex. Feelings and cuddles and long walks on the beach aren’t part of the package, but the more we do this, the more I wish it were. I should have never started this, because once I did, there was no going back.
“Shit,” he spits, quickly pulling out of me. “Shit.”
I’m sitting naked on the edge of the counter, watching him pace across the kitchen in the same state. I don’t understand how we go from one extreme to another so quickly. Somehow, I’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to hold. I slip off the counter and start toward my room before he sees the unshed tears in my eyes.
“Lila.” His voice is low, tortured. I want him to call me back to wrap me in his arms, but that’s not going to happen. I turn around anyway.
Unable to speak without crumbling, I stare. He looks like the weight of the world has been dropped on his shoulders.
“I forgot to use a condom.”
A million things flash through my mind but none of them are probably the same as what’s going through his. If he got to know me a little better, he wouldn’t be fretting over this. If I’m not worthy of a relationship with him, I’m definitely not in the running to carry little Blake babies.
“I’m on the pill. I never miss one.”
He sighs, combing his fingers through his hair. “Oh, thank God.”
“What about you?”
“Me?” he asks, eyebrows raised.
“I know you have more . . . experience than me. Are you clean?”
The curious expression switches to one of irritation. He assumed I was irresponsible; it’s only fair for me to do the same. “I always use a condom. I’m not stupid.”
I nod, feeling the reminder of our sex sliding down my inner thigh. This is crazy. Why do I keep doing this when it leaves me with so much regret?
Blake comes to stand in front of me in all his naked glory. His eyes search mine, and he sees it—the torment he’s caused within me.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t inherit the sensitivity gene.”
“The pretend-to-care one would have been nice,” I chide, folding my arms in front of my chest.
“Lila.” He cradles my face in his hands. “I care, and I’m going to find a way to make this up to you. Do you want me to run you a bath?” He leans in to kiss my lips tenderly—a peck for each corner, then ending in the center.
As soon as he lets go of me, I start walking backward. “I think I’m just going to go to bed. Besides, it’s going to be hard to top the lemon drop.”
He laughs, real and throaty. “I already have that covered.”
“We’ll see.”
He reaches out, running the back of his fingers along my jaw and down my neck. “I meant what I said earlier . . . why I call you Lemon Drop. This is all I can give you, and I hope it’s enough for now because I don’t want to lose this. I swear you’re the only thing I look forward to these days.”
I lean into his hand, buying myself time to form a response that won’t give away what I’m really feeling. He’s not equipped for that right now. “I don’t want to lose this either.”
“We need to be smart about this.” I know he’s talking about the condoms, and maybe even my falling heart, so I don’t ask for any more explanation. I don’t want to hear it.
I nod, and without another word, I turn to walk back to my room. The lemon drop was the most sensually sweet thing I’ve ever experienced, and he just ruined it. Realizing the tart remnants of the candy are still in my mouth, I roll it against my tongue. Still tart. When I stop and think about it, the tartness lasts longer than the sweet coating. Sex for us is the sweet coating, and everything else that comes with it, or doesn’t come with it, is the unwanted tart center.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop eating them.
“DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR TONIGHT?” Reece asks, coming around the corner to my cubicle.
The sight of her makes me smile. She’s dressed in a white camisole with little black eye glass graphics plastered all over it. It’s a little cute and a lot quirky—reminds me of her whimsical personality.
I shake my head to wake myself up, remembering how much it aches from only sleeping three hours last night. My shift at Charlie’s ran late, and then I had to come into the office. I’m dreading having to shift from here back to waitressing in just a few hours. At least it’s Friday. “I have to work.”
“That sucks. What about tomorrow night?”
She’s pretty anxious for a girl who got shit-faced three nights ago. She was a zombie the next day—going through the motions and not noticing anything else that was going on around her. Yet, the way her eyes light when she asks makes me feel bad about having to turn her down. Her question also reminds me of my impending evening with Pierce Stanley. I still haven’t said a word about it to Blake; things have been so . . . different between us.
Wednesday night he greeted me at the door after work and made me come hard against the wall. Then he fed me a pasta dish he’d made, and got me naked again in his bed. It ended like it always does. Every time, it hurts a little more, because every time, I fall further into him. Maybe, if I sink far enough, I’ll be in his heart, and he’ll feel the same.
He fulfills my physical needs and unravels my emotional ones. I have to be willing to let him go. If he can’t give me what I ultimately want—what I’ve always wanted—then I need to cut the strings and move on. It’s so much easier to sit here and think about how I’m going to do it than it is to actually do it.
He wasn’t home last night, and that’s the difference between us and a real couple. He didn’t mention anything about being gone. I wonder if there’s someone else . . . if that’s why he’s so secretive about everything. And that’s one thing I don’t think I can do—be one of his many.
Reece snaps her fingers in front of my eyes. “Earth to Lila.”
“Sorry, I’m tired. I have an event tomorrow. I’m free Sunday through Wednesday night, though.” Crossing my fingers beneath my desk, I hope she doesn’t ask anything more about tomorrow. I’m not a good liar.
“What event are you attending tomorrow?”
Shit. “A benefit.”
Her eyes narrow in on me. “For what?”
And secrets crumble. “I’m not sure exactly. It’s for work . . . Stanley invited me.”
“As in Pierce Stanley?”
“Yeah . . . that would be the one,” I answer shyly.
Her mouth falls open. “Oh. My. God.”
I place my finger over my lips, doing my best to quiet her. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Are you freaking kidding me?” she squeals. “It’s Pierce Stanley. That’s a huge deal. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“This is why I didn’t tell you,” I reply, waving between us. “Besides, it’s not a date or anything like that.”