With this the lady came to a full stop and then began anew.
“Would you care to hear my conclusion? Clever as she is, I believe Nobuko-san must have sensed something already. I’m not saying she knows everything, and we’d have a time of it if she did. I think she knows and doesn’t know, which couldn’t be better. From what I observe, I believe that Nobuko-san is in exactly the place I’ve made to order for her.”
What else could Tsuda say but “Is that so?” To himself, however, he was thinking the lady had very little in the way of evidence to lead her to such a conclusion. But she spoke as if she had.
“Otherwise why would she feel she had to bluff?”
This was the first time she had characterized O-Nobu’s attitude as bluffing. He questioned her choice of words; on the other hand, how could he help affirming straight away the cynicism it conveyed? Nevertheless he was unable to accede without hesitating. Once again, Madam laughed carelessly.
“You needn’t worry. Even if it turns out she’s completely in the dark, there are any number of hands I can play.”
Tsuda waited in silence for the continuation, but there was none; the conversation abruptly turned back to Kiyoko.
“I imagine you still have feelings for Kiyoko-san?”
“Certainly not.”
“You feel nothing at all?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s called a man’s lie.”
Tsuda hadn’t intended to lie, but now he noticed that he wasn’t telling the whole truth.
“Do I appear to have feelings?”
“Of course not. Obviously!”
“Then why do you conclude I do?”
“For just that reason. Because they don’t appear.”
Her logic was the opposite of the expected. And yet somehow there was nothing outrageous about it. Now she expanded with evident self-satisfaction.
“Some people assume that what’s on the surface is what’s inside. As for me, precisely because those feelings of yours don’t emerge, I can’t help thinking you must be keeping them pent up inside.”
“That’s because you approach me with a preconception of how it must be.”
“And what’s so unreasonable about presuming that something is the way it must be?”
“It’s a bother to be arbitrarily interpreted that way.”
“When have I arbitrarily interpreted anything? I’m not sharing an interpretation; this is fact. I’m stating a fact known only to you and me. It’s a fact — you may be able to deceive others, but how can you expect to hide it from me when I know all about it? It would be one thing if it were a fact relating only to you, but this is a fact for us both, and until we’ve discussed it and buried it somewhere, so long as it lingers in memory, it’s not about to fade away.”
“Then let’s get on with the discussion part so we can bury it.”
“But why? Why must it be buried? Why not turn it to good use instead?”
“To good use? I prefer to stay far away from treachery.”
“Who’s talking about treachery? Have I suggested you should stoop so low?”
“But you—”
“You haven’t finished listening to what I have to say.”
Tsuda’s eyes burned with curiosity.
[139]
IT WAS very much as if Madam had felled Tsuda by thrusting proof of his lingering attachment in his face. His attitude following the equivalent of a confession brought to a conclusion one round of their match and spurred the lady on. But it turned out she wasn’t, where this matter was concerned, quite the arbitrary tyrant Tsuda had anticipated. In fact, she appeared to be observing his psychological state minutely. Having won the first round, she showed him certified proof of her victory.
“I’m not just grasping at clouds when I make a fuss about your attachment. I have firm hold of something substantial that satisfies me. I feel I could explain how it is with you to others if I chose.”
Tsuda hadn’t the vaguest notion what she was talking about.
“I wish you’d explain it to me.”
“If you like. But I should say that my explanation will amount to an explanation of you.”
“By all means, have at it.”
The lady burst out laughing.
“Are you just pretending to be as dumb as you sound? Here you are in person, you yourself, and you tell me that self is something you don’t understand and must be explained — how ridiculous.”
If the lady had it right, it was indeed ridiculous. Tsuda thought a moment.
“But I don’t understand myself.”
“Nonsense!”
“Then maybe I haven’t let it in?”
“You’ve let it in, all right.”
“What have I been doing then? Have I been hiding what I know from myself, is that what it comes down to?”
“I’d say so, yes.”
Tsuda gave up. What point could there be in attempting to conceal anything even as he was being driven into a corner?
“I can’t help it if I am ridiculous, I’ll take the criticism and content myself with it, so please do explain.”
The lady released a faint sigh.
“You’re no challenge at all. I’ve poured my heart into preparing for this, but if you’re going to roll over and play dead, I’ve gone to all this trouble for nothing. Perhaps it would be just as well if I left now—”
This only drew Tsuda deeper into a maze. He knew he was being lured in, but he felt compelled nonetheless to chase after his companion. His curiosity functioned powerfully in this. His sense of obligation to the lady and his desire to accord with her were also no small part of it. Repeating himself more than once, he pressed her to explain.
“Very well,” she agreed at last, appearing if anything highly satisfied with herself. “But I must ask you something first,” she warned, catching Tsuda off guard before she had fairly begun.
“Why didn’t you marry Kiyoko-san?”
The question was startling; Tsuda quietly caught his breath. The lady observed him in his silence and only then began anew.
“Let me put it another way — why didn’t Kiyoko-san marry you?”
This time Tsuda blurted his reply as though he were echoing her voice.
“I have no idea. It’s a mystery. No matter how hard I think about it, I come up with nothing.”
“She just up and married Seki-san suddenly?”
“That’s right. And ‘suddenly’ doesn’t begin to do it justice. It happened so fast it was flabbergasting. Before you knew it, she was already married.”
“Who was flabbergasted?”
Tsuda wondered how any question could be so meaningless. What difference did it make, except to satisfy her nosiness, who was flabbergasted? But the lady halted there and didn’t budge.
“Were you flabbergasted? Was Kiyoko-san flabbergasted? Maybe you were both flabbergasted?”
“I wonder—”
Tsuda felt compelled to consider. The lady moved ahead of him.
“Wasn’t Kiyoko-san content with what happened?”
“I wonder—”
“For goodness sake, stop wondering! I’m asking how it appeared to you, how Kiyoko-san appeared to you at the time? Didn’t she appear content?”
“Now that you mention it—”
The lady turned on him a look of contempt.
“Welcome to the real world. Wasn’t it that you were flabbergasted because Kiyoko-san was content?”
“Possibly.”
“And how do you intend to resolve that feeling you had at the time — feeling flabbergasted?”
‘There’s no way to resolve it.”
“But the truth is you’d like to?”
“I would — I’ve thought about various things to do.”
“And you’ve figured it out?”
“Not at all. The more I think about it, the less I understand.”