“Does that mean you’ve given up thinking about it?”
“I can’t help myself.”
“So you think about it even now?”
“That’s right.”
“There. What did I tell you? That’s the attachment I’m talking about!”
The lady had finally maneuvered Tsuda into just the place she wanted him.
[140]
HER GROUNDWORK virtually complete, Madam sensed that the moment to reveal herself was at hand. She began obliquely.
“In that case, how about behaving in a more manly way?”
“Not again!” Tsuda thought.
All along she had been exhorting him to “act like a man,” to stop being “unmanly,” and each time he heard the phrase he had dismissed her derisively to himself. He wondered skeptically what she meant by “manly.” It was evident that she used the insult arbitrarily and with no particular basis whenever she wished to put him down for the sake of her own convenience.
“In a manly way? What must I do to become manly?” he inquired with a strained smile.
“Resolve your attachment, I reckon, clear your feelings. What other way is here?”
“How do I do that?”
“How do you think? What would you have to do?”
“I have no idea.”
Abruptly, the lady became vehement.
“You’re such an idiot! How can you manage not to understand something as simple as that? Obviously there’s only one thing to do: meet her and ask.”
Tsuda could think of nothing to say. It was one thing to decide a meeting was necessary and quite another to know how to arrange it — where and on what pretext? That needed resolving first of all.
“That’s exactly why I took the trouble to come over here today.”
Tsuda looked up involuntarily at the lady’s face.
“I’ve been intending for some time to sound you out, and when Hideko-san showed up this morning about that other matter, I thought this might be a perfect opportunity, which is why I’m here.”
Unprepared for this, Tsuda submerged into confusion. The matron observed him closely before she spoke again.
“Don’t misunderstand. I’m me and Hideko-san is Hideko-san. I assume you realize that just because she asked me to come and see you doesn’t mean I’m entirely on her side. As I said before, no matter how it may seem, I sympathize with you.”
“I know that.”
Having brought this part of the conversation to a conclusion, the lady moved promptly to stage two along the way to reaching her main point.
“Do you know where Kiyoko-san is now?”
“With Seki, I imagine.”
“Normally she would be. I’m asking if you know where she is right now. In Tokyo or out of town?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Take a guess.”
Tsuda went silent, his expression indicating he was in no mood for guessing games. Whereupon there issued abruptly from Madam’s lips the name of a place he hadn’t expected to hear, a fairly well-known hot-springs resort less than one day’s journey from Tokyo that still resided in his memory. Recalling the scenery around it, he exclaimed, “Good heavens!” and stopped, lacking the presence of mind to say more.
Madam Yoshikawa obliged him with a detailed explanation. According to her, the person in question was there to convalesce for an indefinite period of time. And she knew even more: when she had informed Tsuda that Kiyoko was there to regain her health following a miscarriage, Madam smiled at him pointedly. Tsuda sensed he had successfully interpreted the smile. But that wasn’t the issue before them now. Disinclined to add any comments of his own, he waited patiently to hear what she might have to say next. At that moment she leaped forward to her conclusion.
“You should go there, too.”
Tsuda’s feelings had been in play before he heard this. But even after her suggestion, he felt unresolved about going. Madam fanned the flames.
“Just go. You won’t be making trouble for anyone. Just go and don’t make a fuss about it.”
“I suppose I could—”
“It’s not as if you haven’t always acted independently, so why should this be any different? And why weigh yourself down with baggage you don’t need like duty and consideration for others? Besides, in your condition it will do you good to take a little trip to the mountains when you get out of here. As I see it, your health alone is more than ample reason for going. So you really must. Go and bask in the sun as if you have a perfect right. And while you’re there, you can put an end to your attachment.”
The lady further encouraged Tsuda by offering to pay his travel expenses.
[141]
RECUPERATING AT a comfortable spa with travel expenses paid and time away from work arranged by someone else would have appealed to anyone. For Tsuda in particular, this was a rare opportunity that seemed tailor-made for a man who tried to live his life as though its principal theme were his personal pleasure. He would have said that standing idly by as it slipped away would have been the height of foolishness. This was an opportunity, however, that came with a contingency that was by no means trivial. He bethought himself.
The nature of the psychology holding him back was clear as day. But his very awareness of its manifest power prevented him from reflecting carefully on its meaning. On this head as well, the lady was a more reliable observer of his psychology than he. Seeing him appear to hesitate when she had assumed he would promise her to act at once, she spoke.
“You’re dragging your feet even though in your heart you want to go, isn’t that so? If you ask me, that’s the worst of your unmanly traits.”
Not so very disturbed by the accusation of unmanliness, Tsuda replied.
“You may be right, but this requires some thought.”
“Your addiction to thinking will come back to haunt you.”
“I beg your pardon?” Tsuda exclaimed in surprise. Madam continued as if she hadn’t noticed.
“At a time like this, a woman doesn’t think.”
“Doesn’t that make me manly, then, since I’m a thinker?”
The lady turned severe.
“This is no time for wisecracks. What do you think you prove by putting someone down with words and nothing more? Such foolishness! You’ve been to college and read all those books, and even so you’re invisible to yourself, it’s pathetic. In the end that’s why Kiyoko-san ran away on you.”
“What are you talking about!” Tsuda protested again. The lady paid no attention.
“Since you’re in a fog, let me explain. I understand perfectly why you don’t want to go. You’re a coward. You’re afraid to appear in front of Kiyoko-san.”
“That’s not so. I—”
“Hold on a minute — you want to say you’re courageous. But that’s not how it will come out — I bet you’ll say it’s a matter of saving face. And I say that carrying on about your pride is nothing more than cowardice. Think about it. Saving face is merely vanity. Or be kind to yourself and call it concern with how things appear on the surface. But once you’ve subtracted your deference to others and your concerns about what they’ll think, what do you have left? It’s the same as a young bride who pushes her food away because she thinks that eating will compromise her in the eyes of her parents-in-law even though no one has said a word.”
Tsuda was appalled. But the lady’s tirade continued.
“The trouble is, frankly, you’re too concerned about what everybody thinks, and that prompts you to bridle and dig in your heels when there’s no need. That stubbornness shows up in an odd way as infatuation with yourself.”
Tsuda could only remain silent. The lady proceeded relentlessly to explain what she meant by his pride and conceit.