“I know that what I’m saying is getting through to you. But it seems you’re not ready to accept it. You’re caught in a contradiction. And I know why. First of all it troubles the hell out of you as a so-called wise man that the person doing the talking has no rank or social standing, no assets and no steady job. If this were coming from Mrs. Yoshikawa or someone like that, you’d sit up and take notice no matter how idiotic it was. And no, I’m not just feeling sorry for myself; that’s an incontestable fact. There’s something you need to appreciate — I’m able to say all these things because I’m who I am. You need to understand that neither your uncle Fujii nor Mrs. T would know anything about this. Why? Because no matter how poor he may be, Sensei has never had to lick the dregs the way I have. Much less the rest of your gang with their easy lives.”
Tsuda wasn’t certain who was included in “the rest of his gang.” His only thought was that it must refer to Madam Yoshikawa and the Okamotos. But Kobayashi moved briskly on without affording him the time to frame such a question.
“In the second place, the suggestion I just made — maybe it was advice or an admonition or just simple knowledge, it doesn’t really matter — at any rate what I’ve been saying hasn’t made you feel it was anything you had to pay attention to. Your mind understands, but in your heart you’re not persuaded; that’s how you are right now. We could always blame it on the abyss that separates us and forget about it, but my objective is to see if I can’t compel you to pay attention, you follow me? It turns out the gap created by circumstances and social position isn’t so very important. The truth is that ten out of ten people repeat the same experiences in different forms. To put it even more plainly, I’m me and I see things in the way that’s most urgent for me to see them; you’re you and you see with an eye that’s most appropriate for you. And that’s really the extent of the difference between us. When someone in privileged circumstances gets a bit bewildered or stymied or maybe stumbles, the light he sees things in will change. But seeing things in a different light doesn’t mean he’s changed his vantage point. In other words, all I’m saying is the day will come when you’ll have occasion to recall what I’m telling you now.”
“I’ll be careful to remember.”
“You do that, I guarantee you the time will come when you’ll think back on it.”
“Fair enough — I get it.”
“The funny thing is, whether you think you get it or not won’t make any difference.”
With these words Kobayashi abruptly broke into laughter. Tsuda had no idea why. Before he was asked, Kobayashi explained.
“Let’s say the moment arrives when you see that I’m right. Will you be able to yell shazam! and transform on the spot? Will you be able to transform into me as I am now?”
“I don’t know.”
“The hell you don’t. You know perfectly well that you won’t. I’m not boasting; I had to lock myself in a monk’s cell to get where I am now. I may be something of a dunce, but I can tell you I’ve paid for this with my own lifeblood.”
Kobayashi’s self-satisfaction irked Tsuda. What can he have paid for with his sickly whoreson’s blood? He allowed his contempt to shadow his countenance as he spoke.
“Then why bother to tell me this? You’re saying even if I bear it in mind, it won’t do me any good when I need it.”
“Of course it won’t. Still, it’s better to hear it.”
“Better not to.”
Kobayashi leaned back in his chair as though happily and laughed again.
“Bravo. You’re showing your true colors now just as I hoped you would.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m just stating a fact. Let me spell it out for you. When you get driven into a corner with nowhere to go, you’ll remember my words. You’ll remember, but you won’t be able to act on them. That’s when you’ll feel it would have been better not to have listened at all.”
“To hell with you! What’s the point of all that?”
“No point — it’s at that moment that I’ll finally have my revenge for your contempt.”
Tsuda spoke more calmly.
“You feel that hostile to me?”
“How can you say that? Hostility? I have only the best of intentions where you’re concerned. But the fact remains, doesn’t it, that you hold me in contempt. And when I point out conversely that there are reasons for me to have contempt for you as well, you settle back on your high and mighty throne and ignore me. Words are useless with you; you challenge me to have at you in a real battle, so what choice do I have but engaging you and doing the best I can to win?”
“Fine. That’s clear enough — Is that it, have you said your piece?”
“Hardly. I’m just getting to the main argument.”
A little dismayed, Tsuda watched Kobayashi lift a glass of beer to his lips and empty it in a single draft.
[159]
BEFORE HE continued, Kobayashi put down his glass and surveyed the room. The lady at one of the two tables where women were sitting, producing a beautiful handkerchief from her sleeve, was just drying the hand she had removed from a finger bowl after using it to eat a piece of fruit. The other female diner, diagonally opposite him, a young woman in her mid-twenties who had been stealing looks in his direction for a while, was engaged in animated conversation about the theater with her male companion, a coffee cup suspended in her hand as she eyed the smoke trailing upward from his cigarette. As both tables had arrived in advance of Tsuda and Kobayashi, it appeared that they were further along in their meal and would be leaving earlier.
“Perfect,” Kobayashi exclaimed. “They’re still here.”
Tsuda was alarmed again. It was predictable that Kobayashi was preparing to say things that would shock them in a voice he intended to be overheard.
“Behave yourself, will you!”
“I haven’t said a word.”
“I’m asking you not to. I can put up with your attacks on me, but please take a deep breath before you start insulting people who have nothing to do with us. In a place like this.”
“You’re such a timid soul. I guess you’re saying you couldn’t stand it if I carried on here as if it were that neighborhood bar?”
“Yes, in a way.”
“‘Yes, in a way’ means you made a mistake when you invited a hoodlum like me to a place like this.”
“Then do as you like.”
“You say that, but I bet you’re shaking inside.”
Tsuda was silent. Kobayashi laughed as though amused.
“I win. I win. You surrender, don’t you?”
“If you consider that a victory, then go right ahead and feel victorious.”
“I shall. But that means you better brace yourself for more and more contempt from me. And your contempt is a fart in the wind as far as I’m concerned.”
“Feel however you must feel. You’re an obnoxious piece of work.”
As he spoke, Kobayashi peered at Tsuda’s sullen face as if to look inside it.
“Don’t you get it, this is a real battle. It doesn’t matter how privileged you are or how many rich friends you have or how loftily you parade yourself around, when you’re defeated in a real battle you’re defeated. I’ve been saying it all along: a man who hasn’t tested himself with his feet in the real world is no better than a rag doll.”
“Why of course. There’s no one in this world who’s any match for a sly dog or a drunk.”
Kobayashi must have had something to say to this, but instead of replying at once he circled the room once more with his eyes, lighting on first one and then the other of the women at the other tables.