The Giant could be very good to you, he thought… If it wanted to.
18
Lila didn’t care where she was going. She was so mad at the Captain she could spit. That bastard! Who the hell did he think he was calling her that — A bitch setting up a dog fight. She should have hit him!
What did he know? She should have said, Yes, and who made me one? Was it me? You don’t know me! She should have said, Nobody knows me. You’ll never know me. I’ll die before you know me. But boy oh boy, do I ever know YOU! That’s what she should have told him.
She was so sick of men. She didn’t want to hear men talk. They just want to dirty you. That’s what they all want to do. Just dirty you so you’ll be just like them. And then tell you what a bitch you are.
This is what she got for being honest. Wasn’t that funny? If she’d lied to him everything would be fine. If she was really a bitch did he think she would have told him all that stuff about Jamie? No. That was really funny.
What was she going to do with these shirts now? She sure wasn’t going to give them to him now. She was tired of carrying them. She spent hours looking for them and now she had to take them back. Why did she have to try to be nice to him? She never learned. No matter what you do they always want to make you look worse than they are.
You’re not doing anything wrong, you know, you’re not hurting anybody and you’re not stealing anything, you know, and still they just hate you for it anyway, for making love. Before they get on you’re a real angel, but after they get off you’re a real whore. For a while. Until they get ready again. Then you’re an angel again.
She’d never been on the street every night. She wasn’t one of the bad ones. Just sometimes when she felt like it. She liked it. She always did. She liked it all the time. Every night. So what? And she didn’t like it always with the same man. And she didn’t care what people thought about her. And she liked money too, to spend. And she liked booze too and a lot of other things. Put all that together and you got Lila, she should have told him. Just don’t try to turn me into somebody else. 'Cause it won’t work. I’m just Lila and I always will be. And if you don’t like me the way I am then just get out. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I’ll die first. That’s the way I am. That’s what she should have told him.
A store window showed her reflection. She looked like she was hurrying. She should slow down. She didn’t have to hurry so fast. She didn’t have anywhere to go except to the boat to get her things off.
It was dumb to tell him anything. You can’t tell people like him anything. If you do, they’re gone. All he wanted her for was to prove how big he was. He didn’t care what she said, he just wanted her to be some kind of guinea pig to study or something like that, when he really thought all those bad things about her all the time.
He never talked straight, but she could tell he was picking on her in his mind all the time for things she said. Trying to treat her so nice. He always wanted to know what she thought but he’d never tell her what he thought. Always playing around the edges. That’s what she couldn’t stand. She never should have told him that stuff about nerds like him. That’s what did it. Nerds like him couldn’t stand to hear that.
She knew how to handle people like him. They’re not hard to live with. All you have to do is let them talk. You’ve got to build someone like him up all the time or they get rid of you. She’d probably be going on the boat to Florida tomorrow if she’d kept her mouth shut. She could have taken care of him whenever he wanted it. Jamie didn’t mind. Jamie didn’t care who she slept with. Everybody could have been happy.
Jamie didn’t like the Captain either. Jamie always knew what people were thinking. If somebody thought he was going to make trouble for Jamie, Jamie had him all figured out.
A black witch on a broom looked at her through a display window. It was almost Halloween time.
She didn’t know this part of the city. If she’d ever been here before, she’d forgotten it. Or maybe it had changed so much she didn’t recognize it. Everything was always changing here. Except the big buildings.
When she first came here she used to think there was somebody up in those big buildings who knows what’s going on here. They would never come down and talk to her. After a while she found out nobody knows what’s going on.
Why wouldn’t Jamie even give her his address? He acted so different. Something was wrong. She didn’t like that friend of his. Maybe it was just the Captain being there.
She had never been on this street before. There was something about it she didn’t like. It didn’t look dangerous, just grungy. Jamie always told her, Look around, and if you don’t see any women walking by themselves, watch out! But there was an old lady with a dog farther up the street… So, if the Captain was all done with her, that was nothing new… She was used to that. She’d find something… She always landed on her feet.
A little shop had some bottles in the windows and dirt and junk. She always thought they were going to fix things up some day around here but nobody ever fixes anything. It just gets worse and worse.
An old church had a padlock on the doors and a sign saying it was closed. The sign was all faded so it must have been closed for a long time. In a wooden box under the window all the plants were dead. It didn’t look like her grandfather’s church. Her grandfather’s church was bigger and it wasn’t in a dirty city like this.
She’d get a room for a while, a few days maybe, and then look around. That sounded good. She didn’t want to go back on the street. It wasn’t worth it. Jamie said not to do it, and he knows. He said it was too dangerous. It isn’t like it used to be.
She didn’t like this street.
She could always get a job waitressing. She knew how to do that. Then after a while something better would turn up. If she tried to think that way it would make her feel better. But first she had to find some place to stay.
She walked for block after block. She kept an eye out for room signs, but didn’t see any.
She passed a big hole in the street with orange and white stands around it to keep people away. There was steam coming out of the hole. A man with a cement sack was staring at her. He wasn’t going to do anything. Just staring.
She started to read the writing on all the other signs. Leave Fire Lane for Emergency Vehicles… Snow Route… No Standing During Emergency… Vehicles Towed, Moving $9.95 An Hour… Painting. Get Free Estimates. 10% off…
Maybe the signs would tell her what was going on… Drugs Rally… They meant no drugs rally… Irving’s Pantry Deli… Greyer Butcher Block… Clothes Closet King… Audio breakthroughs… We Sell Kosher and Non-Kosher Foods… Natural Health Food store. 20% Off All Vitamins…
Behind an iron fence was a tree with red-orange berries. She remembered a tree like that in her back yard. She used to pick the berries but they were never any good for anything. What’s it doing here? The big steel fence kept people from picking the berries. If she tried to go over there they’d throw her out. Some pigeons were there under the trees… The pigeons could be there but she couldn’t.
Somebody got inside the iron fence and did spray paint all over the wall. She could never figure out what all that writing said. It looked like just names or something. But they write it so funny you can’t see what they’re trying to write. They never say Fuck You or anything. They just write these strange things like there’s something they know that nobody else knows… Driver… Electric Company… Keep Driveway Clear… One Way… They never tell you what you want they only tell you what they want…