He’s right. I know it. I need to set things right with Logan. Because our time together is quickly running out.
“So what do I do about Bruno, oh wise swami?”
He tucks his hand under my chin, “Do you care about Bruno?”
I nod.
“And he makes you feel?”
I sniffle. “Special. Loved. Safe.”
He nods, “Then just let him love you, and love him as much as you can in return. Love him as much as you’re able to right now. There’s no shame in that.”
I lean back. “You should consider a career as a therapist.”
“I could have my own talk show.”
“And you could make people cry on TV.”
He tilts his head back, “I have always wanted to make people cry on TV.”
A few hours later I’m picking at the last slice of cold, leftover pizza when Logan finally gets back.
“Where were you?” I ask, walking back to my bedroom with my plate and a two liter of Diet Dew tucked under my arm.
“I went to Becker’s. I just, I dunno. I was trying to remember if it was his face, but it’s still a big blank.”
I close my door behind Logan. Mom’s at work, but I still feel safer with the door shut, just in case.
“Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve been traumatized. It’s only natural your mind would block pieces out to try to protect you. Especially if it was someone you knew.”
He looks down at the floor. “I suppose.”
He flops into my chair and I curl up on the floor at the end of my bed.
“Look Logan. I want to apologize.”
“For what?” he asks, looking genuinely surprised.
“Oh, you know. For being my usual, crazy, bitchy self. I’m really sorry.”
He looks up, holding my eyes. “It’s alright Zoe. I understand. I know none of this has been easy on you either.”
I lick my lips. “Yeah, but the thing is, I don’t know how much time we have left together and I don’t want to spend it like this, being angry and catty.”
A rogue tear slides down my cheek before I can blink it away.
“I just want you to know, that I love you. And I’m going to miss you so much it feels like my heart is going to cave in.”
I blow out a long breath. Logan is beside me in the blink of an eye, wiping the tears away.
“I think the reason I can do this, the reason I can be solid sometimes, is because of you. Because when I’m with you, I feel alive. More alive than I’ve felt in a really long time. But the longer I stay, the more I want to stay forever. And that isn’t good for either of us,” he says sadly.
I nod, leaning against him.
“I know. But it doesn’t make it any easier.”
“For me either, Zoe.” He kisses the top of my head.
Then I feel myself start to slide through him, his firm skin replaced by cold air.
“It’s just so unfair. We should have had time,” I whine.
“We have right now. Maybe that’s all we get. But I’m grateful for every second of it, I want you to know that.”
I push the plate aside and climb into bed, patting the blanket next to me. Logan lies down beside me, his own eyes wet with tears.
“I didn’t know ghosts could cry.”
He frowns. “These are the manliest of tears. Reserved for things like toe stubbing and accidental snake bites to the buttocks.”
I laugh through the tears and close my eyes, letting myself drift off to the sound of his breathing.
“And for letting go of you,” he adds quietly.
Seventeen
Morning comes and this time, when my alarm goes off, Logan is gone. Something inside me feels like a deep well, hollow and cold. I roll out of bed and shower quickly. Knowing I’m going to be trying on dresses later I opt for a soft white peasant dress and soft suede belt. I’m buckling the strap on my heels when Logan appears in my room.
“Sorry, I meant to be here when you woke up, but I lost track of time a little.”
I shrug and proceed to weave my hair into a loose braid, tying it off with a bit of ribbon. Standing up I go to the jewelry box and pull it open. It’s made of wood and brass and when I tug open the tiny glass doors, Brahms lullaby starts playing. A birthday gift from my father when I was a little girl. Now every time I hear the tune I feel close to him, and I really want to feel close to him today.
“Look what I found,” I say, holding up a long silver chain with a bottle cap dangling from it.
Logan grins, walking over to see it better. “I can’t believe you still have that.”
“We were what, like six?”
He shakes his head. “And I gave it to you in exchange for—“
“A kiss. My first kiss as a matter of fact.”
“And you kept it all this time?”
I shrug. “First kisses are a big deal for a girl.”
I don’t tell him that after he gave it to me, for the next few weeks, I’d convinced myself it meant we were married. I’d even told my dad that I was going to have to move out of the house and move into the tree house with Logan since he was my husband. Dad just laughed and told me that someday, I’d get married for real and when that happened, that he’d have to approve of it because he’d be giving away his only daughter.
I feel my heart stutter at the memory.
“It was a big deal for me too.”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever Logan. You probably don’t even remember—“
He holds out a finger. “You were wearing a yellow sweater. I told you it made you look like a bumble bee. You hit me. And then, I gave you the necklace because you were crying. You sniffled and said, what does it cost? And I said,” he pauses so I finish.
“A kiss from a crying girl.”
“See? I remember.”
I smile sadly. Why can’t life ever turn out the way it’s supposed to?
Putting the necklace over my head I let it fall against my chest. I don’t look back at Logan until I’ve fought back the tears. I’m not going to cry again. Not today. Today, I just have to… survive.
“Look, about Bruno,” Logan starts, clearing his throat. “It’s okay for you to like him. I mean, not that you need permission, but…Bruno’s a good guy. You deserve a good guy.”
I take a deep breath.
“Okay, quit trying to make me cry, you freaking sap. I just did my mascara.”
He looks offended, then realizes that I’m teasing.
“Me? You busted out with the childhood memories. Geeze woman. Pining away much?”
I chuckle. “Well, you know me. I never throw away perfectly good jewelry.”
He lowers his voice seriously. “You look beautiful, by the way. Just thought you should know.”
I pull my shoulder into my chin. “Oh, I know. But thanks just the same. Are we ready to do this?”
He nods and I hear the doorbell ring. I’d almost forgotten I asked Bruno for a ride today since I was going shopping with Cassidy right after school.
“Um, I’m going to go hang out at my house today, okay? I want to see my mom, make sure she’s doing alright.”
I nod. “See you at lunch?”
He smiles and vanishes.
By the time I get to the front door my mom is chatting away with Bruno, who looks completely undaunted by her. Granted she’s only five foot four, a hundred pounds wet, but she can be as intimidating as a grizzly bear.
I kiss her quickly on the cheek, pushing Bruno out the door with a hand to his chest.
“Bye mom. See you later,” I say, ushering him toward the truck.
“What, you don’t want me to talk to your mom?”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t want her to start sending out our wedding invitations just yet. She tends to get a little over excited.”