“I never liked it much anyway,” Cam said flippantly. “I was only there for the nookie, and when you walked away, that dried up.” She slapped a hand on the dashboard. “This is serious, damn it.” Cam shrugged as he sped up. “I am serious. I would have quit that job a long time ago if it hadn’t been for you and Rafe. I’m not like some of these guys. I don’t want to be knee-deep in bodies. It drags on me. I like programming. I liked building the program that found you. I’m going to stay here in Bliss and work my job and come home, and after I fuck you into submission, I’ll work on my facial recognition program.”
“You are not staying with me.”
“So, throw me out,” Cam challenged. “When you can pick me up and toss me out, I’ll sit in your doorway until you let me back in.”
“I won’t,” Rafe vowed. “I’ll slip back in again and again.”
“Damn it, Rafe,” she hissed under her breath. “Be reasonable. Go back to Joe and get your job back. You know he’ll take you back in a heartbeat. Cam might not have loved the Bureau, but you’re a lifer, and you know it. You relish that job. It’s everything you worked for.” He had loved the job, but he loved Laura more. The job he’d spent his whole life preparing for had just threatened to chew up and spit out the only woman he’d ever loved. In the end, there was a choice to be made. He wouldn’t love the Bureau with his whole heart. He wouldn’t cuddle the fucking Bureau at night. The Bureau wouldn’t grow old with him. “I’m not going back, Laura. I don’t know what I’ll do from here, but I can’t go back.”
“That is insane, Rafe,” Laura said.
“Why? Didn’t you walk away from a life that you thought didn’t work for you anymore? That’s what I’m doing. I’m walking away.
The world is a big place. When one thing stops working, you walk out and find something else. As long as I have you, I’ll be fine.” She shook her head. “No. You don’t have me. I won’t do this. I won’t be the reason you lose your job and your family. What would your mother say? Or are you asking me to choose between you and Cam again?”
He knew she was making a certain amount of sense, but his sense had been tossed out a long time ago. There were a hundred things wrong about this relationship, but only one thing mattered. He loved her. “My mother can choose to accept me as I am, or she can stop talking to me. I will still love her. I will still try to take care of her. I can’t force her to respond the way I want. I can only be responsible for my own actions. I can’t fix the outside world, bella. I can only promise to make our little world as perfect as I can.”
“You won’t be happy.” She turned and stared out the window.
“Don’t tell me how I’ll feel,” Rafe shot back. “I know how I have felt for the last five years. Broken and useless.” He’d been missing a piece of his soul since the day she’d walked away. His badge, his job, his family meant nothing if he couldn’t get her back. He loved his mother, but Laura was his soul. If there was a choice to be made, he’d made it the minute he quit the Bureau.
Frustration welled up inside Rafe. Just a few hours ago, he’d been deep inside her. Now he felt her pulling away.
She turned from him, her eyes shifting to the road ahead. “You get over it, you know. That broken, useless feeling won’t last forever.
You find something else to love, and you move on. You make a better life.”
Every word from her mouth made his heart ache. “And you found a better life.”
“I found this place. I love my friends. Do you know how long it took me to let one in? It was years. Nell was such a little flake. She was one of the first people I met here. She made me zucchini bread. I took one look at her and decided that little idiot was safe. She wasn’t smart enough to hurt me.” Rafe could hear the tears in Laura’s voice.
“I love her. God, I love her. I wouldn’t have given her the time of day when I was in DC. She would have been an amusing airhead, but I have learned more about truly loving the people around me from Nell than I could have imagined. She believes in so much more than I can.
And Holly. Holly will do anything for a friend, but I rebuffed her for years because I wasn’t going to let another Jana get her hooks in me. I broke my foot one winter. Holly ran out of her cabin, and she got me to the hospital in Del Norte, and she brought me home and fed me.
She worked my shift for a week so I didn’t lose my job. I hadn’t done anything for her. I had been nothing but cold.”
“She saw the real you,” Cam said quietly.
“I don’t know that I knew the real me until I came here. I don’t know that I would be this me if I went someplace else. Maybe part of figuring out who we are is finding a place to call home. What I’m trying to say is that it was hard, but I got over it. I’m happy here.
You’ll be happy one day, Rafe. One day you’ll wake up, and your kids will jump all over you, and you’ll go to work as the special agent in charge, and your mom will be so proud. You’ll look back, and I’ll just be this memory. You’ll thank me.” His hands were shaking. He had the sudden realization that this wasn’t going to go the way he had planned. She wasn’t going to give in because he kissed her senseless. “I won’t. If you really won’t take me, I won’t thank you, bella. I could handle it if I thought I wasn’t the best man for you. Hell, I’m willing to share you because I know you need Cam, too. If you won’t accept me, my life won’t be filled with kids and this great career. It’ll be filled with regret because I know why you’re really rejecting me. You can’t forgive me. You can’t put what happened behind you.”
Her blonde hair shook, but she didn’t bother to turn around. “This isn’t about what happened to me. This is about you and Cam. Neither one of you can be happy here. It isn’t in you.”
“Really?” Cam asked, his bitterness dripping. “I’m such a city boy. I’ve never lived in the country.”
“You hated it,” Laura pointed out.
“No, I hated the small-minded attitudes that put my mother at the bottom of the social feeding order. I love the country. I love the peace and quiet, and if you think you can force me to leave, you’re wrong.
You might not want me, but by god, you’ll see me. I’m not leaving. If I find this magical, mystical woman who can complete me by spitting out my kids and proving her womb works, then you’ll have to watch.
You’ll have to watch me make a life for myself here and know that it could have been yours. Baby, I can’t tell you how much I wish I could change what happened. If I could give my fucking life to have spared you that, I would. I made a horrible mistake and you paid for it, but I’m here now. I’ve gotten on my knees and begged forgiveness. I can’t do any more than tell you that I love you, and I’ll try my damndest to never fail you again. If you can’t forgive me, then you’ll watch me. You’ll watch me live my life here, without you.” Cam pulled in front of Laura’s small cabin. It was tiny and far from Rafe’s traditional level of comfort, yet he’d been happy here briefly. He’d woken up this morning knowing where he belonged—
beside her. Now she was pulling away, and he had the distinct impression that his caveman act wasn’t going to work this time. He could force her to Vegas, but he couldn’t make her marry him. He couldn’t make her accept him. Fuck, he couldn’t force her to forgive him.
Maybe he didn’t deserve forgiveness.
Laura slammed out of the car the instant it stopped. She walked to her door and disappeared behind it. Rafe felt like someone had shredded his insides. He threw open the car door and got out, utterly unsure of what to do next. He couldn’t leave. He thought briefly about walking in after her, throwing her down, and fucking her until she admitted that she loved them, but that wouldn’t work in the long run.