“Damn straight, sweetie. You’re my crew. I don’t split up my crew.”
The bitter word was out of her mouth before she could stop it.
“Crew.”
“Em, babe, I didn’t mean it like that¯” She pulled free and ran down the corridor away from him, blindly turning and twisting, trying to lose herself in the bowels of the ship.
He couldn’t say it. The other two could, freely and without reservation. Yes, Aaron cared for her, she sensed that. Maybe he did love her. But the three little words¯how clichéd¯she desperately wanted and needed from him, no matter what his actions, were the ones he couldn’t bring himself to say.
She shouldn’t take it personally.
An hour later, Ford found her in the corner of the hydroponic lab, curled in a ball and staring at her tomato plants. He sat next to her and pulled her into his lap, not speaking, letting her sob against his shoulder and cry it out.
“Why can’t he say it?” she whispered in a tortured voice.
He nuzzled the top of her head. “He’s a hard nut, honey. He’s the Cap. He has to be. It’s how he survived, how we’ve all survived.”
“If he’s so tough, why can’t he say it?”
“That’s not my story to tell. We might be friends and lovers and soul mates, all of us, but never forget he’s our captain first and foremost, especially when we’re on this crate. It’s kept all of us alive together a lot of years when other crews with ‘skills’ beyond ours are space debris. He takes care of his crew.”
“He’s not taking care of me.”
Ford gently shifted her in his lap so he could meet her puffy eyes.
“Sweetie,” he said gently, “what’s more important? That he shows you how he loves you without telling you, or that he tells you how he feels without showing you? Personally, I prefer showing to telling.
Are three little words really that important?” She couldn’t answer that.
“I just wish he’d say it.”
“Don’t ever doubt how much he loves you. He’d die for you in a second, for any of us. Crew first, before himself. I’ve been with him a lot of years.”
“Why didn’t you ever become a captain?”
“I didn’t want the responsibility. Caph and I switch off first officer duties between runs. It’s just a title. He’s like me, he’d rather have Aar taking care of the big picture. We trust him. He’s saved our asses more times than we care to count.” Something shifted in Ford’s face, a deep sadness she didn’t want to explore right then. “Times lesser captains would have backed down and been willing to sacrifice something, or someone. Aaron will die before he loses crew.” Ford’s gentle presence always calmed her. He was a multi-faceted man. Brainy, quick-witted, and steady. Fiercely loyal. A different kind of settling strength than Aaron. Just as Caph’s huge presence pushed away her stress.
After another half-hour, he patted her shoulder. “Chow time. Why don’t you come with me? Help me in the galley.” She nodded, rubbing her still-sniffling nose on her arm.
He stood and gently pulled her to her feet, not releasing her hand, knowing she drew comfort from him. He took the long way back to the galley, most likely avoiding Aaron’s brooding presence on the bridge. They were far enough away he wouldn’t come seeking them out.
Caph joined them a few minutes later. By his forced, almost manic attempts at playfulness, she knew he’d heard what happened and was trying to help cheer her up.
It didn’t work.
She slipped out of the galley while they were distracted and returned to their quarters. Not that she could escape them on the ship, and as much as it would almost physically hurt to be away from the men for a night the way she felt about them, she grabbed a couple of things and her pillow and quilt and went to sick bay, closing the door behind her. Hopefully they would take the hint.
Physician, heal thyself, she thought miserably. This was stupid.
She’d better get over this childish need, and fast. Ford was right that Aaron was a damn good captain, and obviously what he’d done for years worked for him and the twins. After a few months in space, she would most likely feel the same way as Ford and be able to let go.
For now, it hurt.
An hour later, the door chime sounded. She was curled on the bunk, the quilt wrapped around her, staring at an aquarium vid screen while trying to zone out. She sensed it was Caph.
“Come.”
The door slid open. He walked over to her, the plate practically dwarfed in his hands. “We didn’t want you to go hungry, sweetie.”
She nodded, sitting up and letting him set the food on the tray, sliding it into place in front of her. He’d also brought her a mug of hot tea, made perfectly.
The goddamn grunts would never have done this for her.
Then again, she never would have fallen in love with the grunts either. Hearts as hard as their bodies, no doubt.
“Thanks, Caph.” She picked at the food more for his sake than hers. She wasn’t hungry but knew if she didn’t eat he’d sic Ford on her, who would most likely worry and call Aaron into the mix.
And Aaron was the reason she was here.
He watched her eat without speaking for several minutes. “You gonna sleep in here tonight?” he softly asked.
She nodded, trying not to cry, afraid it would set him off. She couldn’t pit the twins against Aaron, it wasn’t fair to him. This was her problem and she knew it. She just had to figure out how to deal with it.
He tenderly tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “It’s gonna be lonely without you cuddled up next to me.” She took a long, hitching breath. “I just need to get my head on straight, that’s all. No reason to torture you guys with it.” Emi forced a smile she didn’t feel, hoping it would fool him.
It didn’t.
“Ford and I are gonna hit the town tonight. Why don’t you come with us?” She started to shake her head, and he added, “Aar’s already said he’s staying home, so someone needs to come keep us out of trouble.”
The last thing she wanted to do was go out. She wanted to curl up under her quilt and mope and get it out of her system so she could start fresh tomorrow and face Aaron. But tonight…
Tonight the lesser of two evils was going out with the twins and not spending it dodging her captain. Besides, he did say he wanted her to keep them out of trouble.
“When do we leave?” she asked.
His smile lit his face, lifting her mood a little. “In an hour.” He hesitated. “Aaron’s in the engine room. Why don’t you finish eating and then go get ready?”
“How fancy?”
“Aw, crew outing, babe. We’ll all match.” His green eyes twinkled.
Chapter Eleven
Aaron didn’t put in an appearance while they got ready. Emi donned her casual uniform, matching the twins. All the cars were checked out from the motor pool, so Ford requisitioned one of the pick-up trucks. With all three of them riding in the front seat, Ford drove them five miles into New Phoenix.
She’d spent plenty of time at school in Tempe and Old Phoenix, but had never really explored New Phoenix. They pulled up to a bar with a nearly full parking lot. An old-fashioned blinking neon sign in the window identified the bar as the Dry Port.
“Dry Port?” she asked, an unsettled, nervous feeling overtaking her.
Caph grinned. “Yeah, it’s a little irony. This place has been here for years. It’s a regular watering hole for crews.” Sure enough, when she looked closer she realized several of the vehicles in the lot bore DSMC, MM, and ISNC motor pool license plates on the back.
Ford grabbed her arm. “C’mon, sugar. Another crew experience for you.”
She balked, holding out her palm. He laughed and dropped the keys into her waiting hand. “You drive one of those things before?”