“I’m exhausted and I have to take care of some stuff.” I say.
“Maddy, you need a night away from those boys.” He pleas. “Clear your head. You love the gay bars because no one bothers you there.”
“We have the Bar-B-Que.” I whine. I’m not sure why I don’t want to go. Ian and I have so much fun going out in New York and he is right I always favor the gay bars because no one comes up behind me when I dance trying to hump me.
“After” he begs.
“Um…”
“You should go Maddy. These boys have been running you wild the whole week. Once Friday comes it will be crazy. Go enjoy yourself.” My mom pushes.
“Okay. After the Bar-B-Que. Let’s invite Kenna too.” I say.
“We can invite everyone. Barb, did you want to come?” He asks her.
She looks from Ian to me and shakes her head no but her eyes looks distraught and upset.
“I’m surprised you kept all these pictures.” I change the subject.
“Why?” My mom asks.
“I don’t know. I just figured after you and dad divorced you wouldn’t want to remember them.” I shrug my shoulders.
“Ian, would you excuse us a minute?” My mom asks him. Poor Ian, I have left him alone this whole week. He keeps getting shut out due to the family issues. I owe him tonight.
“Of course Barb.” He winks at me while getting up and going upstairs to Jack’s room.
“Maddy, I know I wasn’t the best mother especially after your dad and I divorced. I see the hatred in your eyes.” She swallows hard hesitantly grabbing my hand with hers. “But I did love your father and our family together. When he asked me for the divorce, I knew it was coming, I knew it was my fault.”
“Dad asked you for one?” I had thought for sure it was the other way around.
“Yes, but he had every reason to. I was gallivanting around behind his back for years. I don’t know if it was because we married so young or I was just being self-centered. I felt like I missed out on something by marrying my high school sweetheart. Then he had to start going out of town and I was responsible for you and Jack all the time, I assumed he was cheating on me so I decided to start living my life.” She squeezes my hand.
“After he asked for the divorce and I knew it wasn’t because of another woman coming between us, I lost it and started going out more and drinking more. Somewhere in all of that I forgot I was a mother and I abandoned you and Jack. Jack was older so he probably embraced the freedom it allowed him to have but you were so young. I’m sorry Maddy.”
I shake my head up and down.
“I wish I could say your dad’s funeral was my low point but as we both know it wasn’t.”
I shake my head in agreement. The fateful night that I assume she is going to bring up and I can’t talk about it. Especially not in this room. It might be redecorated but I can still visualize the night clearly.
“The way I acted, bringing that guy, being drunk when you and Jack needed me there for you. I was so upset when I found out, I stayed drunk the whole week, going out and finding men to replace him. I guess a part of me always thought your dad and I would get back together.” She takes her glass taking a sip and I see her hand is shaking as she picks up the cup.
“You were so right to yell at me. I wish then I would have realized what I had done to you. The regrets I have consume my thoughts every day. I know you can’t forgive me and I understand but I want to tell you something.”
“Ok.” I whisper.
“After that night and I mean the next morning after I knew you were ok at the hospital, I checked into a rehab facility. I have been clean for two years now.”
“That’s good.” Did she think this would make me all better? “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask.
“I wanted to prove it to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry for everything I did. I love you and I hope one day you will forgive me but if you can’t I understand.” She pats her hand on my knee standing up and walking away.
This trip just gets better and better every minute. I am happy for my mom. That she is finally getting her life back but I still resent her for what she did and what she didn’t do for me. It makes me realize it is time, time to go. I have been ignoring the pull since I got here. The problem is I can’t ask Gabe to take me and I don’t want to ask my mom because I don’t want her asking any questions. I decide to go for a run over there. It is only two miles, I am sure my body hasn’t forgotten how to run in the year I have deserted it.
I dig through my drawers in my room, finding my running shorts and shirt. Luckily I have a pair of old running shoes in the closet as well. The shorts and shirt are a little tight considering my body changed over the years but it will do. This way I can escape without anyone knowing where I am going.
The first two blocks are horrible. My breath is so uneven I think I am going to have to stop but something kicked in when I hit the corner. My stride and breath come back to normal. I knew my body would remember. When I get to the cemetery entrance I’m not prepared to see Trent’s car there. I can see him up on the hill kneeling on the ground. I don’t want to interrupt him so I stay down by his car until he is finished. I wonder if he comes here often.
I am mesmerized watching him as he talks to the right of the headstone. He wipes his eyes a few times showing me he is crying. He didn’t forget, this whole time I thought he had. Tears are welling up in my eyes when he turns around stopping suddenly at the top of the hill. He is too far away for me to see but I know the sorrow he feels, I feel it too.
I am playing with my fingers looking at the ground when he walks up to me.
“Hey” his voice shaky.
“Hey” is all I can say back.
“Do you come here a lot?” He asks.
“My first time since that night.” I shamefully admit. “You?”
“Every time I come back to town.”
I look up surprised at his response.
“I know you think I don’t care but I do Maddy.”
“No, that’s not it.” I shake my head back and forth.
“It’s Ok, I have been a selfish prick most of our life.” He puts his hand on my arm. “But this” he motions up the hill. “It’s something I can never forget.”
“I know.” I gulp hard trying to get my tears to subside until he leaves.
“Well, I will leave you alone.” He kisses my cheek and walks over to the driver side. “By the way, nice running clothes. I think I remember tearing those off of you a time or two.” He smirks bringing humor to the uncomfortable situation.
I smile up to him but say nothing more.
I wait until Trent drives away then stand at my last feat. It took too much strength to come here in the first place, now I have to make it up that hill Trent just came down from. I slowly walk up looking at the numerous headstones with names I recognize of schoolmates or neighbors. Everyone in town is or would be buried in the cemetery.
Finally I reach my destination. Jennings reads over the headstone. It is my dad’s family headstone. My grandparents and one uncle are also laid here. I sit down ready to face him. The angel statue next to his name reminds me I should have come sooner.
“I wish you were here. You always gave me the best advice.” I run my hand across his name. “I don’t know what to do about Gabe and Trent let alone mom. What has happened to my life?”
I sit there in silence listening to the birds chirping and leaves swaying in the wind. The cemetery is off the main roads so there is no noise of cars or people. I don’t know what I expected to get from this. I pick at the weeds around the family stone contemplating leaving thinking maybe this was a mistake.
“I miss you…every day.” I softly say. “I know I haven’t been here but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.” I touch the angel caressing the ridges with my thumb.